Hi internet people! Noah here.
So today, I’m this thing that they call two.
And apparently, I’m supposed to be happy about it.
But here’s the thing: I believe that I’ve been treated unfairly.
Birthdays are a big deal. Just ask The Servant Who Calls Herself Mommy who insists that her own is to be celebrated for an entire month.
But then it comes time for my birthday, and she basically throws me an Afterthought Party.
I get it, I get it. I was born six days before the busiest day of the Mommy Year.
But Poor Family Planning on your part does not constitute a subpar Birthday Celebration on my part.
What? Don’t believe That Woman could throw a pitiful party?
First of all. She bought my birthday supplies at PARTY CITY rather than making them with her own loving hands.
Did Party City birth me? No. Does Party City have a vested interest in my level of lifelong success? No. Should Party City get the HIGHEST OF HONORS of being allowed to craft my Birthday Party?
Second of all. I didn’t even get a tablecloth.
A TABLECLOTH!! How much are those cheap paper wastes of trees anyway?? Like, a dollar??
But yet. She had the money to buy me this??
HAS SHE NO CONCEPT OF HOW HUMILIATING SUCH A THING CAN BE??
And then there was the issue of the very, very storebought cake.
Sure, they said it tasted fabulous and all, but I wouldn’t know. Because I refused to eat a single bite of it. On Principle.
It was white. With blue and green squirts on it. And it said “Happy Birthday Noah.”
The minute I laid eyes on the thing, I was flabbergasted at her lack of affection for me.
How many hours has That Woman spent on Pinterest this year?
AND SHE STILL THINKS THAT WAS ACCEPTABLE?!?!
I could have decorated a better cake with my vast collection of Snot Rockets.
It just wasn’t fair. The Woman has all the time in the world to make Memes out of me, but no time to make me a six-foot-tall sculpted Lightning McQueen like I deserve.
She just made that into a meme, didn’t she?
So wrong. So, SO wrong.
During the party, I took a minute to vent to my cousin Andi about the injustices served to me.
She was great, offering me a comforting hug,
And a missed kiss.
But then she got all exhortative on me, pouring out a sippyload of advice about looking inside myself for the answers to my problems.
So I told her that her diaper was full of it.
And judging by the smell of the place, we both knew I was right.
Present time definitely helped my frame of mind,
But after I’d opened everything, The Servants rolled in my present from them. I didn’t even notice at first,
But when I saw it, I have to admit: I was shocked by their generosity.
And, as I rode my new wheels around the room, I realized that Andi had been right all along.
And, just like a woman, she knew it too.
So I guess you didn’t come here to listen to me whine. You came here to see an anthology of my fabulous face over this year, right?
Personally, I think the best way you can celebrate my birthday is to read all of my guest posts. But because I’m here to please and not self-promote, I present to you: my face.
Here I am at my birthday last year. Apparently not so offended by the cake offering.
And now we’re back around to now. Still cute after all these months, aren’t I?
So. Feel free to celebrate my birthday today in the manner you deem most appropriate. Just don’t do it with storebought cake.
Or you, too, might have to be schooled by a cousin.