My Break From BlogHer.

I have been known to break my nose whilst blogging.

I have also been known to visit the emergency room at wee hours due to sleepwalking injuries.

I like sticking to a theme.

Which is why, I suppose, I took this weekend as an opportunity to break my nose, while sleepwalking, while at a blogging conference.

Friday night.  It had been a full day of BlogHer, and I was excited for a night of deep sleep in preparation for my San Diego Date Saturday with Chris.

We settled down for bed, and I fell asleep before Chris made it back from brushing his teeth.

It was glorious experience to inhale the deep aroma of sleep.

Until about 1 AM.

At which time I dreamed that Noah was running toward a balcony edge to the left of the bed.

Naturally, I jumped up and sprinted toward him, doing my Mommy job of saving him from all danger…

Which is when I discovered how close the wall was to my side of the bed.

IMG_2230

THWAP.

I crushed my nose and my left knee into the wall.

…which woke me up enough to remember that Noah couldn’t walk yet, certainly couldn’t run, and also happened to be 2,000 miles away.

Chris didn’t move, being quite used to wives that go bump in the night.

I crawled back into bed and fell asleep, albeit a bit damaged.

Then came 2 AM.

I dreamed some combination of Ali running toward a cliff and being on an intense search for The Deathly Hallows.

Naturally, I jumped out of bed and sprinted toward her.

Which is when I was reminded how close the wall was to my side of the bed.

THWAP.

I also discovered that I run much faster at 2 AM than I do at 1 AM.

The pain in my nose (and my knee) created tears – the kind that naturally spring forth from sheer agony, not from crying.  I sat down on the corner of the bed and let out my first whimper, considering the weighty reality that I had just managed to run into the same wall twice in one night.

This did not bode well for my 2AM to 8AM sleep shift.

I whimpered again.

I felt my nose.  I heard a crunchy sound.  I was reminded of my favorite childhood cereal.

It was clear that my nose couldn’t withstand that side of the bed anymore.

I nudged Chris.

“Wha…what’s wrong?”

“I can’t sleep on this side of the bed anymore.  I’ve sleptrun into the wall two times, and I broke my nose the second time.”

“Oh.  Okay.  I’ll swap sides with you.”

He rolled over to my side and resumed snoring peacefully, in no danger of breaking his nose against the clearly hazardous wall.

I moved to Chris’ side of the bed.  Obviously,  I couldn’t sleep.  My nose was throbbing, I was possibly in shock (okay probably not), and, most disturbing, I was on the wrong side of the bed.

And so my mind began spinning…

2:05 AM: I always thought feng shui was feng crap.  This is not true.  The design of my sleeping environment is so important that it very well may keep me from accidentally offing myself one day.

a.  I need a runway next to my bed.  No walls can be within five feet, and blinking lights need to be added to all surrounding surfaces.

b. No sharp edges on any bedroom furniture can be tolerated.

c. You know what would be perfect? A padded cell.

2:12 AM: It helps to already know that little can be done for broken noses.  You’re not going to get me with your out of state 50% insurance coverage, Blue Cross Blood Suckers!

2:16 AM: It is nice to be rooming with one’s husband.  If this had happened my first year at BlogHer and I’d had to ask my I-Just-Met-Her roommate if she would kindly mind swapping sides of the bed with me to prevent the crushing of my nose for the third time in one night, it might have been slightly embarrassing, aside from taking a bit longer to explain.

2:18 AM: Could I petition for a new Americans With Disabilities Act ordinance that prohibits hotel walls from being within five feet of beds? Because I singlehandedly prove that sleepwalking is a disability.

2:22 AM:  I am so proud to know that my husband no longer doubts my credibility when I tell him that I’ve severely injured myself in my sleep.  Last time, I had to show him the blood streaming down my arm before he quit telling me to get back in bed and go to sleep.  This time, I received his complete and immediate acceptance.

2:36 AM: Maybe too much acceptance.  He sure is sleeping peacefully over there.

2:39 AM: One should never play with their broken nose while laying in bed and pondering their situation.  The sound of tiny particles cracking and grinding is not healthy for one’s nose, one’s pain level, or one’s mental stability.

2:48 AM: My last sleepwalking injury was saving Ali from certain falling, as well.  Obviously, I have issues with small children running in high places.  Noah, don’t do it.  I’m likely to plummet to my death in the attempt to protect you, and that’s a weighty guilt for you to carry for the rest of your life.

2:51 AM: Although a broken nose is quite painful at 2:51 AM, also achy are my neck and shoulders, now most certainly needing an adjustment.  Apparently, hitting the wall at high speeds with one’s nose is not good for alignment.

2:52 AM: The knee rash from multiple contacts with the wall is also bothersome.  Which is pretty petty at this point.

3:01 AM: I can’t sleep on the wrong side of the bed.  Which is worse – not sleeping for the rest of the night, or risking a third injury?

3:09 AM: Not sleeping.

And so I tapped Chris again.

“Wha..what’s wrong?”

“I can’t sleep on your side of the bed.  I need you to swap back with me.”

“Okay.”

He rolled back over and continued sleeping hazardlessly.  He has no idea how good he’s got it.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. 1
    Val says:

    oh Rachel, I feel for ya. I have never sleptrun, but have walked a few times, but if it makes you feel better, it made for a great story…
    I love that you do run faster at 2 am than you do at 1 am…lol-you are so funny

    • 1.1
      Rachel says:

      Oh yes – QUITE faster!! It was not nearly as pleasant at 2 AM! :)
      And yes, it’s a perk of blogging – when something ridiculously bad happens, there’s always the silver lining of “at least I have a blog post out of it”!

  2. 2
    Jill says:

    Whoa! I don’t even know what to say! Maybe bless your heart…

  3. 3
    Shelly says:

    Oh girl, you poor poor thing. I’m glad you managed to have fun anyway.

  4. 4
    April says:

    ok. hilarious! sorry to laugh at your expense, but it’s just all too typical of a mommy to jump out of bed to rescue a child from impending doom…only to have a husband sleep right through it! so sorry about the wall being entirely too close and for your crunchy nose!

  5. 5

    Oh SNAP!

    My mom jumped off the end of a bed to rescue me in her sleep once and she still has the scar on her chin to prove it. :( I am sorry that you’ve got that same mama-trait. Not a good one to have.

    I hope you get healed up soon. How was BlogHer?

  6. 6
    Marlene says:

    I don’t know, I’m kind of thinking the wall is a good thing. I can think of several scenarios involving sleep walking in strange hotels…

  7. 7
    Amy says:

    I know it won’t make you feel any better, but this was a hilarious recap. I’m feel rather guilty for laughing at your expense, but not so guilty that I didn’t laugh!!

    Hope you are feeling better soon!

  8. 8
    Roxaline says:

    Ouch! Sorry about your nose, but you are such a GREAT mama rescuing you children!

  9. 9
    Kate Hayes says:

    Oh Rachel! I’m laughing WITH you, not laughing AT you! But this is sooo funny. I guess it’s a good thing that I got a picture with you when I did – your face completely unbroken and intact. ;) I hope you were able to enjoy the rest of your stay in San Diego anyway. Congrats again on being recognized as one of the 2011 BlogHer Voices of the Year….it was much deserved. I am so glad that we got a chance to meet!

    • 9.1
      Rachel says:

      Yes, my nose looked much larger the next day!! But luckily, it stayed straight – just a bit swollen and colorful. My doctor said that should get better…in about six weeks. He also suggested I buy heavier makeup until then – I guess he doesn’t like the battered nose look

  10. 10
    Jessica says:

    That sucks :( Sorry you sustained injuries… but thanks for letting the rest of us have a giggle about it. I hope the rest of your weekend went much better than this!

    • 10.1
      Rachel says:

      The rest of the weekend was just perfect. I got all the bad out in the middle of the night – not a bad use of time, as I like to be efficient!

  11. 11
    Miss Elisabeth says:

    Mr. Elisabeth ran full speed into our closed bedroom door once and you had to peel me off the floor. Needless to say, he was not pleased, but he lucked out, nothing broken. Why didn’t Chris even check on you and listen to your misery? You sound more klutzy than me. I hope you are feeling better and can find some bubble wrap to put around you tonight.

  12. 12
    Giann says:

    Ouch! Are you going to have your nose looked at? I hope you feel better!!

    • 12.1
      Rachel says:

      Yup! I went Monday night. He x-rayed it, showed me the crack in it, and said it would heal up beautifully and I’d feel better in around six weeks. So if I can survive the next six weeks of Noah grabbing and twisting my nose (which he is REALLY good at), then I should be fine!!

  13. 13
    McKt says:

    Oh my, wow. Maybe you could sleep in some sort of helmet? That sounds super comfortable. Hope it doesn’t hurt too much anymore. At least it is nice to come back from a conference with personal story to share.

  14. 14
    Leslie says:

    Ouch! I had to hold my nose the whole time I was reading this post. I think I am having sympathy pains. Hope it isn’t too bad. If saving your kids from doom (real or not) and wounds to prove it does not earn you Mother of the Year, then I don’t know what does!

    • 14.1
      Rachel says:

      Loony mother of the year perhaps… or delusional mother of the year. What’s the psychological reasoning behind sleepwalking?

      • Leslie says:

        Sorry! This is out of my expertise, but I did attempt to look it up in the diagnostic manual (since this was the closest book). Didn’t find anything related to the reasoning, but I did see that a significant amount of woman will eat during their sleepwalking adventures. Better make sure you log those calories in your Lose-It app! :)

  15. 15
    ABDMama says:

    So sorry to read about your sleeprun ordeal, Rachel!

    I don’t think it will make you feel any better, but the dream I had of mijo dying was horrific and he fell while running on a high place. In many ways I would have preferred waking up smack against the wall than having the rest of the dream trying to deal with his death and how it affected my life. I woke up in tears!

    • 15.1
      Rachel says:

      That definitely does sound worse. I’ve had similar dreams and they are AWFUL. I woke up a few weeks ago right after Ali had a seizure in my dream. It was so scary and messed with my mind all morning!

  16. 16
    Rachel says:

    Oh my goodness, I can’t believe that happened! The minute I read your update on Facebook I thought, oh no, she’s sleepwalking again! I have never broken my nose before but the crunching sounds gross! So sorry that happened!!!

    I read once that sleepwalking is natural in kids b/c they haven’t developed some hormone that temporarily paralyzes the body during sleep, and that if you still sleepwalk as an adult it is actually a dangerous disorder (as you have proved!).

    I usually only sleepwalk in new places…hotels have always been the worst, so I was so happy not to have sleepwalked at all on my trip! I guess I must finally be growing out of it! Hope you do too. :)

  17. 17
    Marty says:

    You do have a very understanding husband ;-)

  18. 18
    Shelly says:

    I just really didn’t even know that was possible! And that is all I have to say. I’m really in awe…

    • 18.1
      Rachel says:

      It’s really okay! I tried to go in with minimal expectations, so it really was just humorous. And really, it was an awesome excuse for a getaway with Chris, and that’s what matters!!

  19. 19

    Holy crap! Or should I say, thwap? Damn, girl. You need bubble wrapped walls.

  20. 20
    Christen says:

    Ouch! Glad it didn’t ruin your trip, and I think it’s hilarious that you’d rather risk getting injured again rather than sleep on the “wrong” side of the bed…think I’d have to make the same decision!

  21. 21
    Renee says:

    Oh wow that is hilarious! I actually laughed at the line about having to wake up your blogher roommate and ask her to switch sides!! HAHA! :)
    That is definitely a good story though, so worth the pain??

  22. 22
    Judi says:

    I’m so happy you were able to go to BlogHer but, Rach, you may need to see somebody about the dreams/sleeprunning.:)

  23. 23
    Gina Bruchac says:

    sorry you hurt your nose, but it was a very funny story

  24. 24
    Eva says:

    you are hilarious! i’m sitting here laughing and my husband is just looking at me weird. do you also sleep eat? i had a friend who did that. would you rather have broken noses or a lot of extra weight? neither i’m sure. so how do you deal with this reoccurring problem?
    and and by the way, i should have known that you like HP b/c only cool people do. we have a lot in common! I LOVE HP!!!

    • 24.1
      Rachel says:

      I am not aware that I sleep eat, but I also wouldn’t be surprised!! Although I usually remember what I do in my sleep, so I’d assume not…yet.

      And there’s nothing I can do to deal with the problem. After an “episode” it scares me to death for a few days, but what can you do? Chris has threatened to tie me to the bed or handcuff me to him, but that seems fraught with complications. :)

  25. 25

    Okay, I know I should be responding to the fact that you broke your nose while sleep-running (yikes!), but really I’m just leaving you a comment to tell you that I discovered your blog through…well, never mind…and I’ve ignored laundry, my own blogging responsibilities, AND the fact that the New Year came and went without my noticing so that I could read through a dozen or so of your posts.

    I read this post out loud to my husband, who appreciated it, and laughed a little but would have appreciated/laughed more if I hadn’t been crying with hilarity the entire time I read (reading while blubbing from laughter is apparently hard to understand).

    My favorite line? “I also discovered that I run much faster at 2 AM than I do at 1 AM.” (I’m still chuckling).

    I visit all kind of blogs peremptorily and enjoy what they have to offer, but the amount of times I actually stay long enough to read more than 2 posts is so seldom as to be abysmal (life as a home-schooling, blogging, fitness-instructing mama of three littles doesn’t leave just oodles of extra space for blog-stalking).

    So, believe me when I say that you have been a welcome distraction this evening from all the everydayness I was supposed to be confronting.

    Thanks for using your clear, God-given talent for words (and good grammar…YES!) and humor to entertain/inform the rest of us.

    Would love for you to stop by my neck of the woods for a visit in all of your “free time” (ahem…right).

    Lovely to “meet” you!

    ~Abbie (www.fivedaysfiveways.com)

    • 25.1
      Rachel says:

      Thank you SO much!! This is the sweetest comment I’ve gotten in a long time – and very encouraging!! I’ve actually not quite felt like myself bloggy-wise lately, so it’s so nice to hear some kind words!!

      Of course I’ll come visit you – I blog for relationships, so I love to get to know my readers, too!

      I hope you’re having a great New Year’s! Thanks again for the encouragement!! :)

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