The Authoritative Truth Behind the Poo Emoji.

Sad Poo Emoji Collection

Emoji play a crucial role in my life. I have made this clear time and time again. I use them, I am opinionated about how and when they should be used, and I look forward to each and every addition to the Emoji Dictionary.

For instance, this week’s updates, as best as I can tell, include these characters. I’m still working my way through understanding all of their deeper meanings, but yes, that is a middle finger. And there does seem to be a bong. Yet we still don’t have bacon or cheese. The pain of this lacking is indescribable.

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So naturally, when there are new emoji rumors and supposed statements of fact, I typically have multiple people make sure that I know about them.

Which is what happened this week, with the below viral claim. It has been making the rounds on Facebook, and much like many things that get shared repeatedly on Facebook, it is a complete fallacy.

Poo Emoji

I instinctually knew it was wrong – that is a PILE OF CRAP, I don’t care how much it looks like soft-serve ice cream and how little it looks like the contents of a toilet. I know a Poo emoji when I see one. And also, many months ago I read a long article on The History of The Poo Emoji (yes it was a fine use of my time), so I know why we have poo and how we got poo and what standards Apple upheld when it designed the iconic poo we have come to know and love.

(Although I still think we need more poo options. And I will hold to that belief until Apple asks to use my designs.)

Sad Poo Emoji

But. Although I personally denied the ice cream myth everywhere I saw it on Facebook, I don’t want you to have to take my word for it. Because that’s the problem with the internet today – people believe too many people about all the things – which is how we get these outrageous and debilitating lies in the first place.

(Chocolate ice cream. As if.)

So I consulted with a higher power for the truth behind the most beloved of emoji.

Siri her/himself.

You’re welcome, internet. Now it is your job to share this post or just the video with all of the deluded people in your life. Because our society cannot bear up under lies like this.


* Yes, I have a male Siri. He’s the Australian option. I like him. I pretend he looks like Curtis Stone, because that’s what all Australian men look like. He’s great until I ask him to text something and he spells it agonisingly antagonising while belabouring his catalogue of extra letters in his dialogue .

** You too can change your Siri by going to options –> general –> Siri –> Siri Voice.

*** Yes, I said “icing” instead of “ice cream” in the video. I was also slurring my words in exhaustion. But those are mere bumps in the road of making sure that you have correct information from reliable sources on vital issues.

The 2015 Trendiness Index.


Grab a calculator (okay let’s be real – pull up the calculator on your iPhone.) Be prepared to add up your trendiness.

+100 if you CrossFit. It’s more than an exercise group – it’s a religion.
+10 if you’re also Paleo.
+20 if you actually IronTribe – because everyone knows they’re the only one that interpret the holy scriptures of WOD correctly.
+25 if you’ve recruited your spouse to CrossFit.
+200 if you have your children or your dog doing CrossFit.


+65 if you self-identify as a hipster.
+10 if you live in a coffee shop. Like, literally live there and they either haven’t noticed or don’t care because you buy enough dirty chai to pay for rent.
+15 if you wear glasses that once belonged to Woody Allen.
+20 if you wear flannel that once belonged to Tim Allen.
+25 if you have a naturally unpleasant odor that you don’t even have to work for.
+30 if you sleep on a pillow you bought at the Thrift Store – pillowcase and all.


+60 if you use Essential Oils to heal your family of all their ails.
+10 if you’re an Oil Sword Drill master and can correctly name the oil treatment for any ailment in less than 5 seconds.
+20 if you can work a mention or hashtag about oils into any Instagram or Facebook caption.
+250 if your oil MLM of choice had to create a new echelon of achievement to describe you. (“I’m so thrilled to announce that I am now a Double Black Diamond Platinum Tiara Bonanza Lamborghini Director! Thank you Jesus for my oils!”)


+55 if you’re a downtown dweller. The suburbs are out and urbanity is in, people.
+20 if you live in a historical loft.
+25 if your historical loft boasts of original asbestos.
+30 if your historical loft contains vintage dead bodies of former squatters.
+100 if you can convincingly act like you’ve never heard of it when a large suburb of your city is mentioned.


+50 if you’re adopting or have adopted.
+10 if you’re adopting or have adopted internationally.
+50 if this is your second adoption.
+75 if you’ve adopted from multiple countries.
+1,000 if you’re adopting while pregnant with naturally-conceived triplets.


+50 if you derive the majority of your caffeine intake from iced coffee.
+10 if you Instagram a picture of your coffee order every time – even if it’s the same. Every time.
+15 if your Instagram largely consists of coffee memes.
+20 if you celebrate “Fall Cups Day” and “Winter Cups Day.”
+50 if you have considered getting a separate cell phone for your Starbucks account so you don’t have to hand the drive-thru barista your good phone to scan.


+45 if you believe live tweeting is your civic duty.
+5 if you live tweet award shows and/or pageants.
+15 if you live tweet sporting events and/or political debates.
+25 if you live tweet funerals and/or arguments with your spouse.


+40 if you have an iPhone.
+10 if you have an iPad.
+15 if you have a MacBook Pro.
+25 if you beg your friends to get an iPhone so their texts won’t be green.
+40 if you have a nickname for non-iPhone friends who ruin texting groups. (i.e. “Kayla is so The Green Ruiner of my friends group.”)
+1,500 if you have a MacBook Pro but take an old PC to Starbucks just to be different.


+40 if you have religiously strong ethical principals about local economy.
+10 if you eat/buy local.
+20 if you only eat at restaurants within walking distance of your home.
+650 if you subsist only on micro-greens (weeds) grown in your front yard and insects harvested from inside your home.


+40 if you’re a homeschooler.
+35 if you attend Classical Conversations. Because we all know it’s The Homeschool Cult.
+10 if you homeschooled before it was cool.
+20 if you’re a second-generation homeschooler.
+15 if you started your own co-op like a bomb.
+140 if your high schooler is earning dual credits for high school and college.
+1,000 if your junior higher is earning dual credits for high school and college.


+35 if you’re a Trader Joe’s superfan.
+10 if your Instagrams of your Trader Joe’s purchases actually show at least one item that doesn’t have “Pumpkin” in the title.
+30 if you have driven 2+ states to get to a Trader Joe’s.
+20 if you have considered working at Trader Joe’s for better access to high demand inventory.


+30 if you have or have had a Tinder account.
+20 if you met your spouse on Tinder.
+200 if you met your ex-spouse on Tinder.


+30 if you’re a runner.
+10 if you’re a trail runner.
+15 if you’re an ultra runner.
+25 if you’re an ultra trail runner.
+30 if you’re a barefoot runner.
+35 if you’re a barefoot ultra trail runner.
+200 if you’re female and you can run in those tiny tight short thingies and actually look good doing it.


+25 if you have special dietary needs.
+10 if you’re gluten free.
+15 if you’re dairy free.
+20 if you’re vegan.
+25 if you eat meats, milk and cheese but not eggs because when you sit and think about what eggs are it makes you gag a little.
+250 if you subsist entirely on a juice cleanse.


+15 if you consider yourself a Photographer.
+10 if you use actual film.
+15 if you use a polaroid.
+20 if you don’t believe in Instagram.
+10 if you frequently post photos of the sunset.
+20 if you tag meteorologist celebrities in your photos of the sunset.


+10 if you eat out of a food truck at least once a week.
+30 if you buy a daily artisan popsicle from a cart.
+50 if you love food truck culture so much that you’ve considered starting one.
+500 if you sell fake marijuana popsicles in New York City while sporting Alabama license plates.


+5 if you’re a music aficionado.
+10 if you only listen to Spotify.
+15 if you reach your max cell phone data by the 5th of the month solely due Spotify.
+35 if you send small checks to your favorite artists each month out of guilt over their miniscule streaming royalties.
+300 if you installed a record player in your Prius.


Miscellaneous Additions:
+10 if you’re a YouTube celebrity (+20 if no one in your real life knows it.)
+15 if your favorite season is fall.
+20 if you’re not on Facebook on principle.
+30 if you’re still personally researching Adnan Syed’s innocence.
+40 if you’ve posted a photo of yourself riding a hybrid rental bicycle.


Miscellaneous Deductions
-10 if you eat at Ruby Tuesday or Applebee’s.
-20 if you’ve ever left Facebook on principle, only to return a week later, head hanging in shame.
-15 if you regularly Instagram your food. That’s so 2013.
-10 if you take selfies with duck lips. That’s so 2012.
-10 if you still drink Pumpkin Spiced anything. That’s so 2011.
-20 if you’re a blogger. That’s so 2010.


Additions from ideas from Readers:
+30 if you had a baby via natural labor.
+10 if you had that baby at home.
+20 if you had that baby in a kiddie pool.
+300 if you had a non-medicated emergency c-section at home in that kiddie pool.

+20 if you adopt a dog.
+10 if the dog is a rescue.
+10 if the rescue dog is a mutt.
+20 if you have sad pre-resue pictures of your dog.
+25 if you hashtag that the dog is a rescue on every picture.
+30 if you use the term “furbaby.”
+20 if your dog has their own hashtag.

+30 if you have attempted a Whole30 diet.
+50 if you actually finished it, with 100% integrity.
+10 if your stomach was never the same again. In very unpleasant ways.


Understanding Your Score:

0 – 100: You’re so untrendy that you’re actually the trendiest. You’re most likely a hipster who is totally into things that aren’t at all cool now but will be what everyone is talking about next week.

105 – 200: You’re actually just untrendy. You have a flip phone and may not have even heard of social media yet. You’re that mom that says to her teenage daughter, “I just discovered the coolest new flavor – have you ever tried anything that was Pumpkin Spice??”

205 – 300: You’re mildly trendy. You are that person that starts doing things a year or two after everyone else, but you always get around to it. You’re still enjoying Facebook and see no need in checking out Snapchat, and your iPhone 4S is still working just fine, thankyouverymuch.

305 – 400: You’re trendy, but you keep your own personal style. You like Starbucks, but you don’t feel the need to talk about it. You listen to Taylor Swift, but you resent her for it.

405 – 500: You are seriously trendy. You shop at Anthropologie, never leave home without smelling like an oil, and ‘gram your life away.

505 – 600: You trend like Miley twerks. Frantically and a bit awkward to watch, but surprisingly well-done.

605+: You are so trendy that it’s trendy to be you. In fact, you may not be human – you may be a walking trend. Get tested immediately.

Report your score below for crucial research purposes.

The Convenient Truth.

I have a major problem with all hotels.

They think we’re stupid.

Like, super stupid.

Like, don’t-understand-that-when-a-Mom-says you need to take a nap because you’re sleepy actually-means I need you to take a nap because I’m temporarily tired of you stupid.

My main beef with hotels is this ever-present piece of literature – a variation on which every hotel now gallantly leaves behind for its guests.


This one is especially good because it has the two takeaway phrases in all caps. The rest of it really drives home the point but they wanted to make sure that just in case you skimmed it, you received the guilt trip they’re trying to carve into your soul.


But no. See, we’re NOT stupid, hotels. You do not have top level executives that have bleeding hearts for the worthy cause of the conservation of the planet. Your top level executives are only interested in a different kind of green. And we all know it.

You want to buy less laundry detergent. And hire less launderers (is that a job?). And wear out less towels and sheets. This is what you are interested in.

But environmentalism is such a convenient excuse for you. Just like the pleather industry was saved by the growing trendiness of veganism and the resulting term “vegan leather”, your own industry was prevented from becoming washed up by blaming it on the planet.

Don’t think we can’t see that. Just don’t.

(But as a side note, all of the airline’s PR companies should totally copy and paste. “Sorry, we cannot serve meals on this flight because RAIN FORESTS. You must pay for your checked baggage because POLAR BEARS.”)

That particular hangtag was a the hotel we lived in while our house dehumidified. Since we stayed there for five days, it gave the children a chance to explore all the facets of our room, including the above hang tag. With regards to it, I got to overhear a precious moment between my children.

Noah: “Ali, what does this sign say?”

Ali proceeded to read him the entire hang tag, then offered the commentary: “See, it’s our responsibility to save the earth and not get our towels dirty.”

So maybe the hotel is just trying to guilt four and eight-year-olds, which is working. But, as their mother, I do not take lightly my responsibility for their full education in cynicism, so I quickly stepped in and explained the hotel’s actual angle of profitability and staff reductions.

“You love the maids you’ve gotten to know, right? You don’t want them to lose their jobs because YOU decided to reuse a damp towel, DO YOU??”

(But we did reuse our towels, because we’re good earth citizens. And Ali wouldn’t let me place my hatred of hotel propaganda over the saving of the planet. Ugh, firstborns.)

Signage in hotels is often special, though, and that hotel also had a couple of other gems. Such as the no diving sign, warning of the grave consequences of sprouting bright red Guy Fieri hair if attempted.


And my favorite, the pool sign that blatantly discriminated against my friends with 5+ children. Or told them that they have made unsafe and insecure choices in life. Or both.


(I checked with said friends, and some of them agreed. It is neither safe nor secure to have more than four children.)

But this past weekend, we stayed in an especially fantastic hotel with regards to signage.

It was a Wingate by Wyndham, which isn’t a brand I’m terribly familiar with. But I was irritated right off by their inconsistent use of the letters Y and I. Couldn’t it be Wyngate by Wyndham? Or Wingate by Windham? They’re just asking for us to be confused.

The first sign I saw was the list, in descending order, of all Wyndham-brand hotels. I find these types of lists both informative and embarrassing – informative because you can quickly find where you fall on the food chain of their brand, and embarrassing for the chain because you find out just how low they’re willing to claim as their own.


That’s right, Wyndham Resorts. You’re just fifteen steps above a Knights Inn. Which is basically the same staircase. Which means you just paid $500 for a stay at the Knights Inn.

(Also who would have thought that a Super 8 could be four steps above anything? And the HoJo is three steps from the bottom? Remind me to never EVER get within 800 feet of a Knights Inn.)

We arrived in our room to find out that Wingate is excited-like-it’s-2008 about having wi-fi,


And that they put this thoughtful sticky note on the bathroom mirror, so that when you step out of the shower, you can KNOW that you look like you deserve some magic.

IMG_1294(Hey creepy due with the aviators. Quit staring at me. AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR HAND.)

Even the staff was fantastically special. We desired to sleep in, so we put out our Do Not Disturb sign, as one does. We left our room at 10am for the day and removed the hang tag.

As I was walking down the hall toward the two housekeepers, one was flipping out.

“I cannot POSSIBLY vacuum all of these bleepity-bleep rooms! I just don’t have time for this bleepity bleep! What the bleeping-bleeper-bleepit do they think they’re doing, scheduling us like this?!”

I got within five steps of them when they checked up, smiled, and said, “Hello ma’am!!”

Housekeeper Number Two said, “What room are you in, honey?”

“Room 205.”

“Okay…lemme check my list here…”

Feeling quite fearful of them dragging their negativity into my room and spewing it all over my pillowcase, I said “Oh it’s okay. You don’t have to clean our room.”

But then Chris, who missed the first half of this exchange, walked up behind me. “But if you have a chance, that’d be great.”

Housekeeper Number Two looked up at him and said, “OH – you were the room that had a Do Not Disturb sign on your door this morning. And you see, I marked it right here on this list. So I’m afraid we cannot clean your room today. Because I already marked it. On my list.”

I agreed with her that this made perfect sense and hurried Chris onto the elevator before he asked for toilet paper or some other rage-inducing item.

But when we got back to our room that evening, I unapologetically hung our other hang tag. Yes – the one that has a variation in every hotel – just for funsies.


That’s right, Wingate. I see your ridiculously unrelated guilt trip and I call your bluff. I don’t mind killing a white fluffy bunny so I can have clean sheets today*. GO KILL ME A BUNNY.

*No superfluous linens were received nor bunnies were harmed in the making of this blog post. The writer does not encourage the death of any bunnies, regardless of the super high threadcount sheets they can be made into.