Zulily Lace and a Pretty Face.

Hey – you know what?

It’s almost Christmas.

Or at least according to Zulily.

And you do not want to miss out on your one chance all year long to have “Ho Ho Ho” embroidered on your daughter’s butt.

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Also. I get that Santa is this nebulous somewhere-between-human-and-angelic-hosts kind of guy, but I still don’t want my daughter professing love for him or anyone else on her hind regions.

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And then there’s this piece. There is so much about it that confuses me.

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In case you can’t read that lovely font, it says “Santa’s Lil Diva Loves Couture.”

The only explanation I can come up with is that the back says “But my Mommy will only dress me in this so SEND HELP NOW.”

So I guess I won’t be doing my Christmas shopping at Zulily.

However, this would make an awesome baby shower gift.

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“Perfect to wear in an airport, a carnival, or to Wal-Mart!”

Can you even begin to imagine the flocks of creeptastic strangers that shirt would magnetize?

This one is much more reflective of the expecting mother’s soul.

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Nothing says “We’re your completely normal neighbors” like this lawnsculpting choice:

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Also, little is more comforting than the Travelocity Talking Gnome at the edge of your yard.

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I just hope that he spontaneously starts conversation with passerby.

The Rooster’s severe neck-cramp is the least puzzling thing about this accessory.

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Fanning Roosters aren’t your thing? No worries! There are options!

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When it comes to dinnertime, I never feel hungry unless I can eat off of a shoe.

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…especially if there is proper toe-division – it really gives that authentic toe-jam feel to my guacamole.

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I got a text from my friend Christen one day alerting me to drop my kids right then and hop onto Zulily – she didn’t want me to miss Adult Hooded Footie Pajama Day!

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Because nothing says “My Mom still pours my cereal for me” like a fully-grown man in AHFPs.

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Or “when I signed up to be a male model, this was not what I envisioned.”

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In other news, if Honey Boo Boo were to attend Abby Lee Miller’s dance studio, she would most certainly be wearing these shorts.

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And Zulily is doing a fabulous job of recreating the reputation of the whale tail.

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My favorite Zulily find ever, the Crotch-Munching Ladybug, is back and cheekier than ever,

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And she brought a very hungry friend.

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I’m not sure which is worse – those teeth or their insistence of bringing happiness.

The only thing I can assume is that some of these clothes are imported from Venus and they have a very different child-fashion-scene there, where protruding elephant trunks are highly regarded.

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“Helps soften the impact when running into walls!”

And where it’s normal to get your toddler to run on a treadmill, or hop, if they follow the footprints.

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(Which includes a calorie counter. Because all toddlers should be tracking.)

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Recently, we’ve talked about monogramming. Many times, we’ve talked about smock. So it makes sense that Zulily would pick this very week to combine the two in a glorious upheaval of humanity.

I am positive that the panel of smock on this piece was an afterthought to increase the selling value of the item in question.

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But on this one, the smock left no room, so it required a side-monogram. Just in case you forget who that right thigh belongs to.

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If you’re looking to get the least bang for your buck on complete and utter un-resaleability of your kid’s items, then by all means – go with a personalized kitchenette.

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But of course you’ll need one for each individual kid – after all, only one name fits.

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And for the little men monogrammees out there, you’ve always got the option of completely illegible fake ties.

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(For the record, I actually am ordering a monogrammed item this week. This cape with an N will be Noah’s.)

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But in case you prefer lace over smock and monogram, I found you this.

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And this, which includes $43.01 of free lace!

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So go dress those babies. And dress them well.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. 1
    Jennifer says:

    I feel like that “rub my tummy for good luck” shirt shouldn’t be white.

    (someone gave me a fan that is a pig a few years ago that I’m pretty sure is friends with those)

  2. 2
    Stephy_B says:

    I always love the Zulily posts. Those crotch eating pants… I just don’t even have words! What creature exactly is that buck-toothed thing? Please tell me it isn’t a beaver…

  3. 3
    Stacey says:

    LOL! Zulily cracks me up!
    The kid treadmill I have seen on some other site before and my 8 year old actually wanted it and was begging me for it, like she would use it!

    • 3.1
      Rachel says:

      Yeah, like the exercise bike that was in all the Toys R Us’s(?) a few years ago. They looked great there, but got dusty really quick when moved to a home.

  4. 4
    Stephanie says:

    I totally don’t get the Red Branch Light. In what sort of ornamentation scenario would you want it to look like your lawn is on fire?

  5. 5

    Two words for the critter shorts: Butt Munch.

  6. 6
    Mandy Fish says:

    You need to start a “WTF Zulily” blog. STAT.

  7. 7
    Nancy says:

    The red branch clearly says “Moses lives here.” That whale tail is obviously Thanksgiving wear…looks like a turkey leg with a bite taken out of it. All those other things…ewww!

  8. 8
    Dee Clark says:

    I have at least 12-14 months before we start trying for a family, but I SO want that black shirt about not touching my pregnant stomach. Maybe it can come with battery operated lights to make it more visible. The butt muncher pants really worry me. I like the cape though.

    • 8.1
      Rachel says:

      Thankfully, it seems that people have started learning that pregnant women don’t want to be touched. But there’s always that one…

  9. 9
    Heather says:

    Agree with previous commenter…please tell me that critter isn’t a beaver. I love your Zulily posts!

  10. 10
    Amy says:

    I have never understood the lace tube top/hot pants combo. Plus, who in their right mind would pay $36.99 for that, much less $80! It’s hard to imagine that people buy this stuff, but apparently they do…otherwise Zulily would be out of business. And I have seen the occasional sad sight of the lacy hot pants clad toddler in public. Poor kids.

    • 10.1
      Rachel says:

      In public?? I thought it was only a strange and bizarre photo shoot oddity, like 20 people wearing matching white linen on the beach.

  11. 11
    Giann says:

    The crotch eating lady bug and beaver….what?! Like how awkward do you want to make your kid’s life? Let middle school take care of that.

    Also, I thought that fish tail was a strawberry…. Clearly, I need an updated prescription for my glasses.

  12. 12
    Lindsey Murphy says:

    I love your Zulily posts! The Butt Munch pants! Oh my!!

  13. 13
    Laurl says:

    As if the concepts were not strange enough. The description of the treadmill say it is “fun” and “exciting”… these copywriters must use treadmills as often as the buyers use common sense at work.

  14. 14

    I could see the treadmill being popular here, but perhaps not quite being used as intended. My daughter may have seen some YouTube videos with folks “dancing” on them. Mind you, my husband and I have joked for years about a) harnessing kid power and b) hooking up various appliances to a treadmill…

    The beaver has the wrong colour teeth! (Hello random fact #25788 that I learned homeschooling my kid last year!) Also, clearly needs a tail.

    What does the gnome say? Inquiring minds need to know…

  15. 15
    Abigail says:

    I almost bought one of those rooster fans at my local Ollies because it was too funny to pass up! I have a cousin with a crazy sense of humour and I knew she’d appreciate it :)

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