The Dark Underbelly of Toddlerhood.

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IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE FCC: THIS POST IS RATED FOR INAPPROPRIATE YET CONTEXTUAL FOUL TODDLER LANGUAGE AND AN UNNECESSARILY HIGH NUMBER OF REFERENCES TO POO. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Noah Sick

There are things that you don’t want to know about last week.

Those things have kept me from having the time to have original thought (and therefore blog properly) because they have occupied me with tasks such as laundering multiple loads of toddler pants, comforting a heartbreakingly rashed toddler, being filled with hateful thoughts toward Pampers for their lack of rear absorbency, and being up to my elbows in lakes darker and more repugnant than one in which you might find a Horcrux.

(I would not have been at all surprised if Inferi had grabbed my hand and wet wipe in the attempt to pull me under.)

This toddler problem also required the entire city’s supply of Buttpaste.

And when we ran out, he begged me for more.

I promised him. “We’ll go to the Buttpaste store tonight and buy you some more.”

I didn’t mention that we were going out to eat first (because my house was not at all sanitary enough to prepare food,) so when we arrived at the restaurant, he gleefully greeted the whole place with a rousing cheer of “IT’S THE BUTTFACE HOUSE!!! THE BUTTFACE HOUSE!! THE BUTTFACE HOUSE!!!”

But I didn’t break my promise. After dinner, we headed to my nemesis, Wal-Mart, and bought their inventory of Buttpaste, which was woefully low.

But it cheered his mood considerably, inspiring him to write his first original song.

All Mothers yearn to be praised like that.

His ailments have also required a lot of extra singing and rocking on our part, as he holds his butt high up in the air. His song requests vary from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse to Somebody that I Used to Know.

His requests are made all the more difficult to fulfill because Chris and I have very different song databases with which we have programmed our son. So when Noah insistently requests that I sing him Sweet Baby James, I have to embarrassingly decline.

But in revenge, I teach him Waterfalls – a song I know that his Father doesn’t have stored.

Sometimes his requests need quite a bit of interpretation. Wuff Wuff Down, for instance. It took at least ten requests for me to realize he wanted a little Kanye – Love Lockdown, please.

His movie requests have also been cryptic, but I’m a dedicated translator. I am quite proud to be able to add to my growing translation notes that “Shitshit Shitcake!!” Is toddlerese for Strawberry Shortcake.

Which brings us right back around to where we started.

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Comments

  1. 1
    Wendy Clark says:

    Oh bless his little heart. And I mean that sincerely :). It is so sad when our little ones are sick. But his song is precious! I know you probably already know this, but sometimes when they have a really bad rash for a long time it can turn into a yeast. And although its not fun for mom letting them go without a diaper during the day will help too.

    • 1.1
      Rachel says:

      Thanks for the tip! I know I never replied to this, but I was worried that it would turn into that or staph, too. It didn’t, thank goodness! His butt is back to being as smooth as…well, you know.

  2. 2
    Melanie Yates says:

    My toddler just said she wishes she could go to your house.

  3. 3
    Jami says:

    “Shitshit shitcake” may be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. Granted I like to take videos of my 2 yr old saying truck, mainly because his t’s come out as f’s. Hope the little guy is feeling better.

  4. 4
    Karen says:

    Oh, poor Noah (and you)! I hope he heals up soon. The video is perfect… Expect a call from the Boudreaux’s company marketing department soon.

  5. 5
    absepa says:

    I am so sorry your little guy is under the weather (and that you’re fighting the poo-dwelling Inferi). The thought of you leading Noah in a rousing chorus of “Somebody That I Used to Know” really makes me laugh, though.

  6. 6
    DONNA says:

    Shitshit Shitcake!!” Is toddlerese for Strawberry Shortcake, Probably the funniest thing i have heard
    in a while !

  7. 7
    Eva says:

    he is too cute. sorry for all the diarrhea. no fun. my niece had a 12 hour puking bug this weekend and my in-laws were taking care of her. moohahahaha :)

  8. 8
    Meridith says:

    We thankfully do not have butt issues right now…however my 17mth old who received all 16 teeth beautifully between 6mths and 15mths with not a tear is now getting two bottom two year old molars…not happily! Poor little things when not well…and poor mummy too!!

  9. 9
    Bethany says:

    Oh, my goodness! We got a similar bug last week and it was awful! Liquid, green, foul-smelling–ICK!
    I’ve come to the conclusion that there are few things more disgustingly heave-y than cleaning out another person’s soupy feces from under your finger nails. Ask me how I know.

  10. 10
    Adrienne says:

    I love the attempts of toddlers to speak clearly, it is so endearing (most of the time).

    Landen, now 2 1/2, started screaming the other day when my husband put the bench in front of the kid table rather than behind. UNFORTUNATELY, Landen’s pronunciation of bench sounds EXACTLY like b*tch…. therefore our two year old was screaming at the top of his lungs, “NO DADDY, PUT THE B*TCH IN THE BACK!!! PUT THE B*TCH IN THE BACK, DADDY!”

    :D

  11. 11
    Rachel says:

    Oh Lord… I think your kiddo would be exceptionally difficult for me to lipread (and keep a straight face!)

    He is so stinkin’ adorable (pun completely intended).

    Any translation of the original song for your deaf readers? ::)

    • 11.1
      Rachel says:

      Sorry I’m so late in replying! My comments and emails got the best of me for a while.

      He was singing, over and over, “Mommy put my BUTT paste ON!!!”

  12. 12
    Rebekah says:

    Oh my goodness. How does this post only have 11 comments?! I just laughed so hard I cried. ShitShit Shitcake is the best toddler word I’ve ever heard. And my son yells, “BOOBIES and “RABBIS” whenever we enter the produce section. (translation: “blueberries” and “Blackberries”).

    Never stop posting. My husband has been deployed 20 out of the last 27 months and this blog makes me laugh every.single.time I read. And boy do I need it! Thanks for serving your country by keeping all of our spirits up! May God bless you with many more poo stories :)

    • 12.1
      Rachel says:

      Ha – thanks! Last week was Spring Break, so perhaps that’s what explains the 11 comments. Or at least that’s what I tell myself sometimes. :-)

      And thanks for the encouragement – seriously! It’s so nice to know that somehow my ridiculous blog can have a positive impact. You’re too kind!!

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