“I don’t want to be special.
I want to be cool.
God made me just cool.
Race cars are cool.’”
~ Noah The Great, Millennial Philosopher
Hi! Noah here.
So I heard you want to be cool.
Okay fine I didn’t hear that. But you’re reading a blog post called “How To Be Cool” so it’s clearly a valid assumption.
Anyway. You’ve come to the right place. Because God made me cool. And I can tell YOU how to be cool, too.
1. You must be confident. No matter what might hinder your coolness factor at any moment, fake it until you wet wipe it.
2. Always accessorize. If you don’t have the jewels to show you’re cool, then just stay in your crib.
3. Don’t let anyone make fun of you. EVER. Even in a parody-blog-post type of way.
If you sense this could be happening to you, make sure that you exact a proper revenge, like throwing away all their forks or sitting in their lap right after you’ve wet your pants.
4. If someone tells you to “Say Cheese,” they literally want you to say the word cheese. Because the word cheese is coolness wrapped up in six letters.
5. Dream big.
Dream of a time when you can eat all the dessert you want, never bathe with your sister, and have powers to humiliate your parents as much as they humiliate you every time they ask in a public place if you need to go potty.
Because remember, friends: there’s a good chance that they’ll be back in diapers one day. And you can make sure the world knows it – because Depends are only as subtle as the caretaker allows them to be.
6. Be charming. Because the charming ones are never the first suspects.
7. Don’t bite the hand that buckles your car seat.
…until it unbuckles you.
8. If you want to be cool, act like you’re the boss at all times. Eventually everyone will get tired of reminding you to say please, and you’ll have effectively won the title of Universal Emperor.
9. Always check your appearance before you leave the house. Whether it’s in the mirror, with a selfie, or by asking a trusted companion, make sure you don’t have a piece of chicken finger between your teeth or a speck of dirt on your nose.
What’d you say? I have something on my face?
That’s okay. It’s all cool.