I sorted through all of my maternity clothes a while ago. It brought back fond memories, I-can’t-believe-I-was-that-huge memories, and I-don’t-know-if-I-can-stomach-to-wear-that-one-more-time memories.
And then I got to my jeans.
Holy Maternity Cow.
The Mom Jeans Factor of the jeans I wore for my entire pregnancy with Ali was OFF THE CHARTS.
I wore those?!?
I had MATERNITY LONG BUTT???
My number one goal in life immediately became the finding and obtaining of Non-Mom-Maternity-Jeans…
(After burning said Momternity Jeans, of course.)
…which, finding Non-Mom-Maternity-Jeans is a bit of an oxymoron, seeing as how Jeans can’t get much more “Mommish” than jeans made to house Mom AND baby. But I was determined.
I set out immediately in search. But the road was long, and fraught with failures.
For one, I didn’t have a bump yet. And if there was one thing I learned when I was pregnant with Ali, it was The Maternity Truth: you won’t wear anything that you buy pre-bump, because it will certainly look horrid on your bumped body.
But my drive to find Non-Mom jeans was strong, probably as a vain attempt to somehow right the denim wrongs I committed in the past, so I kept at it.
My second obstacle was that apparently, all types of Maternity waistbands have been discontinued except for the apparent Holy Grail of Waistbands, the Secret Fit Belly, or what should be titled, The Waistband That Could Double as a Bra AND Scarf:
And, although apparently everyone can appreciate such but me, I have two major problems with the Secret Fit:
1. I don’t want my waistband covering my Boobs. Comfort it is NOT.
2. There is no actual waistband, so there’s nothing to hold up these “Secret Fit” jeans (maybe that’s the secret), coupled with the fact that a pregnant belly works like the force of a bowling ball pushing the pants down even further, which creates a “Pants On The Ground” moment every time I walk down stairs, bend over, or just take a medium-to-large-stride.
And personally, I don’t like it when I hear people humming “Pants on the Ground” every time me and my belly walk by.
I WANTED a waistband like these:
But couldn’t find any.
Or, shall I say, couldn’t find any that didn’t have a Mom Jeans Factor of under 50%.
So, I settled.
I finally found two pairs of decisively non-Mom-Jeans, unfortunately with their
Stinkin’ Secret Fit, but the salesladies assured me that when I had, in fact, a bowling ball, said bowling ball would work to my FAVOR and help the pants stay up, not push them down.
Until then, I’ll be wearing my normal jeans, with the help of rubber-bands-around-the-button.
Which means when I actually DO get to the point of needing my maternity jeans, they’ll probably look horrid. Because of The Maternity Truth and all.
But one thing I was proud of myself for: in all my desperate searches, I avoided the temptation to buy designer maternity jeans.
You see, despite my recurring bad luck with them, I have become a bit of a Designer Jeans Addict – but only because I can often find them for 80% off on clearance at Belk. But the comfort AND flatterability level of designer jeans (such as Seven for All Mankind and Citizens of Humanity) is just SO high that I actually considered getting maternity ones, despite the fact that they cannot EVER be found at 80% off.
I was browsing through them wistfully when I stumbled onto this nightmare of a pair, provided by Citizens of Humanity for the Oh-The-Humanity price of $210.00:
Seriously – as IF us pregnant ladies need ANY help looking like we’re fitting a fifty pound sack of potatoes in a ten pound sack.
And it was at that moment I realized: I could absolutely not support such atrocities against Pregnantkind, even if it meant Momternity Jeans for the rest of my life.
(Thank goodness it doesn’t, because I don’t think I really mean that.)