Dear, Dear, Dear.

Dear Mister-Genius-Who-Created-The-Self-Cleaning-Oven:

Do you think that you could apply your oh-so-amazing abilities to create other self-cleaning Appliances? Namely, a self-cleaning refrigerator?

You know, where it could sense when food is past it’s prime (the premium models could even tell before it grew any green fuzz), empty it, put it into the dishwasher, and oh – take out the trash while you’re at it?

Also – what if it could keep an electronic map of the contents on the fridge – so that you could look at a panel on the door and immediately know that the Sour Cream with the most promising expiration date is the one in the bottom left corner, NOT the one on the top right, which may or may not be just a sour cream container with fuzzy peas in it?

Sincerely,

Someone that is SOO over cleaning out the refrigerator.

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Dear Proctor and Gamble:

I highly recommend that if you are going to sell products specifically for women, that you hire female marketing executives for those sectors of your ginormous organization.

I mean seriously – you people are a multi-billion dollar company – surely someone has the brains enough to realize that?

No, I guess that I don’t know for a FACT that you don’t have female marketing executives…

Except for the fact that NO woman in her right mind would have EVER signed off on THIS marketing campaign:

Word of Advice: Women do NOT want to be told to cheer up when they are in need of your product.

In fact, something about that sentence can take an otherwise happy female and tap into the inner most hormonal depths of her soul and make her want to immediately find the closest man and make him PAY for the sacrifices that us women make just to be women.

Maybe try something more calming like, “Here’s a Box of Chocolates to go along with our product – take a moment, sit down, and know that you are appreciated.”

Or maybe something sympathetic, such as, “I know that you may or may not feel happy right now, and that is completely and totally appropriate. But no matter how you feel, know that WE understand.”

Or, if you don’t like those, then I guarantee you that just being silent and having NO slogan at all would be better that your current one.

Sincerely,

A Normally Happy Woman, (as long as someone's not telling me to have a happy misery.)

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Dear French People:

You have funny words. And even funnier combinations of words.

The End.