Pleading Insanity Due To Internal Parasite.

Pregnancy is a voluntary state of insanity.

It makes you do things, think things, and eat things that you would have never DREAMED of doing, thinking, or eating before nor (ohISoHope) after.

Ali and I went to lunch with Ashley, AJ, and Tessa last week. After lunch, we walked down the street to a local bakery. We got each of the girls a cookie, then sat at a table to let them eat their treat.

I’m not usually a cookie kinda girl. Especially the type they were having – completely iced sugar cookies, airbrushed and shaped into butterflies. WAY too sweet. Definitely not my thing.

But they just looked So. Darn. Good.

Luckily for me, I have a generous kid.

“Can I have a bite?”

“Sure!”

Mmmm…they taste even better than they look.

AT THIS POINT, a sane person would have simply walked up to the counter and bought a $1.50 cookie of their own. I mean, how hard is that?

But for some reason, I didn’t. A decision I shall rue for quite some time.

I just sat there and lusted after their cookies.

Ashley’s parents were walking by, and so they stopped in and were visiting with us.

I couldn’t very well ask Ali for ANOTHER bite and look like a total PreggoPig. It would just be uncouth.

While all of us were talking and I was thoroughly distracted, Noah took the opportunity to, yet again, completely hijack my mind AND body.

I noticed a big crumb on the table – must’ve fallen off my cookie bite. And without hesitation or thinking about it, I reached down, picked it up, and popped that crumb into my mouth.

From the table.

And, as I ate said crumb, I all of a sudden realized: That was not a crumb off of Ali’s cookie. That was a crumb off of a Petit Four.

We didn’t have any Petit Fours.

Which meant it belonged to the previous user of the table. Or maybe the one before that.

OHMYGOODNESSWHATHAVEIDONE?!?!?!

Then, my mind went into manic overdrive…

Seriously?? Did I just pick up a large crumb off the TABLE of a PUBLIC ESTABLISHMENT and eat it???

Did Ashley see it?

Did her parents see it?!?!?!?

Did that crumb come off of the person’s Petit Four before or after it touched their mouth??

Did I just swallow a horrible disease?? At least we’re in a snobby part of town. “Ladies Who Do Lunch in Fancy Dresses” eat here. Surely they’re not disease-ridden.

But then again, what if the Ladies Who Do Lunch in Fancy Dresses are the Desperate Housewifey type…ew!!

Maybe if I drink a lot of my coke really quickly, it will wash the germs straight through me.

Nope. I still feel gross.

I really want a cookie. Those cookies were much better than that Petit Four crumb.

Funny…I usually like Petit Fours.

It was probably stale.

WHAT AM I THINKING?!?!?!?

I really want a cookie.

******

But no, I still did not go buy a cookie. Mainly to punish Noah for his ridiculously disgusting behavior.

….I just REALLY hope that he doesn’t develop a taste for Placenta.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. 1
    Gina says:

    Okay, straight up, you have GOT to stop with the placenta eating talk. It. Must. End.

  2. 2
    Erica says:

    So funny. Try not to think about the crumb.

  3. 3
    Kitty Engle says:

    All I can say is EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do we need to get you a sitter?

  4. 4
    Faith says:

    oh agghkk…you are hilarious, but that gives me the willies…..kinda like the feeling you get when you sit down in a chair in a public establishment and grab your seat to slide closer to the table and realize you just touched ABC gum that someone stuck to the bottom of the chair. But at least you can thoroughly sanitize your hand…kinda hard to sanitize your stomach. ICK.

  5. 5
    This Is The Day says:

    Oh Rachel you crack me up! That is so disgustingly funny. Hilarious. Next time buy Noah his own cookie so you don't have to ingest stranger-germs. Lol.

  6. 6
    Cheri says:

    Hysterical post… I think I'll go and buy you some cookies of your very own so you don't have to lower your dignity and pick crumbs from the table.

  7. 7
    Marty says:

    too funny! and I most definitely concur with the 'insanity resulting of parasite' syndrome being to blame for all the craziness. and need of cookies.

  8. 8
    Skwishee says:

    Lol – you can totally blame Noah. With my last pregnancy, I didn't even notice I was eating weird things until I was having lunch one day with my mum and sister and noticed them watching me. What? We'd gotten out a bunch of random sandwich-y stuff and made our own sandwiches. Mine was liverwurst, red pepper, strawberries, black olives and pickles. With mustard. Maybe not as gross as random stranger crumbs, but still.

  9. 9
    Jill says:

    Oh Rachel – just so gross. I'm sure the diet coke got it. I think you're good.

  10. 10
    alicia says:

    oh ick! I am pretty sure I'd have gotten a cookie just to wash away the thought of the crumb. It's always better to end lunch on a good note.

  11. 11
    Stephanie says:

    I'm sure there was no disease on it.

    My first thought would be to wonder if it fell off after the person bit into it and if that person was one of those really old people that always has food and spit stuck in the corners of their mouth. Then I would feel sick…

  12. 12
    Green Door Girl says:

    Ok, my original comment didn't post :( I said I was crying with laughter over this post and wondered if I could still win the fabulous prize with an Auburn version – LOL :)

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