The Blog Post That Never Was.

Disclaimer: Not for the faint of heart.  Or men.  In fact, I don’t recommend reading this post at all.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I have finally completed the weaning process.

This was harder than I expected – not for Noah, but for me.  The reality that he is most likely my last child and is too grown-up to be metaphorically (and not-so-metaphorically) attached to me is pretty hard to accept.  After all, twenty-one months of giving him life-support of one sort or another is a hard habit to kick.

However.

Nursing Noah was not always so enjoyable.

When he first decided to grow a pair (of teeth, that is), he wasn’t exactly the most sensitive of babies.

He bit.

Often.

And violently.

Weapons of Mass Destruction copy

He especially enjoyed biting down, holding his grip with the veracity of a snapping turtle, and then yanking as hard as he possibly could, all while growling in a Paleolithic manner.

When he attained an upper and lower pair, The Situation was upgraded to Beyond Cruel and Unusual Punishment.  There were times when I would ache for hours after nursing him due to his piercing sharpness, sheer determination, and sadistic mindset.

During these moments of intense pain and fear, my instincts would take over. 

Meaning, of course, that I would find myself involuntarily composing a blog post in my head. 

The blog post was always the same one: the story of what I knew was about to occur at any moment – the tearing of flesh. 

This instinct alone carried me through many excruciating feedings by giving me something with which to entertain and distract my mind from the brutality at hand.

(Well, not at hand, per say.)

Now that breastfeeding is done and the possibility is a blessed impossibility, I decided to sit down and write out that blog post – a post that was mentally composed and recomposed perhaps more than any other piece I’ve ever written.

Second Disclaimer: QUIT READING NOW.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

(And let me clarify…the following is only what happened in my head during those tortuous moments.  It IS fiction.)


It was like any other night.  I was lovingly providing my baby with sustenance, nutritional superpowers, and the feeling of love and belonging.

He was reciprocating by treating me like I was in a torture camp in the backwoods of North Korea.

(Do they have woods in North Korea?)

Suck, swallow, bite, chomp, yank.

Suck, swallow, bite, chomp, yank.

Suck, swallow, bite, chomp, yank,

RIIIIIIIP.

I heard the sound that no one should ever have to hear unless they bought chicken breasts with the skin on and have no way of removing it but with their bare hands.

I screamed louder than my “I just saw a roach” scream – which translates into approximately two times more resonant than The Dread Pirate Roberts screeched during his stay at Count Rugen’s Death Machine.

(In  fact, I’m pretty sure that Miracle Max and his wife most definitely had their dinner interrupted by the sound of my wail.  Not that they did anything about it, of course – they just complained about the noise level of the forest these days and went back to eating their chocolate-coated matzo ball soup.)

My scream shocked Noah enough to freeze him in place for a moment, and I (…and these are words that you never want to find yourself in the position to type…) dug around in his mouth and retrieved my nipple.

Chris came running in, roach spray in hand.

He quickly assessed the situation, noticed my spouting, bloody chest somewhat akin to the Black Knight’s flesh wound, and quickly dropped his can of husbandly defense.

It hit me at this point that I was still screaming, rhythmically and repeatedly. 

This can’t be good for my lungs.  Or bloodflow. 

I calmed down and handed Chris my nipple.

“Prepare this for transportation.”

“What?  Do you think it’s fixable?”

“I have no idea, but we should probably keep all accessories just in case.”

He ran out of the room – I presumed to find some ice.  After all, that’s how they handle body parts on TV.

He called 911.

I called my Mom.

“Hey, Mom? I know it’s late, but can you come over, like right now, and stay with the kids for a little while?”

“Sure! Why?”

“Well, I need to go get my nipple put back on.”

I yelled at Chris to quit calling 911.  We have to wait until Mom gets here anyway – we might as well drive ourselves.

Noah, meanwhile, was innocently staring up at me, with a “Thanks for the delicious snack, Mom!” look on his face.  I wiped the blood off of his dimpled cheeks, plopped him in his crib, and told him to have a blast putting himself to bed.  FROM NOW ON.

After what seemed like hours of applying pressure and waiting and driving and filling out paperwork and carrying around a body part on the rocks, we finally got put into an ER room.  I sat and stared at Chris.  He sat and stared at my chest.

The doctor strolled in and froze.

“What happened here?”

“Um.  Well, my baby bit off my nipple.”

“Wow.  That beats out the girl who came in here a few years ago at 3 AM after she  impaled her hand while sleepwalking.”

“Awesome – because that was me, too.”

And that’s as far as I ever got.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. 1
    Trinity says:

    I read it, the whole thing. And my response: OMG No!
    What happens next?!

  2. 2
    Angie says:

    There are absolutely no words…. None. “I’m sorry” doesn’t seem to cover it!!

  3. 3
    Michele says:

    Oh no!!! My nipples are hurting in sympathy. You did warn us though. Hope everything healed up okay.

  4. 4
    Adrienne says:

    O MY GOSH!!! This just makes me cringe! I am SO SORRY!! Are you whole again? Can you ever BE whole again?

    I cannot even begin to imagine the shear pain of this! Landen bit me a couple times while he was teething, but he also began teething at 3 months… and after a couple instinctual, reflex whops with the back of my hand when he chomped down, it was no longer an issue. (Additionally: when I weaned Landen, the separation left me lonely and sad for days! It’s a tough bond to break… although I imagine the bond between a boob and a nipple is probably a much more difficult bond to break!)

    • 4.1
      Rachel says:

      I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who had huge emotional shifts at the end of nursing! I totally didn’t with Ali, but so did with Noah.

  5. 5
    Amy says:

    OMG. I’m dying here on your behalf. Dying. You have to finish this story. ASAP.

  6. 6
    Jessica says:

    Oh, Rachel. That was horrible.
    I’m going to assume that that didn’t really happen, right? Right?
    My girls both weened themselves at about 11 months, so I didn’t have to deal with teeth for very long. Beege actually nursed for the last time on my birthday. She ate, then looked up at me, patted my breast in a “thank you” sort of way, and never wanted it again :\ I cried, but she was fine.

    • 6.1
      Rachel says:

      Thank you!! No it did not happen. Glad that someone caught onto that – I thought I was clear, but clearly I was not. :)

      That’s such a sweet story about Beege!! After about 6 days of no nursing, I was swollen, hurting, and about to go out of town and therefore overly sentimental, and so I tried to get Noah to nurse again. He decisively turned his head and smiled – completely refused to!! But in a way, it was good, because he had cried the first few times I put him to sleep without nursing. So by so clearly telling me he was done, he lifted the heavy hand of Mommy guilt.

  7. 7
    Leslie says:

    OMG!!! This is fiction, correct? I am slowly pulling myself out of the fetal position. I know you warned me, but it had the opposite effect and just made me want to read it more. I am a little nauseous. Kinda impressive that your story had this effect on me. Okay, I must find something else to read to take my mind off of this…this…I cant even describe it. Bunnies! I will find your bunny post and read it. Nothing traumatizing with a bunny.

  8. 8
    Carol Busse says:

    Oh my goodness!!! You should definitely make a badge for this one. I can’t even imagine the pain you endured. Glad it’s over, but so sorry you had to go through that. What a mother wouldn’t do for her child!

  9. 9
    Rachel says:

    I will answer the comments later this afternoon, but just to clarify, this didn’t really happen. This is the post that I composed in my head during painful feedings, expecting it to happen at every time (Hence, “The Post That Never Was” and the prologue). I went back and re-re-clarified in the prologue – sorry for the confusion!

  10. 10
    Lindsey says:

    This sounds like the prologue to “Baby Dracula” or “Hannibal Lecter: the formative years.” :)

  11. 11
    Annie Gallitz says:

    I would NOT have gone to the ER. Being nippleless on one side is vastly more desirable than explaining this event to the MD , and giving the whole ER crew fodder for their “worst ER stories Ever” repertoire. And , believe me , they LOVE to tell their stories…………..

  12. 12
    Rachel says:

    LOL! This story cracked me up b/c I totally had these thoughts with S. She bit me several times, twice enough to draw blood. A couple of flicks to the cheek took care of it but everytime she would get a new tooth I would get a bite. No fun! Nursing is a painful business!

  13. 13
    Lesley says:

    I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I was nursing while reading this post and it felt like my 6 week old was developing teeth – eeee no!
    However, I can empathize with you. When E was around 13 months she started biting, enough to draw blood on several occasions. The strange thing was that she had already cut several teeth before this occurrence. Why she decided to bite then I do not know, but it lasted for almost a month. I was seriously considering weening her earlier than I had planned if she had kept that up, thankfully, she quit after a few weeks and we were all good again.
    Good luck adjusting to no longer nursing – just think, pretty bras again and you can wear dresses!

    • 13.1
      Rachel says:

      It is weird how they go through biting phases like that. Grinding teeth is the same way – Ali did that for about a month and drove me crazy. Noah hasn’t discovered that skill yet.

  14. 14
    Nikki says:

    I can’t believe you wrote this! HA HA!!! You’re so crazy (in the best way)! I’m glad it never actually came to nipple tearing. I’m resonate with both the pain of nursing, and the pain of stopping. Love to you, friend.

  15. 15
    Tiffany says:

    Oh. My. Gosh. HILARIOUS!!! Haha, from a mom who is breastfeeding a 9 month old (girl though…so no growling) I totally understand….some days God must have used extra strength gorilla glue to keep those things on there!

  16. 16
    Laura Wilder says:

    I read this while nursing & I am thankful Anderson doesn’t teeth! Every stage has its blessings & challenges! Thank you for the reminder that one of the blessings of this stage is NO TEETH :)

  17. 17
    Amanda says:

    Nora only had to bite me two times and her nursing days were OVER! It was a fabulous 6 mths for her and me but I was done!

  18. 18
    Natalie says:

    Yeah. I’ve imagined that happening several times as well.
    So far it has not AND I’ve never actually heard of it happening. :)
    Don’t you just love our imagination? Mine tortures me endlessly. Endlessly.

  19. 19
    Kristen says:

    Loved this! I nursed #1 until 7 months, stopped because I was cracked and bleeding. #2 I planned to stop at 12 m and it was easy to wean, but I still miss that closeness and snuggle time. Life will never be the same. But we have shut down the baby making factory, it is strictly zoned for amusement park from now on.

  20. 20
    Jill says:

    Words are failing me. I think I just had a phantom pain.

  21. 21

    That is the single most terrifying piece of fiction I have ever read.

  22. 22
    Julie says:

    Just as a public service annoucnement for any traumatized moms who may have read this far – you do not have to put up with being a kids chew toy to have a nursing relationship! Most kids will respond pretty well to some basic training not to bite, or you can train yourself to catch them before they bite. (Though of course some kids are stubborn, and watching them doesn’t always work when you’re sleepy, but you can at the worst scale it way back….)

    http://www.kellymom.com/bf/older-baby/biting.html has some good tips. For my boys, I always found that as soon as they bit I took them off, put them down and ignored their existence entirely for a minute or two. Two or three rounds of that was enough for them to get the picture – biting = no milk, and they stopped. Of course my boys bit at the beginning of the nursing session – biting at the end is a bit harder to break, but check out the article for tips.

    • 22.1
      Rachel says:

      It was worth it still to nurse, seeing as how I endured it and kept nursing until 13 months. He didn’t respond to any sort of training, but eventually gave up his carnivorousness.

  23. 23
    Topaz Ermsahr says:

    OMH!!! I am glad to hear this is fiction. My mind has run a similar course over the years of breastfeeding my five children.

    I identify with you! I am currently nursing my *sigh* last of my little ones. She is almost 8 months. She pulls and growls and bites (thankfully no teeth yet). I BF all mine until about 14 month–about the time they had cut teeth and started biting…the first time they drew blood, that was it! Cut off before they bit off! I can also relate to the trouble with closing that chapter…I am not looking forward to it (Although, the thought of wearing a pretty bra, and a dress again is appealing.) I do hope to nurse a little longer this time.

  24. 24
    Julianne says:

    This story seriously had me laughing out loud and crying at the same time…is that even possible? Now this is all I will be able to think of while nursing my teething 8 month old!!!

  25. 25
    Angela in Arizona says:

    I’m sorry to be laughing at your pain, but I know that SCREAM. The one you make and then regret, because you’re trying to put a baby to sleep.. yes. And I’m going to have to think of more CreepyHappy movies for you (on to your more recent post). Would you consider The Nightmare Before Christmas as CreepyHappy? Or Coraline? They just look CreepyCreepy to me, but lots of folks seem to like them. Thanks for making me smile, by the way. HappyHappy. Not CreepyHappy. =)

    • 25.1
      Rachel says:

      I’ve never seen either of those movies, but they do seem just CreepyCreepy. Coraline has always looked curiously interesting, though…

  26. 26

    I read this with my hand arm firmly clamped over both breasts and my stomach rolling uncomfortably.

    But I can’t deny it.

    I’ve imagined just such a scenario.

    What’s worse…I think it’s actually possible.

    Blech.

    Must got find smelling salts.

  27. 27
    Eva says:

    you have quite the imagination! i’m SO glad that didn’t happen in real life. sounds like something i would think up. i wonder if it’s ever happened before… for real? yikes. it’s strange though b/c today my baby turned one and tonight in 20 minutes is our last nursing session. it’s the longest i’ve gone and i’m ready to be done. good for you for going 21 months!

    • 27.1
      Rachel says:

      Oh I only went 13 months – I was counting 13 + 9 inside = 21 months of life support from me. :)

      • Eva says:

        haha. i wondered that after i thought about the math in my head. i’m not missing nursing at this point. hope you’re holding up! at least you know your nipples are safe now :)

  28. 28
    Shondra says:

    Oh my gosh. I have tears in my eyes because even though this blog is very funny, it is all too real to me right now. I have been up every night for a week with a 6 month old who only goes to sleep when nursed, but bites me every time. He has 4 teeth all the way through with two other ones just breaking through the surface. He smiles at me when I firmly tell him not to bite. He doesn’t even know what I’m saying. So I lay him down and he cries and wakes the whole house, which includes a 2.5 year old who is cranky when woken. Ugh. 6 more months of breastfeeding? Not so sure I can do it.

    • 28.1
      Rachel says:

      I feel your pain!! Noah did move on from the biting phase before I quit nursing him. He never responded to any of my attempts to HELP him move on, he just got bored with the game after awhile. Here’s to hoping that yours does too!!

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