How Hamilton is Actually a Parenting Self-Help Guide.

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Haven’t you always assumed that life would be more fun if it were a musical?

Me neither.

I never did understand how people could sing their lives in perfect rhythm and rhyme in real time – not to mention in harmony with their fellow life-livers.

However. Hamilton has changed my mind.

Due to the constant barraging of praise for Hamilton from those around me, I decided to give the soundtrack a listen on Spotify during a run. It was the most delightful thing my running ears had ever experienced – an engrossing storyline set to music that is both brilliant AND will make you run faster.

Since that inaugural, life-changing, interest-in-history-inspiring run, I have had no other songs in my head. I skipped an entire week of my Spotify “Discover Weekly” playlist. I made Chris listen to Hamilton on his birthday (he’s now a fan), and I have experienced the best runs of the summer, all while living and dying with A dot Ham.

And as it has been my brain’s story-on-repeat, it has also made it into my parenting. And thus, I am finally living that musical I never wanted to, belting out lines full of passion at my children when opportune moments arise.

If you haven’t listened yet, I insist that you do so (but not with the kids in the car – who knew the founding fathers had foul mouths and sketchy girlfriends? A Beka didn’t teach us that.)  And, once you’ve listened, here is my compilation of the lines best sung to your offspring, along with some suggested opportunities for their use…

 

“Moooom! Why do I have to clean my room??”

Because you’re Half-dead sittin’ in your own sick, the scent thick…

“But I can’t!! It’s too messy! Can you help me??”

The ten-dollar founding father without a father
Got a lot farther by working a lot harder
By being a lot smarter
By being a self-starter!

“Hey Mommy can I have a snack I don’t like this shirt I need a new pillow will you buy me some candy but I don’t WANT to go to the store when are you making dinner?”

While we’re talking, let me offer you some free advice.
Talk less, Smile More.

“Hey Mommy I told Daddy about your secret chocolates…”

Fools who run their mouths off wind up dead…

“Moooooom! She hit me with her light saber!”

Chaos and bloodshed are NOT a solution!

“Give it to me right now!”
“No! It was mine first!!”
”Uh uh! I found it!!”

I am about to send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love!
Da da da dat da dat da da da da ya da!

When you see that kid toying with doing exactly what you just told them not to do…

You keep out of trouble and you double your choices!

When the children are ignoring you at record levels, just belt out at your highest volume…

The problem is I got a lot of brains but no polish
I gotta holler just to be heard
With every word, I drop knowledge!

Every night in bed with your spouse, talking about the children….

We are outgunned!
Outmanned!
Outnumbered, outplanned!

When you tell the kid to go do a chore and they try to distract you with a giant hug…

And no, don’t change the subject,
Cuz you’re my favorite subject,
My sweet, submissive subject!

When all the kids are asking for something different at once…

I cannot be everywhere at once, people –
I’m in dire need of assistance!

Texting the babysitter…

We are a powder keg about to explode
I need someone like you to lighten the load. So?

“But Mom!! She started it!”

Love doesn’t discriminate,
Between the sinners and the saints…

“But why am I getting punished, too?”

Death doesn’t discriminate,
Between the sinners and the saints…

When you catch the kid red-handed…

The challenge: demand satisfaction
If they apologize, no need for further action…

When the kid spills apple juice on your MacBook….

Pick a place to die where it’s high and dry!

When you get that text that the husband is on the way home…

No one has more resilience,
Or matches my practical tactical brilliance!

“But Mom! She tattled on me!!”

You have no control:
Who lives, who dies, who tells your story!

When they get their own apartment and then ask for money…

What comes next?
You’ve been freed
Do you know how hard it is to lead?
You’re on your own
Awesome. Wow!
Do you have a clue what happens now?
Oceans rise,
Empires fall,
It’s much harder when it’s all your call!

When you try to give them a kiss and they squeal and wipe it off…

You say our love is draining and you can’t go on
You’ll be the one complaining when I am gone…

You use this line every day. Obviously.

Ev’ry day you fight like it’s
Going out of style!

When the kids come home totally spoiled due to the The Grandparent Effect.

It must be nice, it must be nice to have
Gramamma on your side…
It must be nice, it must be nice to have
Gramamma on your side…

When the charming, adorable, endlessly endearing (to everyone but you) two-year-old has finally pitched the last fit you can handle…and it’s only 9:08 on a Monday morning…

Somebody gimme some dirt on this vacuous mass so we can at last unmask him!

When you hide under the covers in your bed so your kids can’t find you…

I’m erasing myself from the narrative!

When you find out the hard way that Daddy let the kids have loads of candy right before bed…

I didn’t say anything that wasn’t true –
Your father’s a scoundrel, and so, it seems, are you!

I have the honor to be your obedient servant,

R dot Call

The Highs and Lows of Camp.

In June, I planned my first ever Week Off Since Becoming a Mom. Or at least, five days straight of 9am-4pm Vacation.

Noah is finally old enough to go to our church’s fantabulous multiple award-winning summer day camp (where every week has a different theme and it’s complete kid wonderland and I’m a little jealous every morning when I drop them off), and therefore, I was going to have a week of bliss.  Or more likely, a week of work and catching up on all the life that a million Hey Mommys a day keep me from getting done. Still blissful.

But then I got sick halfway through the week. And I spent an entire day chasing down x-rays. And just like that, multiple days of my First Week Off were robbed from me.

But Noah had such a good week at camp. Like really – it had some sort of magical effect on him. He’s introverted and too shy/embarrassed to do ANYTHING in large groups. To the point that he adamantly refuses to participate in Sunday School in any way. March around the walls of Jericho? No thanks. Pretend to walk on water? Not gonna happen. And he’s so introvert-fried after church that he won’t speak to anyone.

Based on proportions, I assumed that camp would leave him unable to speak for hours – after all, his slightly-less introverted big sister had always needed recovery time after camp. There’s a lot of kids and a lot of activities.

But no.

Every day, Noah got in the car bouncing off the ceiling and telling me about all the glory of camp.

And then, on Thursday of that week, he won Camper of the Day – for being wise and participating.

AND THEN, on Friday of that week, he won Camper of the Week(!!) – for being wise and participating.

I was so stunned in this sudden U-Turn in my son’s personality that I began reassessing my school choices for him.

Would he do better in a classroom? Or would a classroom be like Sunday School? What sort of magical spells does camp use to turn my son into a bubbly, agreeable, participating model student? Could I hire his camp counselors to teach him to read? And algebra?

Because he did so fantastic and my First Week Off got snatched from me, I decided to give them another week of camp later in the summer. I was due to try again for my vacation – ahem, I mean – to let my children have another glorious week of camp.

On their first week, the theme had been Build Camp – specialized around Minecraft and Lego, something my children are amply knowledgeable about. Ali dressed up as Wyldstyle from The Lego Movie, borrowing all the components of my previous Wyldstyle costumes and blowing me out of the water at how much better she was at the Wyldstyle attitude than I.

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She won the costume contest, obviously.

Noah didn’t dress up that week because he didn’t want to go on stage. Participation has its limits, after all. But he was determined that he wanted to attempt this superior level of camp on the second week.

(And also we told him we wouldn’t buy him the costume he wanted unless he promised to go on stage. So there’s that.)

The second week we chose for them was Jedi Camp. They are not as knowledgeable about all things Star Wars – Chris had begun their Star Wars education earlier in the year, but hadn’t gotten very far yet. But he was determined to teach them everything they knew before camp began, so he combined the strategies of watching another movie and giving them cliff notes on everything they hadn’t gotten to yet.

“I had to tell them. I couldn’t let them go to Jedi camp not knowing that Anakin is Darth Vader.”

“Of course, honey.”

I didn’t care what he told them – I was just thrilled to retry an attempt at having my First Ever Whole Week Off Since Becoming a Mom.

I had caught up on a lot of work the last attempt, but this week filled up more with meetings and lunches and runs, but I had one Very Special Day planned. It would be Wednesday. It would be all day, requiring the use of an early and late camp pass for the kids.

I would be taking an epic adventure. It was to a stunning cave in North Alabama with unbelievable vistas that I was dying to photograph and explore. I recruited a couple of friends – Amanda the Frog Kisser and Not-Crazy Renee – even requiring that Renee get all day childcare. There would be no children getting lost in our caving adventures.

On Tuesday night, the kids were happily scrambling to make the last preparations to their costumes – Ali would be an unnamed but quite stylish Jedi, and Noah would become Darth Vader. I, meanwhile, was scrambling to complete my Epic Adventure Plan Details. They were hyper and giddy, I was happy and giddy.

We put them to bed early, as is the requirement to have enough energy during camp week. Everyone was fine. Everyone was happy.

Until 10pm, when Noah woke up crying. Chris and I looked at each other oddly. Our kids used to be wake-up-during-the-nighters, but it had been at least a year since that had happened. Chris hopped up the stairs and I listened as Noah’s wailing tale of woe drifted down the stairs.

“I had a bad dream about camp and Minecraft and Lincoln Logs!!!”

Chris calmed him and put him back to bed and came downstairs.

But then at 10:30, I heard the toilet flush. Which meant Noah hadn’t gone back to sleep.

This was when I began to suspect something else was afoot. Because Noah doesn’t sleep when he gets a fever. And I fretted.

I snuck into his room. And found that sneaking was not necessary as the kid was still wide awake. And emanating heat.

He rolled over and began talking maniacally. “I almost cried when I went to the bathroom because my neck hurt and it hurts to swallow. Hey Mommy, can you still think when you die?”

There’s not much more unsettling than your kid popping out with a death question when they’re running a 102 degree fever.

I gave Noah Tylenol, got him as comfortable as possible, and then texted my friends.

“I think Noah’s sick. I’m so so sorry. I will have to cancel our caving plans.”

Indeed. He woke up the next morning still feverish, and with every sign of strep throat. I broke the news to him as I was cuddling with him.

“Hey buddy. You’re sick. You’re not going to be able to go to camp today.”

His face crumpled into devastation. He began crying. Then he suddenly quit crying and said “I don’t think I feel like going anyway.”

We dropped Ali off at camp and then headed to the Pediatrician’s office.

“Well. It’s either Viral or Bacterial. I’m guessing viral.”

I really should have bet him money because I knew his guess was wrong. It was SO strep.

He left the room, came back, and said, ‘’Well how about that. It is strep!”

We received our shot and went home to spend the day binging cartoons.

Noah got off the couch after a couple of hours of quality Slugterra watching and asked to put on his Darth Vader costume and go outside for a minute.

And he just stood.

Depressed-Darth

And sat.

Depressed-Darth-on-Bike

And loped around in full-on Depressed Darthness.

It might’ve been the saddest thing I had ever seen.

Good mom that I am, I photographed and posted his sadness on Facebook. Because it was adorable sadness, after all.

And because of that, that Wizard of Camp himself, Camp Director Jonathan, saw the pictures. And when Noah and I went to pick up Ali, Noah 120% asleep in the backseat…

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Ali whispered to me, “Noah won.”

I whispered back. “Won what?”

“He won Best Costume on a Sick Kid. I have the medal for him.”

“That’s awesome!”

But she didn’t tell him when he woke up. She waited until we got home, where she found a gift bag and tissue paper and wrapped his medal for him into a glorious package. She brought it out on the porch for him to open.

And Depressed Darth was no more.

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Happy-Darth

He was healed right then. It might’ve been the giant shot in his leg earlier that day, but it was probably the medal.

Later that night, I told Chris, “I think we were tricked. Noah didn’t want to go up on stage, so he licked some kid with strep, then didn’t have to go on stage, still got his Darth costume, and WON. If he’d have actually gone to camp, he would’ve never won. Did you see the pictures? Did you see how many identical Darths there were? We’ve been PLAYED.”

Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t.

The world will never know.

And as for me, I will try again next summer for my First Whole Week Off Since Becoming a Mom.

The Story of Hosting Woes: A Cautionary Tale.

So two weeks ago was…stressful.

It wasn’t planned to be, insomuch as one ever plans a stressful week.

It all started at the end of June, when my blog / Picture Birmingham’s hosting company, HostGator, billed me for my annual renewal. I’d managed to talk them down last year to 40% of the list price, so it wasn’t so bad. But this year, it was back to the old rate.

Okay I better back up – actually this story starts in 2012.

Remember way back when … when I was known for my butt? Those blue jean posts went viral, and I was getting a crazy amount of hits on my blog, and it was crashing the regular ole’ server. In a blinding panic, I agreed to move my blog to a dedicated server, raising my hosting cost from $20 a month to $174 a month. It was fine, because I was getting so many hits that the increased ad revenue more than paid for that ridiculous bill. And after all, I was doing a butt service for the nation.

But after about three years of up-and-down viral traffic, mainly from that series of posts, people have realized that my information is outdated and have quit coming.

Or maybe everyone is tired of looking at my butt.

Whatev.

(For the record, I hope to do an updated denim post nearer to the fall, but we’ll see if I actually make it happen. They’re a lot of work. And I’ll need to find some volunteer butts.)

Anyway. So I don’t need that giant server anymore. I’m just a normal old blog, and the community of blogging is dying anyway, so I certainly didn’t need that powerhouse of a machine. And I certainly certainly didn’t want to pay my annual bill of over $2,000 to keep it going.

So I did what any normal person would do. I called my hosting company. I explained my situation. They agreed I didn’t need that much power. I asked them what solution would *best* fit my needs. After all, they have more data about me than I do, and they know more things about RAM and processing speed than I ever will – who better to tell me what I need? I figured they’d err on the side of too big, but hey – anything less than $174 a month would surely be a win, right?

Well. I talked to some delightful young man who recommended to me the “Snappy 1000” plan. For only $20 a month, this plan could CERTAINLY handle my website load!

Are you sure, young man?

Of course, ma’am! For sure. This site will take care of all your needs. Without a doubt.

So I agreed.

Sell me this Snappy 1000, young man.

I purchased the new VPS plan and requested that my hosting company move my crap from dedicated to VPS, then after ensuring* everything transferred and was working correctly, I asked them to kill my dedicated server and please refund me my $2,000.

* I did not ensure this very well. This was my mistake.

The very next morning, my blog began crashing.

People began getting an ugly errors the minute they tried to access either of my sites, and if a site did come up, it was soooooo sssssslllllloooooowwwwww.

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Nooooooo.

Pain.

Suffering.

Gnashing of teeth.

But I’ve been here before. Server problems can usually be rectified fairly quickly, especially if I offer to pay more.

I contacted my hosts.

Help! I need my sites to work! They’re not!

Hm. We can’t replicate the errors. They seem fine to us.

No seriously! Please! Let me pay you more! Just make my sites work!

Well. Hm. We will need to escalate this to another technician.

Two days went by. My sites were still crashing. HostGator didn’t seem to want to fix it or take my money.

So I finally picked up my phone and put it against my ear, willing myself to use that awful green call button.

Hold

Hi. How can I help you?

I tell my whole story.

Tech #1: Hm. I don’t see anything wrong. Let me transfer you to the escalation department.

Hold

I tell my whole story.

Tech #2: Oh yes. I see how your sites are running terribly slow. We need to fix this for you. Let me escalate you to level 3.

Wait for Tech #2 to write a Tolstoy volume of notes, then Hold.

I tell my whole story.

Tech #3: Hm. I don’t see anything at all wrong with your sites. They seem fast enough to me.

Well they’re not. Tech #2 agreed with me. Please help. I’ll pay more. I’ll do whatever. Just get my sites working.

Okay. Let me put you on hold and see what I can do.

Hold

Hold

Hold

….At the point at which I was one hour and fifty-two minutes into this phone call (I know. Soul-Crushing.) and still on hold, Tech #3 just flat-out hung up on me.

Or, rather, sent me into the pre-hangup customer survey.

I gave a long explanation on the customer survey about how I’d just flushed one hour and fifty-two minutes of my precious life down the HostGator drain just to get hung up on.

I complained to Twitter.

I opened a ticket.

I did everything I could short of making another phone call.

It was also around this time that I realized two of my posts, a whole bunch of comments, and some pictures had gotten lost in the transfer.

I’ll let you imagine how helpful Hostgator was in getting back my data.

Finally, On Day #5, at least I got a response from an honest tech. A response that made me want to cut my fingernails out with a dull butterknife.

VPS’s are typically used for developing and not hosting full-fledged websites. Downgrading from a Dedicated Server to a VPS is going to be a considerable difference, and I apologize that this was not explained to you.

<whimper> <squeal>

So yeah.

Whoever that delightful young man was in the beginning that sold me a Snappy 1000 and promised it was exactly what I needed – he is out of my Last Will and Testament.

During that week, I had a Picture Birmingham client who was trying to buy digital photos for a client of theirs. Each time he tried to access my site and it failed, he told me, “I can help you with this. It’s what I do.”

And each time I was all like,

“I have it under control. I am working through it with my host now.”

By Saturday, I took him up on his offer.

“Please. Fix me. Get me off of HostGator. It’s what you do.”

And he did. Beautifully, cleanly, and with an extremely unexpectedly nonexistent amount of pain. And now, to my knowledge, my sites are……working. Pretty perfectly. And I have the added benefit of a local company to take care of me and keep me from future woes. (Adopt-A-Press, if you need a guy.)

But despite a week of pain and Hostgator’s best efforts to make me say “Goodbye, cruel internet”, I didn’t give up. I came close, but I didn’t leave the web forever.

Only because of my love for you.