Isn’t it Time to Talk to Your Doctor?

Have you found yourself weepy during this deplorable deletion of Daylight Savings Time and simultaneous bout of horrific weather? Have you looked out the window to the darkness, cursing its existence? Do you feel hopeless, as if warmth will never return to your life?

Then you may be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD, along with millions of other Americans.

Which means that you may qualify for a free drug trial* for Fiji®!

Fiji is a treatment for Seasonal Affective Disorder that targets your Serotonin receptors to fool your body into thinking that it’s summertime and your life is a permanent vacation. To help you visualize what this drug does inside of you, picture Olaf singing about Summer. The way the drug is administered is that you simply take a trip to the island of Fiji.

SAD AdUnderlying photo by Christian Haugen. Because I haven’t been to Fiji. But it’s definitely right for me.

The study is a double-blind trial, so you will not know whether you are in the control group or test group. Well yes, you probably will. Because if you’re chosen for the control group, you’ll still be sitting in your living room in the dark behind a pile of snow. But if you’re chosen for the test group, you’ll receive an all-expenses paid* trip to Fiji!

So while you are lounging in the sun on a flawless beach with an umbrella in your frozen drink, we will be monitoring your overall mental health to determine if Fiji® is an effective treatment for SAD. While you’re on a private yacht at sunset dancing with your significant other while dolphins jump up and create heart shapes with their tails in the background, we will interrupt for just a second to get you to choose the face that represents how you’re feeling:

SAD Scale

And then, after returning home and having a full, frigid, dark-by-afternoon Monday back in your normal life, we will ask you to reassess your mood on the above scale so that we can quantify the efficacy of Fiji®.

So talk to your doctor. See if Fiji® may be right for you.

Side effects include extreme depression upon the discontinuance of this drug, impulsive behaviors that may include selling all possessions and attempting to hitchhike to Fiji, sudden and extreme political involvement and lobbying for the permanence of Daylight Savings Time, and death. Because all drugs these days could cause death. Talk to your doctor to make sure that you’re healthy enough for Fiji®. If you find yourself daydreaming about Fiji® for more than four hours, seek medical attention immediately.

Disclaimer: Despite our overwhelming confidence that it will prove to be 100% effective for the treatment of SAD, This drug will not be covered by Obamacare, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, Medicare, or any other type of insurance.

* All Expenses Paid, with the exception of airfare, accommodations, meals, and expenses.

Drug of Choice.

This blog post has not be evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. It is not recommended to assume its contents are useful medical advice or life advice. Actually, that might be true of this entire website.

I am currently taking 125 calories worth of Vitamins a day, with the option of 20 more calories at night, if needed and/or desired.

Hi, My name is Rachel and I am a voluntary Gummy Vitamin addict.

I’d like to start this session by blaming my husband.

He has always tried to vitamize me, encouraging me to buy myself multivitamins anytime I start getting sick a lot, which has happened often in our marriage. But vitamins are always so gigantic, and I have trouble choking them down, so I would buy a bottle to appease him then take maybe two before giving up and letting them languish in the medicine cabinet.

Then one day he suggested Gummy Vitamins. He may not have, however, realized the extent of my adoration for all things Gummy, nor the full benefits of having gummies that I have justifiable cause to never share with my children. So, after getting completely hooked on multivitamins to the point that I was daily taking double doses and finding myself nauseous and then being in awe that an innocent little gummy could do that to me, I made it my goal to figure out how many different types of Gummy Vitamins I could take without ever overdosing again.

It was actually my annual goal, made on my birthday. Because I turned 33 and it was time for me to have Big Girl Goals.

So, let me introduce you to my current dosing schedule.

Gummy Vitamins

Let’s go from left to right.

The tiny, adorable red ones are Vitamin B12. Supposedly they give me a boost of energy and support my metabolism. They’re just little sprites of gummies but have a happy flavor, so they’re a passing sweet treat. However, I am also a fan of 5 Hour Energy*, and I do not recommend taking this vitamin on the same day as using a 5 Hour Energy.

* 5 Hour Energy needs new PR: Despite its gas-station-counter reputation, it’s not what most people think it is, which is like some super duper unhealthy dose of caffeine that Xtreme Sports Enthusiasts take. It does have a small amount of caffeine in it, but it’s mostly a huge shot of Vitamin B. AND IT IS AMAZING. It will make you run like a Puma, have energy like Kelly Ripa, and feel as happy as Larry the Cucumber trying to sing the blues. (And they’re also very tasty – I prefer Pink Lemonade.)

Let’s move on.

The second two vitamins, deliciously crusted in sugar-like crystals that I am sure are infused with all things good for me, are calcium gummies. As one would expect, they have a slightly milky-yet-sweet taste – as if you made Jell-O shots out of coffee creamer. They’re smooth and luscious, and make my bones strong, since I don’t exactly drink much milk.

The third rather nipply-looking vitamins are for Hair, Skin, and Nails. These taste like crap and are slightly sparkling – as if they were once Strawberry Fanta that was left out in the sun too long and then became fossilized and a bit moldy.

The fourth, largest, highest calorie collection are my three Airborne Vitamins. And yes – three is the recommended daily dose! So clearly this is a winning vitamin. But they are sour. It’s like slices of the eggs that Sour Patch Kids are born from. They help my sad immune system as well as adding a robust flavor to my daily collection.

The fifth pair are my Fiber Gummies. Because as I said, I’m a big girl now. They are the most bland of the entire collection and lack a satisfying elasticity, but are not distasteful.

And finally, the sixth pair are my MultiVitamins, which also have an emphasis on Hair, Skin and Nails. At times, I take one of these and one PreNatal Multivitamin, as both seem to help hair and nails in different ways and it’s fun to freak out my husband. And also, the PreNatal ones are so delightfully tasty. Like the smell of newborn baby.

My optional two vitamins are Melatonin, on nights where I’m too extroverted to sleep. The Melatonin Gummies have the most delightful flavor of all of the gummies – they’re sweet and comforting and in every way relaxing, which is exactly how you want your Melatonin to taste.

Melatonin Gummy Vitamins

Don’t they even look cozy?

I have clearly made grand progress on my annual goal, but I am also positive that I can add to my collection as I discover new ways that my body might possibly need more infused fruit snacks.

Because I like to be healthy.

Sunsets By the Package.

In two days, I got two emails from different guys that I have zero connections with. (They were real emails from real people, guys!) One wanted advice as to where to take his girlfriend for a special date, and the other wanted advice as to where to propose to his girlfriend.

This might sound extraordinarily random (and it kinda is), but both had been googling for the best sunset locations in Birmingham and had naturally found me.

I gave them both advice on where to take their women, and recommended each a completely different array of locations, as I customized my suggestions to their specific needs and desires.

Because I’m apparently the new Romantic Advice Column of the Birmingham metropolitan area.

IMG_5694

Which made me realize: it’s time to create some packages and start selling my services.

 

You want sunsets? I got sunsets. Choose from the below packages for the correct amount of sunset advice that you would like.

The Crush Package: I tell you where to go to see a sunset. No refunds or exchanges.

The Date Package: If you’re interested in romance and safety, I tell you where to go to see a sunset in a location that you will most likely not get mugged and/or fall off a cliff.

The Sweetheart Package: If you’re interested in romance, safety, and not getting eaten by zombies, I tell you where to see a sunset in a location that does not include a haunted parking deck that you can’t escape from after sunset.

The Memories Package: If you’re interested in romance, safety, not getting trapped, and not regretting your date all week, I tell you where to see a sunset that will not involve chiggers and/or mosquitoes feasting on every inch of your flesh AFTER they completely devour your girlfriend.

The Lovebird Package: If you’re interested in romance, safety, not getting trapped, not getting eaten, and not getting shot by a resident and/or reported to the police and taken into custody for trespassing, I tell you where to see a sunset that doesn’t involve encroachment onto private property.

The Quiet Solitude Package: If you’re interested in romance, safety, not getting trapped, not getting eaten, not getting arrested and/or killed, and a romantic atmosphere, I tell you where to see a sunset and guarantee that I will not show up there to take sunset photos with my tired, hungry, and whining children who will almost certainly fall down, skin their knees, and scream for freaking ever.

The Proposal Package: If you’re interested in romance, safety, not getting trapped, not getting eaten, not getting arrested and/or killed, a romantic atmosphere, and being able to remember your moment forever, I tell you where to see a sunset and I’ll show up without my kids, hide in the bushes on private property*, and subtly take pictures of your perfect sunset proposal**.

* After you sign a waiver promising to bail me out of jail, pay all of my court costs, hire me the best lawyer in town to defend my reputation, and provide Chigarid for the 98 chigger bites that I am guaranteed to procure.

** Even if she says no.