Crochet Shorts: The Review.

There has never been any news article released that both my readers and friends felt such unanimous urgency to send to me than Crochet Shorts for Men made out of recycled vintage afghans. The tweets, Facebook messages, emails, texts, and IRL “You have GOT to SEE THIS!” lasted for well over a month.

Perhaps it was because of my post about Doilies not being Shorts, and people needed to know – were blankets as shorts a better choice?

I came very close to ordering a pair – just for you guys. After all, if you all love me enough to bombard me with this information so thoroughly, I owed it to you.

But, thankfully for my budget, I have a family member that is just weird enough to buy them for himself.

Crochet Shorts 3

No, Not Chris.

Uncle Leo.

If you’ve been around for long enough, you should also remember that Leo is the self-taught toenail artist who makes fantastically intricate three-dimensional artscapes out of his carefully saved clippings for his cherished wife.

(If you don’t know, you need to click through and then come back.)

But he is also well-known in his hometown for his eclectic fashion statements, and can often be easily picked out of a crowd at the Flora-Bama (I’ve actually had one blog reader do just that – and even introduce herself to him.)

Leo Outfits

So wearing Crochet Shorts with a tuxedo suit to a Mardi Gras Ball was perhaps the most appropriate use that this New American Fashion Staple had ever experienced.Leo Crochet Shorts 2

And, after the ball, because he loves me, he shipped the shorts to me.

To share with you.

The pattern is quite generous in its hole size, so before I could put them on, in the name of decency, I had to start with some “Undershorts”.

So the process of modeling Crochet started here:

Starter Shorts

(I’ll have you know that I painted my toenails for the first time post-Winter just for this photo shoot. You’re welcome.)

Then it was time for the shorts.

Now granted, they were made for Leo. And Leo and I are not identical in size.

Which is when the first feature of the Crochet Short, the drawstring, comes in very handy.

Crochet Shorts

But let’s talk about that drawstring.

Its sharp edges tend to cut straight through layers of epidermis, all while creating a serious crochet bunching issue, especially when cinched, adding to one’s waist a small intertube made of yarn. The effect is…unsettling.


My thoughtful photographer and dearest husband went behind my back and captured an image that shows how very deeply that waistband cut, all while adding extreme inches as it did so.


But OH.

The Butt.

If ever anyone wanted a Kardashian-Sized Kaboose, Crochet Shorts will provide. They are the Fairy Godmother, the Genie in a Bottle, the Avada Kedavra of the small backside.

Crochet Butt

I MEAN. I know that running has grown my butt. But it’s not that size.

To convince myself of that fact after I perused, mouth agape, the photos of my rear view, I had to go put on a pair of blue jeans (after all, that’s the way my butt is the most comfortable being photographed) and drag my cameraman back out to the porch, despite the fact that it was after dark.

Crochet Butt Comparison

How do those shorts make my whole top half look two sizes bigger, too? They are magical in all the wrong ways. And there is something so intestinally inappropriate about the downward design of that chevron.

Oh – you want to see the front Chevron? Even worse.

Crochet Crotch

Overall, they just didn’t seem like they were meant for me.

Crochet Jean Comparison

Or, perhaps, I was not meant for them.

They deserved better.

So I tried them on a different model.

Noah in Crochet Shorts

Yes – it was clear.

Who Wore It Better

Crochet Shorts are meant for the naturally cute – like Noah and his Great Uncle Leo.

The Model’s Commentary.

I admit it. I do so much shopping on Hautelook (okay – all of my shopping), that I’ve gotten to know the models.

Each one and I have a special bond. I especially appreciate their ability to show me their true feelings about the clothes they model – because HauteLook has some awesome stuff, and they have some awful stuff. The models speak subtly with their eyes, as if they’re whispering it just to me so that their photographer can’t hear.

One of these lace shirts will make you happy and peaceful. The other will give you PMS.


Recently, I’ve gotten to know two models particularly well. Let’s call them Shelby and Chloe.

Their thoughts have been louder than usual, and I felt that they might need documenting.

Let’s start with Shelby.


Shelby’s kind of in a bad place right now…

That’s because I am NOT Wendy and I am NOT starring in a live-action filming of Peter Pan and WHAT ARE THESE THINGS THEY’VE ROPED TO MY FEET!?


Thanks, but I prefer to not wear my shower curtain.


If you’re going to make me look like Cindy Lou Who, at least give me cool hair.


This dress is camouflage. BARK camouflage. Just in case someone wants to go strapless while hunting grubs?


Oh hooray. I can get mistaken for the technician next time I take my dog to the vet.


Seriously. Seriously? This shirt looks like a mistake. From every angle. Even my thigh gap can’t fix this.


I can’t even.


Why do you hate me.IMG_0853

You found these shoes in the gardening department of Wal-Mart. Didn’t you.


So you’re saying you’re trying to pass this off as a…dress….


I quit, guys. I. Quit.


Many of us can relate to Shelby, who has landed in the employment mire of resentful resignation and acceptance, and has begun to look for a new job.

But now lets meet Chloe, who is still in a state of bewilderment at the ensembles arranged for her like a toddler with a milk crate full of Barbie clothes.


DO YOU SEE WHAT IS ON MY FEET. 1998 is on my feet.


In what world do these four pieces of clothing look normal together. I look like that crazy lady who works down at the DMV.


These pants come with a coupon for 20% off your first month at Retirement Village!


I have a 24 inch waist. TWENTY FOUR. Do you even KNOW how many carbs I gave up for that? And then you do THIS to it?!


Did you just make my belly button look off-centered? Because I think you made my belly-button look off-centered.


Please tell me you’ll be airbrushing.


I hate you so hard right now.


Let’s all take a moment to acknowledge: modeling isn’t as glamorous as we imagined. And let’s add Shelby and Chloe’s job search to our prayer lists.

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