I offer many public services to my children.
If you get down to it, we’re basically a communist nation around here.
They do what I tell them to do, and then I choose what to pay them. I provide the food, the transportation, the rules, the housing, and even the clothing.
(Although I at times allow them to have some creative license in how to use it.)
Basically, I OWN them.
But I don’t demand much. Just a small tax here and there.
For instance, there’s The Oreo Tax.
I don’t think it’s too much to ask to tax the cream out of every Oreo.
And after all. Everyone knows that Oreos taste better without the cream. Especially if it was a Double Stuf – you know that thing would have been too sweet for you kids.
If there are PEZ to be doled out, all yellow and orange PEZ’s go straight to The Queen.
So when it’s a multi-pack, sometimes you’re lucky, and sometimes you’re not.
At least three pieces out of every pack of gummies must be paid in taxes. And none of the freaky opaque gummies – only the translucent ones are acceptable to pay your debts.
If you get a real lemonade when out to eat (none of that Minute Maid “0% Juice” crap – there’s no tax on that), the first sip must be taxed – you know, to make sure it was made well that day.
If you get a Kid’s Meal somewhere that has free ice cream, such as DQ or Hamburger Heaven, you get to keep the entire kid’s meal – and only have to pay the ice cream as your tax.
And a Full Moon BBQ, where they give you a gourmet chocolate chip cookie half dipped in rich, nutty chocolate with your kid’s meal, all I ask is that you let me suck approximately 80% of the chocolate off.
These are not unreasonable demands.
But I know how colonists are. They want freedom, not realizing all of the incredible services offered to them by their home country. And so the possibility for revolt is always there.
So if any of you ever hear about a war that is started by the mass dumping of de-creamed Oreos into the toilet out of protest and rebellion, now you know why.
And when my children decolonize from me, and then come proudly parading by me with their own flags, I’m sure I’ll look just this grumpy.
Alright, fellow Sovereigns Over the Shorter Class, your turn.
Confess your own taxes excised on the lives of your citizens.