Babysitters are Bad Salesmen.

Marketing is supposedly essential for almost any business. Good marketing doesn’t just inform people about your stuff, or invite people to use your stuff, but it awakens the desires inside people for your stuff.

M&Ms melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Disneyland is the happiest place on earth.

You’re not yourself when you’re hungry for a Snickers.

I have realized that there is a vast market of untapped wealth in the world just waiting for the right marketing campaign.

Babysitters.

Parents of small children absolutely adore being alone at a restaurant without asking their spouse to not stand on the chair and not take bites that are too big and not have to take them to the restroom and wipe their rump during the middle of dessert.

And yet, all babysitting is consumer driven.

Who is available?

When are they available?

How early can they come?

How late can they stay?

Texts, tweets, calls to confirm.

It’s a lot of planning ahead, so I theorize that it happens less often because at least one parent has to be free enough or driven enough to plan to make it happen.

But what if babysitters were aggressive marketers?

What if you were sobbing into a pile of laundry and received a text from a trusted, responsible, young lady that your kids adored….

How to Market Babysitting

What if you were fixing your ravenous son his fifth lunch when you sighed and popped open Twitter and saw a DM…

Babysitting Marketing

Or what if you just needed a FEW MINUTES TO YOURSELF WITHOUT HAVING TO ANSWER THE SAME QUESTIONS TWENTY TIMES OVER and happened to get this…

Market Babysitting

What if your overflowing fire hose of email routinely included coupons for package deals of opportunity for peace and quiet?

What if your babysitters realized that you’re good friends with another babysitting client, and offered to let you have a double date, and they’d keep both sets of kids for the bargain of time-and-a-half?

Pro Tip To Babysitters: Kids are easier when they have friends. And you just got time-and-a-half for an easier job.

What if your babysitters saw your Facebook status that said “My son just catapulted a full and open box of Cheerios across the living room after drawing on the walls with Sharpies and the baby won’t nap HELP ME NOW” and texted you, offering to help you right now?

Right???

It could be even better.

Really aggressive babysitters could create branding and slogans, blanketing your parenting life with a constant pulse of hope and excitement.

Laura. Between love and madness lies parenting.

Jordan. The best a kid can get.

Shelby. Live in your world. Play in mine.

Mandy. Save Money. Live Better. Just do it.

Jennifer. The greatest tragedy is marital indifference.

Ainsley. You’re in good hands with Ainsley.

Hayley. When you care enough to love the very best.

And you know that kids memorize a marketing slogan quicker than they can destroy a room. So you’d be hearing,

“Mommy? Can we have Hayley over? She loves us THE VERY BEST. And I know you care enough to give us that.”

Dependable young women of the world, open your eyes and see the easy fortunes that are yours for the taking, from decent and kind people who used to be you, and who miss being you at times in spite of the meaningful love they share with their beloved children. We are such easy marks.

So, babysitters. Why not try a little of that marketing I know you’re learning about in college? Think outside the Instagram standard box.

Get a Square Reader. Take credit cards.

Send spam email.

Be big brother. Maybe creepy Facebook can market to a physical location, but you can super creepy market to the real-time fragile emotional states of every young mother you know.

Get rich!

Your Worst Nightmares…Stuffed.

I don’t understand why I just found out about this – it should have been breaking news. My friend should have known. I should have been told immediately.

But alas, I wasn’t told until weeks later.

But at least I was told.

A friend of ours gave another friend of ours a very special Christmas gift.

A stuffed louse.

gmus-pd-0460_louse_cluster

That’s right, people. A cuddly, lovable, adorable member of the head lice family. Because apparently this friend believes in immersion therapy to treat one’s fears.

Within seconds of laying eyes upon the creature, I was on the website, mouth agape, in awe of the brilliance of people who could create 150 disgusting…yet adorable plush creatures. And as a bonus, scientifically accurate!

GIANTmicrobes® are stuffed animals that look like tiny microbes — only a million times actual size!

The core microbial body types (circles, rods, spirals, chains, etc.) are always maintained. But in addition, morphological attributes of real microbes (such as the natural bumps of the rhinovirus, or the strands of flagella on the Salmonella bacterium) are used to create such anthropological features as noses and hair. So while the designs are always intended to be endearing, they are always firmly rooted in science.

I mean really. Who hasn’t always wanted a stuffed Brain-Eating Amoeba?

gmus-pd-0098_bea_cluster

And I’m pretty sure you can get put on a Terrorist Watch List for sending one of these in the mail…

gmus-pd-0015_anthrax_cluster

They also have “Oops – I’m So Sorry” presents…

gmus-pd-0130_chlamydia_cluster

gmus-pd-0150_clap_cluster

Their breast cancer cell is pretty awesome, because it can be cured by being turned inside out.

 

gmus-pd-0104_breastcancer_cluster

And I might have to buy myself an immunoglobulin. Because I need more of them desperately.

gmus-pd-0016_antibody_cluster

 

And I feel like this little guy would make a fantastic Vasectomy Present.

gmus-pd-0710_spermcell_cluster

 

But if you’re looking for a Valentine’s Gift, they have that, too.

You can either give your special someone a precious collection of Herpes, Pox, HPV, Chlamydia and Penicillin,

heart-burned

 

Or if you’re feeling slightly nicer, a Sperm Cell, Egg Cell, Kissing Disease, and Penicillin.

heart-warming

 

They have so many more furry friends, including Athlete’s foot, Bad breath, Botulism, a Diabetes Beta Cell, Diarrhea, E. Coli (which interestingly looks nothing like Diarrhea), Ebola, Fat Cells, Gangrene, a Pimple, Typhoid Fever, and even…Yogurt? Yes. Yogurt.

And if you need them even bigger, they have them in pillow-sized friends.

I mean, why not rest your head on a giant maggot?? And surely if you sleep on a louse, you can’t possibly have head lice – that’d just be too ironic.

I’m personally kind of in love with this site. So if you need a gift for me, you know where to look.

Disclaimer: I was not requested to share these products, nor does the company know I’m doing so. But they’re welcome to send me a pillow-sized staph infection, if they’re so inclined.

A Weekend Concert.

The Christmas Pickle

Noah has been sleeping with a cucumber tucked tightly by his side since I brought Larry home to him this summer.

As such, Larry has become a part of our family, weaving into our bedtime stories, mealtimes, desperate pre-bed searches, and…song lyrics.

Chris composed this Silly Song over Christmas and performed it nightly, and the children are still singing it nearly every day.

So since it’s my continuous earworm, I felt like it should be yours, as well.

For your enjoyment, The Christmas Pickle.