The Best Worst Comments, Volume II

You may have heard…bloggers live for comments.

They are just the best. They add richness and depth to the story, offer wisdom, information, and differing viewpoints, as well as giving us the positive feedback we need to keep writing – because every blogger’s Love Language is Words of Affirmation – why else would we spend hundreds of hours writing down our inane and unimportant thoughts?

However, even the worst comments are still the best. They always come from drive-by readers (never regulars), and usually have a certain flair of nuttiness that truly deserves an award. I shared the first volume of these a year and a half ago, and have been saving all new best worst comments just for you.

Almost all of my negative comments are left on my collection of denim posts. Since all of those posts are at least two years old and already have an insane number of ridiculously repetitive comments, I often wonder why people still feel the need to leave their thoughts.

As does, apparently, Rod.

Comment Bored to Death

At least he said “we.” Recognizing one’s own hypocrisy is the first step, Rod.

Dina disagrees with my denim conclusions and offered her own ideas about what the problem was.

Comment No Butt

Well, besides the fact that I had multiple models so as to not rely on the sizing issues of one specific butt, Dina will be happy to know that my new running muscles have “fixed” that problem. And now all my jeans don’t fit.

So I guess I need to try Gap jeans now and they’ll be all better?

Or not.

Monica has another explanation.

Comment Exercise

I am so conflicted!! Who is right about my butt – Dina or Monica?! Does it need growing or shrinking? I’m going to have a rear crisis right here right now.

Neto felt the need to leave his wishes and dreams for all to read.

Comment Fat

Thank you for your input, Neto. I wish you the best in your quest.

Lisa was especially angry. Because only especially angry people use the word friggen and misspell six words in two paragraphs.

Comment Dryer

Thankfully, I do not think my readers are too stupid to notice the asterisk and read the writing on the photo she’s referring to that clearly indicates it was meant to be satirical.

Gap and Old Navy Stretch Out

Thanks for being smarter than Lisa, everyone.

Eay felt the need to point out other problems.

Comment Grammar

Never read comments with such poor .period. .usage.

Sometimes people think the fact that I use the term “Mom Jeans” means I’m anti-Mom.

Comment Disparaging

If I am lucky, I am already a Mom. As is clearly shown in my blog header and stated in the post on which you comment. Psh. Details, details.

Huma, on the other hand, thinks I’ve been living under a rock.

Comment Mom Jeans

I have the commercial memorized and can act it out if you’d like (as long as I can be Amy Poehler.) But thanks for the education anyway, Huma.

But my favorite jeans commenter of late was Mike, who, it should be noted, speaks for ALL (good) men.

Comment Guy Perspective

You heard it first here, people. Nicole Richie is what we should all be shooting for. And if your man is no good and you can’t figure out why, then you best check the tag on the inside of your jeans.

Besides my blog, another place that’s fun to get comments is on James Spann’s Facebook Page. As our local Meteorologist, he occasionally shares my sunset pictures, and he has a far better collection of nuts than I do.

For instance, this picture,

140219 Enjoying the View

brought out the chem-trail conspiracy theorists. See the cross in the sky? Those are left by commercial airplanes, which the United States Government uses to spread poison that is going to kill us all.

So it should be noted that I am a highly irresponsible mother for letting my children sit on a hillside under such dangerous and noxious gases. When they grow a third leg and a second belly-button, everyone will see and believe.

And then there was this photo, which I took during the two weeks in the Spring that we have Japanese Cherry Blossoms.

140331 Japanese Cherry Trees Basking in the Warmth of Birmingham

It captured the particular ire of Misty.

Comment Photo 1

Some tried to explain it to her,

Comment Photo 2 copy

Others tried to encourage her to relax,

Comment Photo 3

or just move on,

Comment Photo 4

but Misty. Misty could not be satiated.

Comment Photo 5

White Jesus snuggling with a Velociraptor!!!

I was intrigued. Is this a thing???

So I did what anyone would do in these circumstances.

I Googled.

“White Jesus snuggling with a velociraptor.”

And what to my wondering eyes did appear….

IMG_3070

Holy. Crap.

Relief swept over me. Because if Jesus once posed with a Velociraptor, then my photo (that I distinctly remember taking and never loading into Photoshop) must be real, too.

Now that we can all rest happily knowing that the Velociraptor is so well taken care of, back to blog comments.

Once I wrote about getting a pink streak in my hair, and I mentioned the fact that Chris “tells” me to do whatever I want with my hair as long as I keep it long. I didn’t feel the need to spell it out that I willingly agree to this because I love him and seriously enjoy making him happy, but in retrospect, I see that explanation might have helped “ffff.”

Com Husband

Oh my, how creative of you to fill out your email address as poop@fart.com. Or will Ezekiel not allow you to have a real address of your very own?

Last Christmas, my kids watched a Disney movie that repeatedly implied that Santa wasn’t real. I wrote an exaggerated, over-dramatized post about it. One that Katy did not appreciate.

Comment Santa

I’m dealing with it, Katy. I’m dealing with it.

Finally, Spam.

I currently have over 15,000 spam comments in my filter (and I think it clears every 30 days.) I see almost none of these, but every now and then one makes it through. Almost none of those are interesting, but this one – this is The One in 15,000.

Comment Leggings of the Shadowy Protector

Not for the comment itself.

Just for the brilliant author name.

I SO want to meet “leggings Of the shadowy protector.” I mean, how thrilling of a job is it to be leggings for a shadowy protector? Does the shadowy protector treat his leggings right, never wearing them as pants but always covering his butt? And if not, is the legging’s print awkwardly misaligned on the rear, giving the shadowy protector the look of one leg (and butt-cheek) being longer than the other?

IMG_5258

Furthermore, does the shadowy protector care for his leggings, making sure before every use that they haven’t developed one of those annoying yet ubiquitous crotch holes?

And are they pleather? Because I have a feeling that the shadowy protector might wear shiny faux-leather leggings. And call them his “vegan” pants.

And finally, why is “Of” the only word in the title that’s capitalized?

I will never, ever quit wondering.

Tales from the Porch Swing.

The kids were playing outside while I was lounging flat on my back on the porch swing.

(That happens more than it should. But Motherhood as an introvert is exhausting.)

(And I’m exceptionally good at lazy when I want to be.)

Noah needed to go to the bathroom, so he headed over for me to unbutton and unzip his pants, then shuffled inside.

But it’s fall, y’all. And the kid had on blue jeans.

So he couldn’t get them off.

He came back outside and I wrestled him out of his jeans – because toddler jeans are nearly as hard to manage as women’s skinny jeans.

He sprinted back inside, naked from the waist down this time.

(My neighbors think we’re real classy.)

I continued my lounging in peace, scrolling on my phone, reading my tweets, doing all the things that one does when laying flat on their back in a gently gliding swing on a beautiful fall day.

After about fifteen minutes, I realized that Noah probably should have returned by then to collect his pants.

And then I remembered that he was especially gaseous as we were wrestling him out of his jeans. At the time I assumed it was from all the straining, but fifteen minutes later, I recognized the more likely cause.

He had to poop.

And he doesn’t wipe his own butt.

(I have been exiled to nearly eight years of constant butt-wiping. The day that I don’t have to wipe anyone’s butt ever again is going to be one with much rejoicing.)

So Noah. He was probably still sitting on the toilet, waiting for me to come clean his hinder, no way to reach me since he, unlike the rest of the first world, cannot text while pooping.

I went inside and was greeted with an aroma that confirmed my suspicions.

“Nooo-aah? Are you okay?”

“Yes! I pooped.”

I walked in and he was still calmly sitting on the toilet, most likely straining his vagal nerve and germinating toddler hemorrhoids due to my negligence.

“I’m so sorry, buddy. <wipe, wipe> So…what exactly was your plan? Were you going to sit here all day until I came?”

“Well, I yelled and I yelled for you, but that just made me poop more. Did you see all those poops in there?!?”

“Well then, I guess it worked out nicely!”

I got him cleaned up and washing his hands and thanked him for waiting patiently for me. Which is when he looked at me with love and adoration in his eyes and said,

“I knew you would know. You would know I pooped. You would know I needed you to wipe me.”

And that’s how a boy melts his Mom’s heart…with feces.

Noah Charm


On yet another round of “Mommy lays in the porch swing while you kids play nicely together,” Ali and Noah were drawing with chalk in the driveway.

They seemed happy and especially giggly, so I let them alone until it was absolutely time to call them inside.

That night, we were all riding in the car together when Chris mentioned,

“So either Ali’s handwriting has gotten really good all of a sudden, or she convinced you to write ‘poop’ on the driveway.”

“Whaaaa?! I didn’t write poop on the driveway!”

“Are you sure? Because it was really, really well-written. I stared at it for a minute, then said to myself, ‘well, I guess Ali asked Rachel to write it and she did for some reason.’”

“I did NOT write poop on the driveway. I do remember them talking about a toilet, though…”

“Oh! I saw that too and thought it was a giant white finger pointing to where she had written poop.”

Ali was listening intently and finally chimed in.

“I was the one who wrote poop on the driveway. And underneath that, I drew a brown, lumpy…”

“WE GET IT.”

When we got home, Chris let me out of the car and he shined the headlights on the artwork du jour so I could experience it for myself.

And I must say, she really does deserve an A+ for those letters.

Chalk Poop_thumb

As well as marks in thoroughness for making the inside of the toilet bowl yellow.

Chalk Toilet_thumb

I got back in the car.

“Well that’s just something.”

“And did you know that it’s not supposed to rain for over a week?”

“Fantastic.”

The next day, my Mom stopped by. Noah dragged her to the driveway to show her the new facilities, as well as to demonstrate how very talented he was at squatting over the potty and pretending to use it.

 

And I’m going to have to start baking daily Apology Cookies for my neighbors.

Work of Worth: Pretty Things Changing Lives {Giveaway}

Third World Entrepreneurial Philanthropy. It sounds all big-wordish and heady, but it’s one of my favorite concepts that has been made easier due to the internet age. In short, it means freedom.

Freedom for women enslaved in sex trafficking.

Freedom for families who have no way to support their children.

Freedom from work that exploits, mistreats, and abuses.

Freedom from having to decide whether to starve or sell a child.

The particular form of Entrepreneurial Philanthropy that I’m referring to is when a company opens up in an impoverished area with the intent of employing people who need a chance to find those freedoms. They are committed to paying fair wages, treating their employees with dignity, and transforming lives.

The way the internet greatly aids this cause is by connecting these organizations with the Western Market through e-commerce. Never before has it been as easy as it is now to buy artisan products from Africa, India, and anywhere else in the world. The opportunity to be able to purchase these beautiful and unique items while helping provide freedom to people who desperately need it is truly a gift. And it is a gift I try to utilize any chance I get.

There’s a brand new organization providing the valuable service of connecting us with freedom-bringing products: Work of Worth International.

Join us

Work of Worth carries beautiful artisan products from organizations that they have thoroughly vetted to ensure that they are truly offering hope and freedom to their employees. They have a particular focus on groups working with employees who have found escape from sex trafficking, as well as groups who focus on preemptive sustainable employment so that families are not faced with the choice of feeding someone or selling them.

Work of Worth’s headquarters are based in Birmingham, so I was able to go to their launch event last month for a sneak peek at the beautiful products they’re carrying. I bought jewelry for myself, a very special journal for Ali (she obviously carries it everywhere), and a t-shirt for Chris.

IMG_5165

I have LOVED my jewelry, and find myself constantly admiring the exquisite craftsmanship of it, shocked this amazing bracelet only cost $10!

Work of Worth Bracelet

I was also privileged with the opportunity to go through all of their collection and recommend my own mini-collection of Work of Worth items. It was difficult to narrow it down, but I pushed through – just for you.

Rachel Callahan CC L

Decopalm Journal, $15; Grecian Goddess Necklace, $20; Rings of Hope Bracelet, $15; Sari Hobo Bag, $30

These pieces are just fabulous. They are all luxurious, gorgeous statement pieces that can go with anything. And any of them would make stand-out Christmas gifts (it’s just around the corner, ladies!), or simply gifts for yourself. Because hey – why not buy for yourself when you have the excuse that it’s helping someone else?

As an added bonus, though, I’m buying something for you. Just in time for the cooler weather, one of you will receive one of these stunning Sari Infinity Scarves. All you have to do to enter is check out Work of Worth’s Shop and come back and tell me your favorite find.

Sari Infinifty Scarf

You have until Thursday, October 30 to enter. A winner will be chosen and announced on my giveaway winner’s page on Friday, October 31. Best of luck, and I can’t wait to hear which items are your favorite!

Disclosure: I was not compensated in any way to write this post. Opinions are my own, I made purchases of my own products, and I’m paying for the giveaway item. I am simply in love what Work of Worth is doing.