I have been known to break my nose whilst blogging.
I have also been known to visit the emergency room at wee hours due to sleepwalking injuries.
I like sticking to a theme.
Which is why, I suppose, I took this weekend as an opportunity to break my nose, while sleepwalking, while at a blogging conference.
Friday night. It had been a full day of BlogHer, and I was excited for a night of deep sleep in preparation for my San Diego Date Saturday with Chris.
We settled down for bed, and I fell asleep before Chris made it back from brushing his teeth.
It was glorious experience to inhale the deep aroma of sleep.
Until about 1 AM.
At which time I dreamed that Noah was running toward a balcony edge to the left of the bed.
Naturally, I jumped up and sprinted toward him, doing my Mommy job of saving him from all danger…
Which is when I discovered how close the wall was to my side of the bed.
I crushed my nose and my left knee into the wall.
…which woke me up enough to remember that Noah couldn’t walk yet, certainly couldn’t run, and also happened to be 2,000 miles away.
Chris didn’t move, being quite used to wives that go bump in the night.
I crawled back into bed and fell asleep, albeit a bit damaged.
Then came 2 AM.
I dreamed some combination of Ali running toward a cliff and being on an intense search for The Deathly Hallows.
Naturally, I jumped out of bed and sprinted toward her.
Which is when I was reminded how close the wall was to my side of the bed.
I also discovered that I run much faster at 2 AM than I do at 1 AM.
The pain in my nose (and my knee) created tears – the kind that naturally spring forth from sheer agony, not from crying. I sat down on the corner of the bed and let out my first whimper, considering the weighty reality that I had just managed to run into the same wall twice in one night.
This did not bode well for my 2AM to 8AM sleep shift.
I whimpered again.
I felt my nose. I heard a crunchy sound. I was reminded of my favorite childhood cereal.
It was clear that my nose couldn’t withstand that side of the bed anymore.
I nudged Chris.
“I can’t sleep on this side of the bed anymore. I’ve sleptrun into the wall two times, and I broke my nose the second time.”
“Oh. Okay. I’ll swap sides with you.”
He rolled over to my side and resumed snoring peacefully, in no danger of breaking his nose against the clearly hazardous wall.
I moved to Chris’ side of the bed. Obviously, I couldn’t sleep. My nose was throbbing, I was possibly in shock (okay probably not), and, most disturbing, I was on the wrong side of the bed.
And so my mind began spinning…
2:05 AM: I always thought feng shui was feng crap. This is not true. The design of my sleeping environment is so important that it very well may keep me from accidentally offing myself one day.
a. I need a runway next to my bed. No walls can be within five feet, and blinking lights need to be added to all surrounding surfaces.
b. No sharp edges on any bedroom furniture can be tolerated.
c. You know what would be perfect? A padded cell.
2:12 AM: It helps to already know that little can be done for broken noses. You’re not going to get me with your out of state 50% insurance coverage, Blue Cross Blood Suckers!
2:16 AM: It is nice to be rooming with one’s husband. If this had happened my first year at BlogHer and I’d had to ask my I-Just-Met-Her roommate if she would kindly mind swapping sides of the bed with me to prevent the crushing of my nose for the third time in one night, it might have been slightly embarrassing, aside from taking a bit longer to explain.
2:18 AM: Could I petition for a new Americans With Disabilities Act ordinance that prohibits hotel walls from being within five feet of beds? Because I singlehandedly prove that sleepwalking is a disability.
2:22 AM: I am so proud to know that my husband no longer doubts my credibility when I tell him that I’ve severely injured myself in my sleep. Last time, I had to show him the blood streaming down my arm before he quit telling me to get back in bed and go to sleep. This time, I received his complete and immediate acceptance.
2:36 AM: Maybe too much acceptance. He sure is sleeping peacefully over there.
2:39 AM: One should never play with their broken nose while laying in bed and pondering their situation. The sound of tiny particles cracking and grinding is not healthy for one’s nose, one’s pain level, or one’s mental stability.
2:48 AM: My last sleepwalking injury was saving Ali from certain falling, as well. Obviously, I have issues with small children running in high places. Noah, don’t do it. I’m likely to plummet to my death in the attempt to protect you, and that’s a weighty guilt for you to carry for the rest of your life.
2:51 AM: Although a broken nose is quite painful at 2:51 AM, also achy are my neck and shoulders, now most certainly needing an adjustment. Apparently, hitting the wall at high speeds with one’s nose is not good for alignment.
2:52 AM: The knee rash from multiple contacts with the wall is also bothersome. Which is pretty petty at this point.
3:01 AM: I can’t sleep on the wrong side of the bed. Which is worse – not sleeping for the rest of the night, or risking a third injury?
3:09 AM: Not sleeping.
And so I tapped Chris again.
“I can’t sleep on your side of the bed. I need you to swap back with me.”
He rolled back over and continued sleeping hazardlessly. He has no idea how good he’s got it.