Not-Crazy-Renee and the Creepy Middle Child.

“How’s Not-Crazy-Renee doing?”

I’m sure you’re asking that right now, since that’s what all blog readers want to know when they see me. She is, after all, the all-time favorite blog character.

With good reason.

To answer your question, she’s doing fine.

She still feeds Snakey Butters Buttercup, her five year old’s pet python, every Wednesday night (or every other, if she forgets, and then Snakey gets a two-for-the-price-of-one night.) I was honored to be invited over for the grand event recently. I got to hold Snakey before the meal, letting her snake up my arm and waggle her tongue in my general direction. I was fascinated by how smooth she is – “scaly” doesn’t mean what you think it means. After that, I was privileged to watch as she gave little Mickey one last good hug, then swallowed him with less trouble than I have swallowing a french fry.

Everyone needs this experience with a python.

The week before I visited had been a two-for-one night, and I got this series of texts from Not-Crazy-Renee about the mishaps therein…

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I know. At this moment you can do nothing but be intensely jealous that she’s my not-crazy friend and not yours.

Changing the subject.

Earlier this week, I agreed to do her family photos – you know, for Christmas cards and such. I do not do this for many people because OH THE PRESSURE of taking portraits. But I did hers last year, and her kids are super photogenic and therefore easy to photograph at their best, so I agreed.

Last year, her middle child, Jonas, was my favorite to photograph. He’s beyond adorable. (They all are, but he’s my favorite. Can I have a favorite?)

Besides giving me the precious shots I wanted,

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he gave me the best “OH NO YOU DI’INT!!” shot of all time:

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Right? Right.

So this year, I expected more fantastical photos from him.

However. He decided to remove himself as my favorite and instead, offer me a different sort of treasure.

Out of the hundreds of pictures I took, I got maybe 5 good ones of him.

The rest were his apparent audition photos to be the next Hollywood Evil Villain Child.

He started out playfully evil. The Doofenshmirtz of bad guys.

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Then he moved on to Cedric the Sorcerer.

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From there he went full-on Joker…

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And just a bit of Draco Malfoy.

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(Positive he was casting a Cruciatus Curse here…)

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But then, when it was time for family photos, is when it got weird.

I told him to smile,

And the kid turned into a …

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straight-up…

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Chucky.

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We tried one more picture up against the ivy-covered wall. We all begged him to smile. And as his sister looked toward the heavens, looking as if she’d seen an angel,

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He looked like he had seen something…

or was something….

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quite different.

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He may not be my favorite anymore, but he’s for sure ready for Hollywood.



Epilogue: In fairness and to soothe the nightmares I just provided you, I did get a couple adorable shots of him,

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And precious shots of him with his siblings.

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Also, I was able to make this fabulous music video, thanks to his superior inter-photograph dance skillz.

And then, my masterpiece of the year, was this sick beat…

(Y’all remember this post one day when Photographical DJing is a thing. Remember that I, and Jonas, were the pioneers.)

….so maybe he’s still my favorite. Maybe.

(But I’m only retracting my renouncement of him because he looked at me like this after reading this post…)

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CDC Warning: New FTD, Lularoe, Now Classified as Pandemic.

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FTDs, or Facebookually Transmitted Diseases, are now at an all-time high. Please be aware of the latest FTD, know if you are at risk, and prevent further transmission.

Lularoe.

Any woman who is Facebookually active can get Lularoe. Lularoe can cause very serious complications if not treated, and is extremely easy to transmit to other Facebook partners.

What is Lularoe?

Lularoe is a Facebookually transmitted disease (FTD) that can infect women. It can cause infections of buttery soft leggings spreading throughout your closet, mix-and-match cotton prints draining your bank account, and sudden urges to create online parties.

How is Lularoe spread?

Lularoe is spread by engaging in online parties with your Facebook partners. If invited to one of these parties, turn off notifications immediately to lessen the chance of transmitting this disease. To ensure prevention, leave the group, although this can cause bruised relationships with those that are already suffering from Lularoe.

Am I at risk of Lularoe?

YES. Pregnant and post-partum women are at particularly high risk for this disease. It can also be spread from a parent to a female child, as buttery soft leggings also come in smaller sizes. There is even a small percentage of males who are a carrier for Lularoe and transmit it to their female partner by inadvertently buying her buttery soft leggings for a birthday or holiday.

I’m pregnant. How does Lularoe affect my baby?

If you are pregnant and have Lularoe, you can give the infection to your baby during delivery. This can cause serious fashion problems for your baby. If you are pregnant, it is important that you talk to your health care provider so that you get the correct examination, testing, and treatment, as necessary. Treating Lularoe as soon as possible will make health complications for your baby less likely.

Can Lularoe be cured?

Yes, with the right treatment, Lularoe can be treated. Treatment involves a rigorous stripping of one’s Facebook Group Memberships. Extreme cases can require the cancelling of the credit card on file.

I was treated for Lularoe. When can I Facebook Again?

You should wait seven days after finishing all treatments before engaging in Facebook activity. To avoid getting infected with Lularoe again or spreading Lularoe to your friends, you and your Facebook friend(s) should avoid having online parties. If you’ve had Lularoe and took medication in the past, you can still get infected again if you have unprotected online parties with a person who has Lularoe.

Although it is currently the most prevalent, it is important to note that Lularoe is not the only FTD for which you are at risk.

Another highly common FTD is Political Intellectualdeficiency Virus (PIV). PIV is a serious disease that infects both men and women. It causes loss of reason and unrestrained support of a political candidate, leaving you unable to see any of their faults. As the disease progresses, the symptoms can include absolute demonizing of all supporters of another candidate. This disease tends to spike in occurrence every four years, and taper off in mid-November, although this year’s strain is projected to last much, much longer. If you find yourself or those you love still experiencing symptoms of PIV, seek treatment as soon as possible.

Other less frequent Facebookually Transmitted Diseases include Oilmydia (click here to find out more about this disease’s progression), Monogramitis, and the occasional Facebookually spread case of Pinterexia Nervosa.

Facebookually Transmitted Diseases are serious illnesses that often require extreme and long-term treatments to eradicate. Please take great caution to practice Safe Facebook.

These are Two Pieces of Important Information.

First piece of important information: I want to personally invite any local (or non-local, if you really love me) people to come see me next Saturday, November 19. I teamed up with the fantastically talented Sarah and Allen Woodall to present a pop-up shop at West Elm (at the Summit.) We’ll be there from 10-4 and will have all SORTS of amazing Christmas gifts. We are single-handedly (okay triple-handedly) saving you from the immense pain of Black Friday shopping, people.

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All of my Picture Birmingham proceeds are donated to The WellHouse to help rescue victims of human trafficking.

Second piece of VERY important information:

Along with my normal gift products that are perfect for your Christmas Shopping (coasters! pillows! prints! metal prints! note cards! a couple Christmas ornaments! and so much more!), I will have a very limited supply of an extremely special gift item….

Roadkill Note Cards.

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They feature four different animal models found and posed in the Birmingham area. Each animal’s name is lovingly scripted on the bottom right hand corner inside the card, and half the cards also have captions to make your notes all the more special:

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The note cards are printed on a gorgeous linen paper and are perfect for wedding thank yous, meaningful notes, baby shower cards, election condolences, and other such momentous occasions.

(And obviously your Dirty Santa game will be red hot if you show up with these cards.)

So come to the Pop-Up shop and claim one of your sets of these rare note card. 10-4 next Saturday, November 19. West Elm.

Oh. And if you can’t come to the pop-up shop or you need them SOONER THAN NEXT SATURDAY, you can order a set (or 10) from this super secret link.

BONUS third piece of very important information: I have two sets of these precious note cards set aside to GIVE AWAY to two of you. To win one of these sets, comment below with a short eulogy for one of the animal friends. It can be whatever you want it to be. The more you make me giggle, the higher the chances that I’ll send you a set of Sloppy the Squirrel, Sleepy the Chipmunk, Crunchy the ‘Possum, and Sunset the Armadillo. I’ll announce the winners in the comments section next Friday, November 18.