The Origins of the WWE.

I’ve never understood wrestling.  Why grown men enjoy watching other grown men sling each other around and place each other into questionably intense positions has always been beyond me.

However, now that I have a son, I think I might understand.

It’s because wrestling reminds them of their mother.

Call it good memories.  Call it the desire to return to their childhood.  Call it Oedipal.   Whatever it is, it’s because male toddlers make it a requirement for their mothers to pin them in multiple and complex wrestling holds every day just to accomplish basic tasks.

Here’s a tiny sampling of my daily wrestling moves, documented in crappy iPhone photos.

9:00 AM:  Boy requires the Elevated Double Legbar Octopus Hold in order to allow his shoes to be placed on his feet.

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Boy does not fight this position – he rather enjoys it.  But try and place shoes without a solid Elevated Double Legbar Octopus Hold and you’ll find out exactly why it’s necessary.

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And this is what will remind him of our times of shoe placement cuddling one day.

Wrestling Shoe Putting 2Wrestling photos source: Wikipedia

1:00 PM: Boy needs large amounts of snot retracted from his nose.  In order to accomplish this task, Boy requires a Double Kneelock Brain Squeeze Deathshooter.

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Perhaps not quite as endearing of a moment when performed by a man wearing nothing but a “Masterpiece” Bikini, but I get the connection.

Wrestling Shoe Putting

7:00 PM: Boy needs teeth brushed.  Boy requires a Full Body Lotus Lock with Double Arm Compression.

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Yes, I do make it a habit to sit on my child.

Does boy complain about such?  No.  As soon as Boy sees the toothbrush, he lays down on the ground with arms to the side, so as to offer himself up to this hold as easily as possible, giggling all the while.

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If he’s so happy about it, surely Boy wouldn’t need such extreme measures, right?

Wrong.  Just try to brush his teeth without a Full Body Lotus Lock with Double Arm Compression and you will find yourself insane.

Because it’s moves like this that make life worth living.

Wrestling Teeth Brushing

Somebody give that man a toothbrush.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. 1
    trinity says:

    Once again you nailed it. When my kids grow up, I will just direct them to your blog as a diary of our lives too (minus the lego nativities and houndstooth).

  2. 2
    Jennifer says:

    That was creative and hilarious! Great job! My boys have outgrown the need for such efforts, but they definitely still enjoy them.

  3. 3
    Kristy says:

    Now that explains everything! I just didn’t realize the connection.

  4. 4
    Shiree says:

    Jackson loves it when I bite his cheeks (their huge and irresistible) and if I ask him for a bite of his cheeks he offers them to me with a huge grin on his face. I wonder if that’s what Mike Tyson drew from when he bit off Holyfield’s ear…

  5. 5
    Eva says:

    HA! you are speaking my language. especially the tooth brushing one. samuel HATES getting his teeth brushed. i don’t know why. i will have to try your move b/c it’s better than what i’ve been trying.

  6. 6
    Kitty Engle says:

    Hilarious. My favorite is the one of you sitting on him.

  7. 7
    Melissa says:

    Well that explains a lot. :-)

  8. 8
    Heather says:

    This is great, and I can absolutely relate….except my two year old wrestling buddy is a girl. For example, during our teeth-brushing endeavors tonight, I wrapped her in a towel to hold her arms in place, pinned her legs down with my knee, and held her head still with my forearm while prying her mouth open with my fingers. She will probably like wrestling one day too, you think? :)

  9. 9
    Jui says:

    Aah finally an explanation!!
    Now I see.

  10. 10
    Melanie Miller says:

    Hahahaha!

    I had to read this to my hubby and we both laughed out loud. It certainly explains a lot.

  11. 11
    Nina says:

    This is hilarious! I still remember an episode when my son was about 2 years old and going through that phase where he doesn’t want ANYBODY he doesn’t know touching him, including his pediatrician. Well, she needed to examine him, and he was putting up a fight, and what do you know—our sweet little pediatrician pinned him down in one swift move, arm over body that pretty much kept the boy in position. I was even more impressed with the doctor after that! :)

  12. 12
    MelissaH says:

    What about the finger nail clipping hold? :-)

    What made me laugh was the realization that I never had to do any “holds” with my daughters. They would sit there patiently as I wiped, tied, brushed, washed, whatever needed to be done. But doing anything with my 26 month old son is exactly like a wrestling match. You nailed it!

    (diaper changes are crazy too! He screams like I’m killing him. “Owwwwww, ow, ow, OOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!” Every. Single. Time. Even in public bathrooms. I’m waiting for child services to be called.)

    • 12.1
      Rachel says:

      Oh YES – the Fingernail Clipping Hold is what I call “Wrestling a Wildebeest.”

      And diaper changes have just become a fight for us – I have no idea why he all of a sudden decided he hates having a clean butt.

  13. 13
    Rachel says:

    Oh my goodness I totally laughed out loud at this. This must be one of those differences between boys and girls since none of my children require a full body lock. So funny!

  14. 14
    Meredith says:

    At a recent one-year checkup, I mentioned to my pediatrician that my child hates lying on his back. She asked, “How do you do diaper changes.” I replied, “I lay him on the floor and throw my leg over his stomach” before realizing that it probably sounded like abuse.

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