I’ve never understood wrestling. Why grown men enjoy watching other grown men sling each other around and place each other into questionably intense positions has always been beyond me.
However, now that I have a son, I think I might understand.
It’s because wrestling reminds them of their mother.
Call it good memories. Call it the desire to return to their childhood. Call it Oedipal. Whatever it is, it’s because male toddlers make it a requirement for their mothers to pin them in multiple and complex wrestling holds every day just to accomplish basic tasks.
Here’s a tiny sampling of my daily wrestling moves, documented in crappy iPhone photos.
9:00 AM: Boy requires the Elevated Double Legbar Octopus Hold in order to allow his shoes to be placed on his feet.
Boy does not fight this position – he rather enjoys it. But try and place shoes without a solid Elevated Double Legbar Octopus Hold and you’ll find out exactly why it’s necessary.
And this is what will remind him of our times of shoe placement cuddling one day.
Wrestling photos source: Wikipedia
1:00 PM: Boy needs large amounts of snot retracted from his nose. In order to accomplish this task, Boy requires a Double Kneelock Brain Squeeze Deathshooter.
Perhaps not quite as endearing of a moment when performed by a man wearing nothing but a “Masterpiece” Bikini, but I get the connection.
7:00 PM: Boy needs teeth brushed. Boy requires a Full Body Lotus Lock with Double Arm Compression.
Yes, I do make it a habit to sit on my child.
Does boy complain about such? No. As soon as Boy sees the toothbrush, he lays down on the ground with arms to the side, so as to offer himself up to this hold as easily as possible, giggling all the while.
If he’s so happy about it, surely Boy wouldn’t need such extreme measures, right?
Wrong. Just try to brush his teeth without a Full Body Lotus Lock with Double Arm Compression and you will find yourself insane.
Because it’s moves like this that make life worth living.
Somebody give that man a toothbrush.