Bad Answers to Good Questions: Christmas Edition.

Sometimes my kid asks me a question for which I have no answer. I vaguely speak a bunch of hogwash and then change the subject, hoping she’ll move on.

But my mind cannot. It is a continuity issue that must be addressed. And so it spins in the background, using up my RAM memory and slowing down all other processes until it comes up with an answer. And it’s usually a really, really bad one. One that I could never actually give to my kid.

Last week’s question really gave credence to not doing the whole Santa thing.

“Mommy. If Santa visits every kid in the world, then why do we need to give Angel Tree Christmas presents to kids who have less than us?”

I had been expecting this question weeks ago when we were shopping for our Angel Tree, but no. She saved it for Christmas Eve.

Thanks, kid.

I said something about how Santa can’t give them everything they need and Jesus asks us to help others, then changed the subject frantically. And then my mind worked on this explanation for the rest of the day.


Well, kid. Nothing in this life is free – that’s something you need to go ahead and learn now. It’s actually life’s not fair’s broke mooch of a cousin, and in this case, they go together.

in the 1940’s, when the world was an innocent place and Christmas movies were being made like “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “Miracle on 34th Street”, Santa really was a great guy. He found joy in making the world a cheerier place and truly adored giving presents to the children.

Good Santa

But then he let his fame get to his head. Just like it happens to the best of Disney Spawn like Miley Cyrus, it happens to Christmas VIPs.

Santa got greedy, egotistical, and really an all-around jerk. He now parties with Jay-Z and smokes crack with the Mayor of Toronto. I’ve even heard he’s dated a Lesser Kardashian.

(Oh yeah. Did I mention that Mrs. Claus left him in the mid-90s? She used to preview all the cassette tapes that boys and girls would ask for, and after listening to a few too many accompanied with a bit of Elf Leaf, decided that she wanted to follow Phish around the country.)

Anyway. Santa had to support his burgeoning party lifestyle somehow. And that’s when he decided to start charging the Santa Tax.

Bad Santa

That’s right – I see your eyes getting wide. We PAY Santa to come here every year.

The amount of presents you get under the tree is directly correlated to how much Santa Tax we paid the prior year. So those braggy parents you saw on my Facebook feed whose kids got a Treehouse-playset, an inflatable bouncy house, and matching Range Rover Power Wheels? They were bragging because they paid a metric sleighload of Santa Tax so that he would spoil their kids like that.

But then, kids whose parents don’t have any money – well, they totally get the shaft.

I know.

You thought that Santa was all warm and loving and benevolent – but he’s totally not. He will put an entire family on the naughty list faster than a poorly worded tweet can end your career.

So those kids – it’s our job to love on them. We buy them presents so that they can get something. And usually, their parents tell them that our presents are from Santa so that the kids don’t grow up hating the old man.

(Even though he kinda deserves it.)

But really – it’s just the way of the world, honey. You can’t expect a man to have a monopoly on Christmas for hundreds of years and not go bad. We’re really actually lucky it’s not worse – I wouldn’t be surprised if the Elves started using everyone’s stockings for their drug smuggling side-gig. And we will rue the day when a particularly naughty kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed.

But don’t repeat any of this – because Santa’s got his spies out everywhere – I’m sure you’ve seen them when you’ve gone to your friend’s houses. They go by the name “Elf on a Shelf” but they’re really miniature Santa Tax collectors. If they hear you talking about Santa’s operation he will DEFINITELY not bring you anything.

And I hear these days he doesn’t just put coal in stockings – he douses that coal in lighter fluid and sets it on fire.

And that’s one of the many reasons why we focus on Jesus’ birth instead of Santa at Christmas.

Merry Christmas, kids. Sleep tight!

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. 1
    Stephanie says:

    The thought of Mrs. Claus in a tie-dye dress, high on Elf Leaf and grooving out with Phish, made me laugh out loud. And can we just go ahead and declare all the Kardashians to be “lesser?” I really can’t stand any of them.

  2. 2
    Lindsay D says:

    I have a hard time lying to my kid about Santa. He’s five and asks lots of questions also. My parents played Santa. I had a wonderful childhood. Nothing in excess, we were not rich. But just enough to make us feel special and believe in Santa. I was not messed up in the head or anything from it. It was fun and I remember it all. I grew up and love looking back on those memories. But Christmas was rough for me this year, I’m not going to lie. I struggle with Santa, and what he’s come to be in this Society…and to my kids. They have too much stuff from Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and Santa. I am determined to put the focus on Jesus. I want my kids to believe in Santa, and make wonderful childhood memories. But more important than that, I do want my kids to fully understand that Christmas is NOT “me, me, me, give me more stuff”.

  3. 3
    Amanda Sheren says:

    I wasn’t pleased with the idea of giving Santa all of the credit either. I thought he was amazing as a kid, but now that I’m on the other end of that equation, it kind of sucks big to give him credit for our hard earned money spent on toys and such. However, I do remember the wonder and amazement as a child and want to give that to my kid/s as well SOOOO, stuck between a rock and a hard place. :/

  4. 4
    Carl Carter says:

    So in the answer you actually gave, Jesus is now Santa’s relief pitcher, only he makes us come in and throw the ball?

  5. 5
    AmyDanel says:

    This is hilarious!! I almost can’t wait for my kids to be old enough to read this.

  6. 6
    Janet Carr says:

    I’d rather not lie to the little ones at all. They might later think I lied about Jesus, too. Like Amanda, I don’t want him getting credit for my hard work and money spent. Why not make the truth magical? so much more fun!

  7. 7
    Briana Woods says:

    Exactly the reason we decided NOT to do Santa with our children. So since birth, my 11 and 9yr olds have received gifts from Mom and Dad and the emphasis of Christmas has not been pouring over catalogs and websites and writing letters to Santa. They were given strict instructions that many children believe in Santa and I better not find out they spilled the beans on him!

  8. 8
    Martha says:

    “Miniature Santa tax collectors”. Made me laugh hysterically!

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