CDC Warning: New FTD, Lularoe, Now Classified as Pandemic.

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FTDs, or Facebookually Transmitted Diseases, are now at an all-time high. Please be aware of the latest FTD, know if you are at risk, and prevent further transmission.

Lularoe.

Any woman who is Facebookually active can get Lularoe. Lularoe can cause very serious complications if not treated, and is extremely easy to transmit to other Facebook partners.

What is Lularoe?

Lularoe is a Facebookually transmitted disease (FTD) that can infect women. It can cause infections of buttery soft leggings spreading throughout your closet, mix-and-match cotton prints draining your bank account, and sudden urges to create online parties.

How is Lularoe spread?

Lularoe is spread by engaging in online parties with your Facebook partners. If invited to one of these parties, turn off notifications immediately to lessen the chance of transmitting this disease. To ensure prevention, leave the group, although this can cause bruised relationships with those that are already suffering from Lularoe.

Am I at risk of Lularoe?

YES. Pregnant and post-partum women are at particularly high risk for this disease. It can also be spread from a parent to a female child, as buttery soft leggings also come in smaller sizes. There is even a small percentage of males who are a carrier for Lularoe and transmit it to their female partner by inadvertently buying her buttery soft leggings for a birthday or holiday.

I’m pregnant. How does Lularoe affect my baby?

If you are pregnant and have Lularoe, you can give the infection to your baby during delivery. This can cause serious fashion problems for your baby. If you are pregnant, it is important that you talk to your health care provider so that you get the correct examination, testing, and treatment, as necessary. Treating Lularoe as soon as possible will make health complications for your baby less likely.

Can Lularoe be cured?

Yes, with the right treatment, Lularoe can be treated. Treatment involves a rigorous stripping of one’s Facebook Group Memberships. Extreme cases can require the cancelling of the credit card on file.

I was treated for Lularoe. When can I Facebook Again?

You should wait seven days after finishing all treatments before engaging in Facebook activity. To avoid getting infected with Lularoe again or spreading Lularoe to your friends, you and your Facebook friend(s) should avoid having online parties. If you’ve had Lularoe and took medication in the past, you can still get infected again if you have unprotected online parties with a person who has Lularoe.

Although it is currently the most prevalent, it is important to note that Lularoe is not the only FTD for which you are at risk.

Another highly common FTD is Political Intellectualdeficiency Virus (PIV). PIV is a serious disease that infects both men and women. It causes loss of reason and unrestrained support of a political candidate, leaving you unable to see any of their faults. As the disease progresses, the symptoms can include absolute demonizing of all supporters of another candidate. This disease tends to spike in occurrence every four years, and taper off in mid-November, although this year’s strain is projected to last much, much longer. If you find yourself or those you love still experiencing symptoms of PIV, seek treatment as soon as possible.

Other less frequent Facebookually Transmitted Diseases include Oilmydia (click here to find out more about this disease’s progression), Monogramitis, and the occasional Facebookually spread case of Pinterexia Nervosa.

Facebookually Transmitted Diseases are serious illnesses that often require extreme and long-term treatments to eradicate. Please take great caution to practice Safe Facebook.

November 10: National Day of Rainbows and Unicorns.

“You know what the world needs more of today? Rainbows and Unicorns.”

These were my thoughts when I opened up Facebook.

Two minutes into my feed…

“Unicorns. Rainbows. Stat.”

Five minutes in…

“I NEED A UNICORN CRAPPING A RAINBOW THIS INSTANT.”

I opened up my Bitmoji app to try and find the picture of my cartoon self doing just that,

 

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…Only to discover that my Bitmoji front page looked just like my Facebook feed.

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And then I remembered.

I had just the thing that I needed. Nay, perhaps what all of America needed. Or all of the world.

This summer, we discovered something quite accidentally. Noah was playing with the hose in the bright summer sunshine, and I noticed the effect.

I ran in and got my camera and pleaded, begged, and bribed him to let me take pictures.

“PLEASE let me take a picture of a rainbow coming out of your butt. I’ll buy you THREE pieces of candy if you’ll let me take a picture of a rainbow coming out of your butt!!!!”

The pictures weren’t perfect, so I never shared them (except with a friend who has an especially strange penchant for unicorns pooping rainbows.)

My plan was to recreate it again and try to get the arc just right and make sure the end of the rainbow connected from where it was supposed to come just so.

But alas, the summer got away from us and I never worked on my photography project.

But that’s okay.

Because America just needs rainbows today. Not perfect rainbows – just any old rainbow will do.

Therefore, I hereby declare it National Day of Rainbows and Unicorns.

So here you go.

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He’s no unicorn, but he can poop a rainbow. So basically, he’s a unicorn.

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And if you still need more Unicorns Pooping Rainbows, then by all means watch this:

So go out there and spread some rainbow and unicorn love. Send me your cute kids, your puppies, your funny videos, and for sure share if you have someone or something pooping a rainbow.

That’s all I got, America.

7 Things Better Than a Debate.

Tonight is the first presidential debate.

I know, right.

Approximately 55% of the country moans in desperation, crying out to God, asking “Is this the judgment we’ve read about in Revelation??”

Apocalyptic or not, a debate between Trump and Clinton is perhaps the last thing I want to watch, especially since they’re not even letting any third party candidates in to chop up the madness into more palatable bites.

But watch I will. Or at least sit in the room while Chris watches it and I stare at my phone.

However, I do wish that the Beings in Charge would have conferred with me as to the setup of this debate. Because I have a few ideas. A few million ideas possibly, but definitely a few ideas that would make this whole showdown less nauseating.

After all, we live in a Media-Crazed Reality-Show world, which is partially to blame for the situation we find ourselves in now. So why not utilize those setups and make the whole catastrophe at least more interesting, and possibly even more informative?

Let me present a few of my ideas to you, since no one else has asked for them.

1. A dinner at Downton Abbey.

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I think the IDEAL way to truly grasp the candidate’s ability to handle such a high-stress job would be to have Mrs. and Mr. Clinton, along with Mr. and Mrs. Trump, attend a dinner party with the Crawleys. The Dowager Countess, of course, would be in charge of questioning the candidates. After leaving them both at a loss for words with her endlessly witty smackdowns, she would concisely pass her judgment.

About Trump,

“Is this an instrument of communication or torture?”

And About Hillary,

“She is like a homing pigeon. She finds our underbelly every time… Dreadful woman!”

Then she would throw up her hands and say “Why does everyday involve a fight with an American?”

I agree, Violet. I agree.

But if Downton Abbey didn’t work out…

2. Hunger Games.

I think the important skills of avoiding the sting of Tracker Jackers, the jaws of Wolf Muttations, and no matter how hungry you are, not tasting those delicious looking Nightlock berries would be a good judge of ability to be the President of the United States of America.

And hey. If a face full of Tracker Jacker stings left one or two opponents unable to run for office anymore, I think America would be able to recover from their loss….eventually.

3. Naked and Afraid.

You know what, no.

That’s a horrible idea.

4. A Day of Alabama Football practice.

They don’t even have to practice football. Really any situation where Saban can yell at them for a solid eight hours and then have a press conference where he talks about how vastly disappointed he is in the both of them would make me blissfully happy.

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5. Swimming with Michael Phelps.

That’s just because I want to see any mortal swim next to Michael Phelps. But Hillary and Donald would be especially amusing – most notably watching the orange hair (and orange chest hair) flap about in the pool and seeing that pantsswimsuit.

6. The Apprentice – Presidential Edition.

In this hit show, both contestants would serve in a one month trial presidency under Barack Obama. They would compete in important presidential skills, such as negotiating peace treaties, wrestling with massive lose-lose policy decisions, rolling Easter eggs on the White House lawn, and eating monkey brains with the King of that country in Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom. Who can eat it with a straight face and presidential flair? Who hears “You’re Fired!”?

7. Liar Liar

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Find that fantastic kid Max who wished his Dad couldn’t lie for 24 hours, and then pay him a million dollars to wish the same about Hill and Don. Then ask them each a question per minute for the entire 24 hours.

OH. MY. GOODNESS. The glory.

What would you create to replace the presidential debates? Make it good. Give me something to read and laugh about during the torture tonight.