One Oil to Rule Them All.

At Young Living Essential Oils, we pride ourselves in being on the cusp of technology, purity, and usefulness with our oils and oil blends. My Step-By-Step Guide can help you find all answers to life’s questions of health, well-being, prosperity, and immortality.

But now, your life will be reinvented with our new line of oils, The Galactic Power Collection.

The GPC will change the way you think of your health and of treating all of your family’s ailments. It is a highly researched set of blends that will help you learn to align your body with The Universal Rhythm.

Jupiter will bring peace to the rhythm of your soul, Mercury will bring into focus the rhythm of your mind, Venus will speak to the rhythm of your muscles, Mars will create a rhythm in your relationships, Saturn will bring rhythm to your bowels, and Neptune will normalize the rhythm of your emotions.

But the most powerful oil ever created and ever imagined will change the way this universe operates. Uranus.

Young Living Oil

The Oil of Uranus is formed from precious minerals deposited by asteroids found deep in the bowels of the earth. To retrieve them, we had to spelunk some of the world’s darkest and most dank caves, finding rocks that had previously never seen the light of day. To create Uranus, we ran the rocks through 200 feet of twisting, moist tubing that squeezes the oils out of the rocks as they pass by. The rocks are then ejected from the tubing and recycled in our composting bin.

Now. What can Uranus do for you?

Uranus can do an infinite number of things – with its pleasing aroma including slight chocolate tones mixed with florals and a fresh soil aftertaste, Uranus will intoxicate you at the first whiff.

If you find yourself with any kind of head cold, just rub Uranus onto your temples, and within an hour, you will find yourself healed and free and singing praises about Uranus. Also, just two drops of Uranus can and will cure all Fungal Infections of the foot. Uranus literally squeezes out the toxins.

Your children will also highly benefit from Uranus – in fact, Uranus can improve the health your entire family, pets and all!

If your baby gets an Ear Infection, just a tiny spritz of Uranus into the ear canal will immediately stop the pain. Use caution, though – Uranus can cause diaper rash if not mixed with a carrier oil.

When your toddler inevitably contracts the dreadful Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease, add a little Uranus to the mix and they will feel better by morning.

And for those school-aged children, nothing kills lice like Uranus. Forget about those pesky lice combs – massage Uranus into their scalp twice a day instead!

Swimmer’s Ear can also be prevented with Uranus, so don’t forget to bring it along next time you drop the kids off at the pool.

If your adolescents struggle with acne, Uranus can help them, as well. Just rub Uranus into their pores and you will see the transformation. As a bonus, Uranus erases freckles and tightens up wrinkles.

If one of your children is struggling with Attention Deficit Disorder, just leave two drops of Uranus on their school books and be amazed at the difference it will make.

Uranus can even help around the house. If your sinks get clogged or begin to develop an odor, drop a bomb of Uranus down each one for a fresh, happy, clear drain.

But there is no power so great as keeping Uranus diffused throughout your house. The aroma of Uranus will bring rhythm and harmony to your family like you’ve never experienced. Your husband will swoon under the power of Uranus, your children will become kind, obedient angels, and will even pick up after themselves. And as a bonus, cockroaches will scamper out of your home at the first trace of Uranus.

Knowing how to properly utilize and employ Uranus will change your family forever.

Try it today!

It’s Time for Some Resolve.

Resolve

– I resolve to run into less objects, which leave mysterious bruises on my upper thighs that I then spend days trying to remember what exactly I ran into.

– If that resolution doesn’t stick, I resolve to keep a bruise diary.

– I resolve to invent a car floorboard that eats Chick-Fil-A crumbs and toddler boogers, then upcycles them into fuel or coffee or something else just as useful.

– I resolve to help my house lose weight. I’m thinking it has about 4,000 pounds to lose to get out of the “nearly-hoarders” category on the House BMI chart.

– I resolve to actually bake my kids cookies…rather than buying the cookie dough then hiding it in the back of the fridge and slowly eating it by the spoonful.

– I resolve to become a legislative lobbyist – but only for the purposes of getting that dang bill passed to make daylight savings time permanent all year long. Sunset should never happen at 4:30pm – it’s inhuman! Even the farmers in the 1800s would agree – I’m sure of it.

– I resolve to clip my children’s toenails regularly. Or occasionally. Or semi-annually. Okay maybe once in July.

– I resolve to unsubscribe from the 56 emails I get every single day from stores I’ve never shopped at. I’m sure the North Koreans are somehow behind this brutal form of torture.

– I resolve to teach my children how not to be so needy, and even be independent problem solvers – at least when I’m in the bathroom.

– I resolve to figure out how to power an African nation fueled by harnessing and refining the hatred of Internet Trolls.

– I resolve to condition my body into being able to continue drinking 100 ounces of water a day, yet also be able to make it through a 40 minute television show without having to pause it at the most climactic moment so that I can go pee.

How about you?

Isn’t it Time to Talk to Your Doctor?

Have you found yourself weepy during this deplorable deletion of Daylight Savings Time and simultaneous bout of horrific weather? Have you looked out the window to the darkness, cursing its existence? Do you feel hopeless, as if warmth will never return to your life?

Then you may be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, along with millions of other Americans.

Which means that you may qualify for a free drug trial* for Fiji®!

Fiji is a treatment for Seasonal Affective Disorder that targets your Serotonin receptors to fool your body into thinking that it’s summertime and your life is a permanent vacation. To help you visualize what this drug does inside of you, picture Olaf singing about Summer. The way the drug is administered is that you simply take a trip to the island of Fiji.

SAD AdUnderlying photo by Christian Haugen. Because I haven’t been to Fiji. But it’s definitely right for me.

The study is a double-blind trial, so you will not know whether you are in the control group or test group. Well yes, you probably will. Because if you’re chosen for the control group, you’ll still be sitting in your living room in the dark behind a pile of snow. But if you’re chosen for the test group, you’ll receive an all-expenses paid* trip to Fiji!

So while you are lounging in the sun on a flawless beach with an umbrella in your frozen drink, we will be monitoring your overall mental health to determine if Fiji® is an effective treatment for SAD. While you’re on a private yacht at sunset dancing with your significant other while dolphins jump up and create heart shapes with their tails in the background, we will interrupt for just a second to get you to choose the face that represents how you’re feeling:

SAD Scale

And then, after returning home and having a full, frigid, dark-by-afternoon Monday back in your normal life, we will ask you to reassess your mood on the above scale so that we can quantify the efficacy of Fiji®.

So talk to your doctor. See if Fiji® may be right for you.

Side effects include extreme depression upon the discontinuance of this drug, impulsive behaviors that may include selling all possessions and attempting to hitchhike to Fiji, sudden and extreme political involvement and lobbying for the permanence of Daylight Savings Time, and death. Because all drugs these days could cause death. Talk to your doctor to make sure that you’re healthy enough for Fiji®. If you find yourself daydreaming about Fiji® for more than four hours, seek medical attention immediately.

Disclaimer: Despite our overwhelming confidence that it will prove to be 100% effective for the treatment of SAD, This drug will not be covered by Obamacare, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, Medicare, or any other type of insurance.

* All Expenses Paid, with the exception of airfare, accommodations, meals, and expenses.