Mommy Jeopardy!

Mommy Jeopardy

“Welcome to this very special episode of Mommy Jeopardy! Our contestants, all too sleepy to actually introduce themselves, will choose from six categories today, all related to their occupation of Motherhood. Let’s get started.”

“I’ll take ‘Kids are for the Strong of Stomach’ for $200, Alex.”

“The answer is…”

Mommy Jeopardy

“What are toddler boy feet after marinating in shoes for two-plus hours, Alex?”

”That is correct.”

“Let’s go with ‘Kids are for the Strong of Stomach’ for $400.”

“The answer is…”

Mommy Jeopardy 2

“What is the car seat?”

“No, but a good guess.”

“What is the bathtub, Alex.”

“Yes.”

“Let’s go ahead to ‘Kids are for the Strong of Stomach’ for $600.”

“The answer is…”

Mommy Jeopardy 3

“What is chunky vomit?”

“Of course.”

“’Kids are for the Strong of Stomach’ for $800.”

Mommy Jeopardy 4

“What is removing a splinter?”

“That is incorrect. Anyone else?”

“Yes. What is removing a deep, long, slippery booger from a tiny toddler nostril?”

“Very good.”

“I’m going to try ‘Kids and Logic Don’t Mix’ for $200, Alex.”

Mommy Jeopardy 5

“What is whining, Alex.”

“Exactly.”

“‘Kids and Logic Don’t Mix’ for $400.”

“The answer is…”

Mommy Jeopardy 6

“What is the sibling?”

“Exactly.”

“‘Kids and Logic Don’t Mix’ for $600.”

Mommy Jeopardy 8

“What is that they can actually go to the bathroom without informing me first?”

“No. Anyone else?”

“What is the fact that I cannot pick up whatever crap they dropped in the floorboard while I’m driving down the interstate?”

“That is correct.”

“‘Before and After’ for $200.”

Mommy Jeopardy 7

“What is a car trip?”

“Yes, but no.”

“What is paying bills?”

“Yes, but also no.”

“What is cleaning the house?”

“That is the question we were looking for.”

“I’ll take ‘Before and After’ for $400.”

Mommy Jeopardy 9

“What is Play-Doh?”

“Obviously.”

“I’d like ‘Cold Hard Truth’ for $200.”

“The answer is…”

Mommy Jeopardy 11

“What are from old pajamas to new pajamas?”

“Correct.”

“Let’s try ‘Cold Hard Truth’ for $400.”

Mommy Jeopardy 10

“What is getting into the shower?”

“Worse.”

“What is while I’m flossing?”

“That is correct.”

“Can I have ‘Cold Hard Truth’ for $600?”

Mommy Jeopardy 14

“What are my infant’s brand new teeth?”

“No. Anyone else?”

“Yes. What are my toddler’s needle-sharp elbows? With which he uses to propel himself out of any position?”

“That is correct.”

Let’s try ‘Cold Hard Truth’ for $800.”

Video Daily Double

“That’s today’s Video Daily Double!”

“Here is the answer…”

“What is opening the refrigerator?”

“That is not the question we’re looking for.”

“What is going up and down stairs?”

“No. Anyone else?”

“What is potty-training?”

That is correct!”

“Can I have ‘The Parenthood Bible’ for $200?”

Mommy Jeopardy 12

“What are boogers?”

“No. Those are part of The Curse of Parenthood.”

“Oh. What are stickers?”

“Yes, that is correct.”

“’The Parenthood Bible’ for $400.”

Mommy Jeopardy 13

“What is hiding in the bathroom to eat chocolate right after forcing the children to eat broccoli?”

“Of course. And we’re out of time. That concludes today’s episode of Mommy Jeopardy! Congratulations on your winnings, and may God have mercy on your souls.”

An Important Opinion Piece on Emoji.

Emoji have always been a peculiar thing. A thing that I use every day, but that also creates many problems in my mind. A year or so ago, I began documenting these issues in a note on my iPhone, hoping that one day, Siri would read my note and offer an answer for my many perplexing curiosities.

She has not done so yet. But here are my notes thus far, unedited:

 

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Thankfully, last week’s iPhone update was all about Emoji. As it should be – Emoji stand alone as the most important feature a phone can have. But, they didn’t address any of my issues. Although they added a few new Emoji here and there (no bacon or cheese), the main purpose of the update was to fix what had been a glaring lack of diversity in our nation’s ability to emote.

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And rightfully so. Sasheer Zamata explained the now former issue perfectly a few months ago on SNL:

 

Besides, that Salsa dancer was WAY too white before the update.

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However, Apple still has work to do if we want to live in a perfect Emojidiverse Universe.

Cats everywhere are horrified at their lack of representation. Gray cats, Tabby cats, Ginger cats, and black cats are all in an uproar – or at least a quiet meow – over the fact that their differences didn’t get addressed.

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And then there’s lipstick. Who says lipstick kisses can only be in hot pink? Coral lipstick has feelings, too, you know!

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And don’t even get me started on the Cactus body-shaming happening in the Emoji world. I have been out west. I have seen many cacti. Did you know that I’ve never seen a cactus with a perfect body? No. Not a one of them look like the cacti we all grew up seeing. Or the cactus personified by Apple.

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Some cacti only have one limb. None line up so perfectly diagonal. Some have stubby little half arms. These precious cacti don’t deserve this level of photoshopped perfection constantly shoved down their throat!

Also, spoons still feel snubbed.

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And I have an Emoji option for the pager I had fifteen years ago but not for the FitBit I wear every day? It’s time for a wearable device Emoji overhaul, Apple.

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And thank you for representing women’s swimwear, but some of us have had babies.

FREE THE ONE-PIECES.

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But by far the most indignant Emoji over the lack of diversity offered to them is the Poop Emoji.

Poop Emoji

So I took the liberty of creating some desperately needed options.

After all, Poop is not always brown. Sometimes, it’s scary-green.

Green Poop Emoji

And sometimes, it includes vegetables.

Corn Poop Emoji

Then other times, it’s not at all well-formed.

Brown Not Well Formed Poop

And who can forget those newborn diapers filled with Meconium? NEW PARENTS NEED AN EMOJI FOR THAT EXPERIENCE.

Meconium Emoji

And then there’s the issue of lack of fecal emotion.

Here’s a newsflash: Poop is not always happy.

Sad Poop

Poop has feelings too!

Crying Poop

Sometimes Poop has a downright bad day!!

Weeping Poop

And yes. Sometimes, poop even gets angry.

Angry Poop

So until we get our proper range of crap, we cannot rest.

Poop Emoji Choices

 

And we cannot quit fighting.

Poop Emotions

For the sake of the poop.

Crochet Shorts: The Review.

There has never been any news article released that both my readers and friends felt such unanimous urgency to send to me than Crochet Shorts for Men made out of recycled vintage afghans. The tweets, Facebook messages, emails, texts, and IRL “You have GOT to SEE THIS!” lasted for well over a month.

Perhaps it was because of my post about Doilies not being Shorts, and people needed to know – were blankets as shorts a better choice?

I came very close to ordering a pair – just for you guys. After all, if you all love me enough to bombard me with this information so thoroughly, I owed it to you.

But, thankfully for my budget, I have a family member that is just weird enough to buy them for himself.

Crochet Shorts 3

No, Not Chris.

Uncle Leo.

If you’ve been around for long enough, you should also remember that Leo is the self-taught toenail artist who makes fantastically intricate three-dimensional artscapes out of his carefully saved clippings for his cherished wife.

(If you don’t know, you need to click through and then come back.)

But he is also well-known in his hometown for his eclectic fashion statements, and can often be easily picked out of a crowd at the Flora-Bama (I’ve actually had one blog reader do just that – and even introduce herself to him.)

Leo Outfits

So wearing Crochet Shorts with a tuxedo suit to a Mardi Gras Ball was perhaps the most appropriate use that this New American Fashion Staple had ever experienced.Leo Crochet Shorts 2

And, after the ball, because he loves me, he shipped the shorts to me.

To share with you.

The pattern is quite generous in its hole size, so before I could put them on, in the name of decency, I had to start with some “Undershorts”.

So the process of modeling Crochet started here:

Starter Shorts

(I’ll have you know that I painted my toenails for the first time post-Winter just for this photo shoot. You’re welcome.)

Then it was time for the shorts.

Now granted, they were made for Leo. And Leo and I are not identical in size.

Which is when the first feature of the Crochet Short, the drawstring, comes in very handy.

Crochet Shorts

But let’s talk about that drawstring.

Its sharp edges tend to cut straight through layers of epidermis, all while creating a serious crochet bunching issue, especially when cinched, adding to one’s waist a small intertube made of yarn. The effect is…unsettling.

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My thoughtful photographer and dearest husband went behind my back and captured an image that shows how very deeply that waistband cut, all while adding extreme inches as it did so.

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But OH.

The Butt.

If ever anyone wanted a Kardashian-Sized Kaboose, Crochet Shorts will provide. They are the Fairy Godmother, the Genie in a Bottle, the Avada Kedavra of the small backside.

Crochet Butt

I MEAN. I know that running has grown my butt. But it’s not that size.

To convince myself of that fact after I perused, mouth agape, the photos of my rear view, I had to go put on a pair of blue jeans (after all, that’s the way my butt is the most comfortable being photographed) and drag my cameraman back out to the porch, despite the fact that it was after dark.

Crochet Butt Comparison

How do those shorts make my whole top half look two sizes bigger, too? They are magical in all the wrong ways. And there is something so intestinally inappropriate about the downward design of that chevron.

Oh – you want to see the front Chevron? Even worse.

Crochet Crotch

Overall, they just didn’t seem like they were meant for me.

Crochet Jean Comparison

Or, perhaps, I was not meant for them.

They deserved better.

So I tried them on a different model.

Noah in Crochet Shorts

Yes – it was clear.

Who Wore It Better

Crochet Shorts are meant for the naturally cute – like Noah and his Great Uncle Leo.