They Say It’s My Birthday.

Hi internet people!  Noah here.

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So today, I’m this thing that they call two.

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And apparently, I’m supposed to be happy about it.

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But here’s the thing: I believe that I’ve been treated unfairly.

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Birthdays are a big deal.  Just ask The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy who insists that her own is to be celebrated for an entire month.

smh.

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But then it comes time for my birthday, and she basically throws me an Afterthought Party.

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I get it, I get it.  I was born six days before the busiest day of the Mommy Year.

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But Poor Family Planning on your part does not constitute a subpar Birthday Celebration on my part.

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What?  Don’t believe That Woman could throw a pitiful party?

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First of all.  She bought my birthday supplies at PARTY CITY rather than making them with her own loving hands.

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Did Party City birth me?  No.  Does Party City have a vested interest in my level of lifelong success?  No.  Should Party City get the HIGHEST OF HONORS of being allowed to craft my Birthday Party? 

NO.

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Second of all.  I didn’t even get a tablecloth.

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A TABLECLOTH!! How much are those cheap paper wastes of trees anyway?? Like, a dollar??

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But yet.  She had the money to buy me this??

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HAS SHE NO CONCEPT OF HOW HUMILIATING SUCH A THING CAN BE??

And then there was the issue of the very, very storebought cake.

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Sure, they said it tasted fabulous and all, but I wouldn’t know.  Because I refused to eat a single bite of it.  On Principle.

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It was white.  With blue and green squirts on it.  And it said “Happy Birthday Noah.”

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The minute I laid eyes on the thing, I was flabbergasted at her lack of affection for me.

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How many hours has That Woman spent on Pinterest this year? 

AND SHE STILL THINKS THAT WAS ACCEPTABLE?!?!

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I could have decorated a better cake with my vast collection of Snot Rockets.

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It just wasn’t fair.  The Woman has all the time in the world to make Memes out of me, but no time to make me a six-foot-tall sculpted Lightning McQueen like I deserve.

Life's Not Fair

She just made that into a meme, didn’t she?

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So wrong.  So, SO wrong.

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During the party, I took a minute to vent to my cousin Andi about the injustices served to me.

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She was great, offering me a comforting hug,

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And a missed kiss.

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But then she got all exhortative on me, pouring out a sippyload of advice about looking inside myself for the answers to my problems.

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So I told her that her diaper was full of it.

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And judging by the smell of the place, we both knew I was right.

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Present time definitely helped my frame of mind,

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But after I’d opened everything, The Servants rolled in my present from them.  I didn’t even notice at first,

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But when I saw it, I have to admit: I was shocked by their generosity.

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And, as I rode my new wheels around the room, I realized that Andi had been right all along.

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And, just like a woman, she knew it too.

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So I guess you didn’t come here to listen to me whine.  You came here to see an anthology of my fabulous face over this year, right?

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Personally, I think the best way you can celebrate my birthday is to read all of my guest posts.  But because I’m here to please and not self-promote, I present to you: my face.

Here I am at my birthday last year.  Apparently not so offended by the cake offering.

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Then January…

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February…

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March…

03-12

April…

04-12

May…

05-12

June…

06-12 b

July…

07-12
07-12b

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August…

08-12

September…

09-12

October…

10-12

November…

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And now we’re back around to now.  Still cute after all these months, aren’t I?

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So.  Feel free to celebrate my birthday today in the manner you deem most appropriate.  Just don’t do it with storebought cake.

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Or you, too, might have to be schooled by a cousin.

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Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. 1
    Robin says:

    Happy Birthday Noah! Don’t worry, I will try to school your mom on the art of birthday parties before next year!

  2. 2
    charity says:

    Jake & I read this together for our after-breakfast reading this morning. He loved it! He kept reaching for my phone and the pictures of Noah.

  3. 3
    renita says:

    hahaha… I love little kids, they make the best faces. The mohawk picture is my favorite.

  4. 4
    Debra says:

    Hilarious!! And you know, as he is growing up, I am seeing more of Chris in him. Of course, occasionally there is a facial expression or two that reminds me of your dad-LOL–I will leave him to figure out which ones:). Tell Noah Happy Two ! (and I think he should have received cake pops in the shape of cars, don’t you?) slighted again…

  5. 5
    Melanie says:

    Happy Birthday Noah!

  6. 6
    Melanie Miller says:

    Love it when Noah writes! Happy Birthday from Idaho!

  7. 7
    Leanna says:

    Happy Birthday Noah! I have to admit he always makes me smile. He is just such a cutie! I could so see my nephews thinking the same thing about their parties.

  8. 8
    Patty says:

    Happy birthday, Noah!! :)

    Rachel, he is SO cute! He has the prettiest blue eyes!

  9. 9
    Lindsay W. says:

    Yay for store bought decorations and cake! Boo for Martha Stewart moms who apparently have infinite time on their hands and make the rest of us look bad–although their ideas are cute and I’d love to try them sometime when I get my act together. Love your pics and captions. Cute idea.

  10. 10
    Melissa says:

    Happy Birthday Noah! :-) It’s a good day to be born! My youngest brother’s birthday is today too.

  11. 11
    Susan Williamson says:

    Happy Birthday, Noah!

  12. 12
    Sarah says:

    Happy birthday, Noah!!!

  13. 13
    Wendy Clark says:

    What???? No fancy cake pops???? :)

  14. 14
    Inna says:

    Happy Birthday Noah!

    “How many hours has That Woman spent on Pinterest this year? ” Bwahahah!

  15. 15

    Oh Rachel, it’s not just you. Every mother with a child born in December does exactly the same thing! Roark’s birthday is Dec. 31st, and every year he gets a lame party because of it. I foolishly thought that because his birthday fell on New Year’s Eve that it wouldn’t be so bad. I mean, if your birthday HAS to be in Dec., that seems like the best day of the month for a party, right? Well, not unless your 21! If your younger than that, no one wants to come to your stinkin’ party! This year I’m going to try throwing a proper party for him later in January…I’m sure that will totally confuse him but at least I won’t have as much mommy guilt! Great post! Loved the pinterest comment as well.

  16. 16
    Shelly says:

    My poor husband…he has a birthday on Jan. 6 that I almost forget each year. Totally get it! Noah is soooo cute!

  17. 17
    Kitty Engle says:

    Dearest Noah: Get used to it, we were born to near that big time of Christmas. However, you should have words with the Servant that Calls Herself Mommy because I got a real homemade birthday cake the day before. Wow, I must be special. Your cake was good but I must admit mine was better. No life is not fair and for a 2 year old that is bad. Maybe next year The Sister that call herself Ali will make you homemade decorations for your birthday. After all she is very talented in art. I really enjoyed all your pictures of the year and could not help but notice you got a whole mouth full of teeth last year. That is something to be thankful for so you can eat anything you want including your cars. Love you Noah but get used to that Christmas birthday.

  18. 18
    Cheri says:

    Happy Birthday Noah! I love these posts and his facial expressions are priceless.

  19. 19
    Dawn says:

    Aww…I love Noah posts. : ) Happy birthday Noah!

  20. 20
    Eva says:

    happy birthday noah! you are so cute! my little samuel’s birthday is right away the corner :) in a month or so.

  21. 21
    Meridith says:

    Happy Birthday Noah! Just remember Sweetie, it could be worse….you could have a terrible mummy like me, who hasn’t managed to get the Christmas tree up OR buy any presents yet!

  22. 22
    Shiree says:

    Happy Birthday, Noah! And Happy Labor Day, Rachel!

  23. 23
    Rachel says:

    Those baby blues are just too gorgeous!!! Happy birthday Noah! Sorry you found out life’s not fair. Here’s hoping you have a year full of homemade cakes!

  24. 24
    Karen says:

    I love your guest posts, Noah! Happy, happy birthday!

  25. 25
    Mandi M. says:

    Happy Birthday Noah! Store bought cake or not, you still ended up with one sweet ride that all the little ladies will be happy to take a spin on with you. :)

  26. 26
    Jenna says:

    Noah, you are too cute! Rachel, how do you not spend your days just kissing those cheeks all day long?! And Noah, don’t worry, one day, when you grow up, you can MAKE YOUR OWN CAKE![: Or maybe Ali will be a kind big sister and do it for you.

    P.S. Rachel, I’m going to start that ridiculous zulily post of mine[: I’ve got some good ones!

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    Dana says:

    Yeah! HappyBirthday Noah! My little Parker just turned 2 also, August 29th. Such a cute age! I made the worst cake ever, so next year it WILL be a store bought cake for us.

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    TRACY B says:

    Happy Birthday Noah!!! I hope you have a blessed one…..I just love those big blue eyes of yours…. Thanks Servant who calls herself Mommy for letting Noah tell his side of the story….

  29. 29
    Nikki says:

    So darn cute!!! Love his guest posts! :)

  30. 30
    maria says:

    I feel your pain, except two of my kids have birthdays in the summer, so they don’t even celebrate in school. Next year I think they will have half birthdays parties so they don’t miss out on the fun!

  31. 31
    Kaylee says:

    This is so funny! He’s adorable! I work at a daycare and we have one of those motorcycles and all the kids fight over it. It’s the most popular toy we have. Good choice! Happy Birthday Noah!

  32. 32

    My husband had the nerve to be born the week before Christmas. Poor guy, even though he’s a grown man, he still feels slighted. Any other time of the year, I would have thrown incredible parties. But the week before Christmas?

    It’s all his mother’s fault, and your future daughter – in – law will blame you too.

    Be prepared.
    Ha.

  33. 33
    April S. says:

    He cracks me up. I love his facial expressions and his blue eyes. December birthdays are hard. I know from experience! Can’t believe he is two already!

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