Carnivorous Creations

Chris has consistently sent me gorgeous flowers throughout our relationship. I have always greatly appreciated this, but have always been burdened with a good bit of guilt at each occurrence of said delivery, because there’s nothing comparably reciprocal to send to a guy.

Guys don’t want flowers.

Guys don’t want balloons.

Guys don’t want candy.

Guys don’t even want the newest in the delivered sweetness choices, fruit.EdibleArrangement

It’s just not how they’re wired.

Something needs to be done about this gross oversight in our American Culture. What are you supposed to send a man to show him that you love him? So, I decided to hone in one what really lights a guy’s fire and see if I could turn it into a deliverable.


MEAT.

Yes, that’s right. A MEAT arrangement. What guy wouldn’t want to answer the door, only to find a Bouquet of Animal Flesh waiting for him?

Just imagine the advertising….

You love your man.

You really love your man. How do you express it?

Why not a Vase O’ Meat? Or the sizey Pot O’ Meat?

Or even our extra large Garden O’ Meat! The Garden O’ Meat, a veritable fantasy manland where fresh flesh flowers grow from a salty sausage soil… Mmmmmm!!

So, um, anyway…

I started with a nice, manly “vase” and some florist’s foam:

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

And then prepared my ingredients:

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

I enlisted a Princess Oversight Service (who also sampled all of the product to ensure top notch quality): Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

And my own carnivorous husband’s help in creating this truly masculine masterpiece:Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

We set off to work. Our work areas were a man’s dream buffet:

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Granted, some of my our attempts at turning meat into floral masterpieces didn’t work so well:

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

But the end result would make any man, anywhere drool (and any woman, anywhere, gag):

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Included in this bouquet are:

  • deli meat carnations,
  • pepperoni azaleas,
  • bologna/pepperoni lotuses,
  • cocktail wienie daisies,
  • mini pepperoni poppies,
  • bacon irises, and
  • multi-meated roses.

All finished off with the best thing that compliments meat – cheese – of course.

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Premium upgrades included dirt made of sausage, and a lovely bacon/cheese/cocktail wienie arbor in the back of the arrangement:

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

If men planned weddings, they would get MARRIED under an arbor of those ingredients.

And hold bouquets of meat flowers.

Look at the sheen on the pepperoni!

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

The bacon, practically still sizzling on the stem:

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Yes, this arrangement is a Protein Packer’s Pinnacle of Perfection.

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

In fact, I guarantee that this arrangement would send ANY red-blooded man into the six stages of complete ecstasy (you will recognize the first five as eerily similar to a girl’s response to a REAL bouquet):

Stage One: Shock. “You shouldn’t have!!”

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Stage Two: Thrill. “I’ve NEVER seen anything so breathtaking in all my life!!”

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Stage Three: Puppy Love. For you, not the meat. Okay, maybe for the meat, too.

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Stage Four: Beholding the Glory.

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Stage Five: Smelling the Roses.

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Stage Six: Complete Ravenous Chow Down.

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

That’s right,

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Oh, and in case you were worried about our wastefulness in this grand experiment, the arrangement went on to live a happy second life that only increased it’s masculine glory:Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

Carnivorous Creations - Meat Bouquet

PETA, eat your heart out.

Or don’t. That wouldn’t be very Vegan of you.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. 1
    Leanna says:

    Thanks for the morning laugh! That was a great story. I actually think you could sell those. That pizza looked heavenly.

  2. 2
    Carol says:

    Rachel,

    Where do you get these ideas from? You must lay awake at night just thinking. In any case, you nailed it! I love all that went into that and all the effort just to say… I LOVE YOU to Chris. Awww. And to give us all a good laugh.

    Chris is a lucky man.

    Blessings to you,
    Carol

    P.S. I can't believe you didn't know we were the same age! lol

  3. 3
    Jennifer says:

    That is hilarious! I love the way your brain thinks! :)

  4. 4
    Amy says:

    that is too stinking hilarious. so so funny.

  5. 5
    Lianne says:

    Wow. Umm. Wow.

    This reads like the script of "Steel Magnolias 2," you know, the one they never made? I think some meat flowers would go well with a butt slice of Armadillo Cake.

    Wow.

    Well, the pizzas looked good. The sausages…not so much.

  6. 6
    Jaci Spain says:

    That is hilarious! What a great idea…

  7. 7
    CanCan (Mom Most Traveled) says:

    I think I can smell it from here…

  8. 8
    Ann Marie says:

    OH. My. Word.
    Scott would love it…or you could always just call Mr. p's and have a large box of meat delivered!
    That is hilarious!!

  9. 9
    ironstef says:

    flowers made of meat are flowers made of AWESOME. My friends actually had meat flowers at their wedding. no joke: http://chairmanstef.blogspot.com/2007/10/meat-flowers.html

  10. 10
    KetzerMusic says:

    WOW…I am kind of speechless.

  11. 11
    Alice says:

    You are CRACKING me up girl! I'm laughing out loud!!! How funny are you!?!

  12. 12
    Joy says:

    OMG! That's AWESOME!! You should go into business!!

  13. 13
    Kate Bagley says:

    This is hilarious! What a genius idea! My hat is off to you and your creativity!

  14. 14
    Beachbumaw says:

    HILARIOUS!!! And quite creative!!!

  15. 15
    Rachel says:

    Jason and Joe would literally die of happiness at this! I may have to order one for Valentine's day for them. As for me, you can start working on a raw veggie bouquet and I'll be the control group for it. Yum!

  16. 16
    Angela says:

    You are so funny and creative! I picked this post as an Editor's Pick on kirtsy. Meat on!

  17. 17
    Tyson, Rachel and Kariya says:

    My goodness! Where do you come up with this stuff! While a lot of blogs are funny, amusing, and smile inspiring, I can honestly say yours is the only laugh-out-loud one I have ever found! You are TOO funny!

  18. 18
    blueviolet says:

    That was the most fun I've had all day! omg, that was funny!

  19. 19
    amhayes says:

    haha! Although that's a bit disturbing! :)

  20. 20
    Anonymous says:

    I think this is right up there with the incredible edibles. I love the name. Now you have found something else to do in your SPARE TIME! Very entertaining blog.

  21. 21
    Keely says:

    I have but one thing to say: Bwahhahhahhahhahh!

  22. 22
    Keely says:

    Er, that was "Bwahhahhahhahh" in an "omg that's awesome" kind of way, of course. In case that was unclear.

  23. 23
    Gina says:

    That was great. Now I want a pizza

  24. 24
    Lolly says:

    It looked awesome and totally gross all at once! LOVE IT!

  25. 25
    Kitty Engle says:

    I thin you need to parent that very quick. It has to be the million dollar idea. Any man would love it, just add cracker and let them have at it.

  26. 26
    Trina says:

    lol I saw your tweets about this and you mentioned it at lunch today. Just now getting to read. HILARIOUS! You totally crack me up. I love that you and your hubby like to have fun. My hubby would have told me I was crazy lol

  27. 27
    Kristin says:

    ROFL that is so creative!

  28. 28
    Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting says:

    LMAO! You are made of awesome!

  29. 29
    Christen says:

    How creative! Love the slogan…"flowers aren't just for pansies anymore".
    The whole time I was looking at the meat creation, I thought the round cheese blocks were marshmallows…very odd combination-meat flowers with marshmallows :)

  30. 30
    Dallas Designing-Diva says:

    That was fabulous. Carnivores world wide are rejoicing!

  31. 31
    PurestGreen says:

    Utterly hilarious. Obviously a lot of work, but it has entertained us – thanks.

  32. 32
    Michelle says:

    Oh, how creative! How time-consuming! How outright FUNNY! I love it, but I so could not do anything like that for my husband right now. He is on a low cholesterol diet. If I could figure out a way to do that with all venison, chicken, and fish, I would, though–you're so inspiring! :)

  33. 33
    Zedral Z says:

    I seriously think you could market meat bouquets. The profits from Super Bowl Sunday alone would have you sitting pretty most of the year! *L* Great post! :)

  34. 34
    Beth @ UnskinnyBoppy says:

    Oh man I'm rolling over here. This is ingenious. I once blogged about making a wedding cake from biscuits with gravy for icing and bacon roses, but you ACTUALLY DID IT!!! LOL

    I love it.

  35. 35
    Rachel says:

    (Holding my sides) Oh how I wish I'D thought of that! Oh my goodness, I'm laughing so hard . . . :)

  36. 36
    Flipfloppingmamma says:

    That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen but I'm loving it and forwarding it to everyone. LOL!! That's great!!

  37. 37
    abby says:

    first time to your blog, got a link to the mom butt escapades from a friend….let me just say i've been having an AWFUL mommy day, and this post just made me literally fall over in bed laughing — thank you.

  38. 38
    Bliss says:

    That is the craziest thing I’ve ever seen, but I like it. Rather brilliant actually. If I attempt to make one for the men (because my son’s would be jealous if only dad received it) in my life for father’s day, I’ll let you know.

    ~Bliss~

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