Parenthood 2.1

Parent Tech Support: Because we all need it.

 

Dear Tech Support,

I have recently upgraded my software to Boy Child 2.5. Although in general, this new version is very visually pleasing and much less taxing on The Motherboard, I have noticed some bugs and issues, and was hoping you could advise me on how to work around them since you were so helpful with version 1.0.

The most significant problem I’ve run into is in Sleep and Hibernate modes. I bought the Ultimate Premium Deluxe version of Boy Child so that these modes would run at their highest efficiency, and up until this upgrade, they have run exquisitely. However, I am now experiencing multiple episodes of the Blue Scream of Death when I try to place the program into Hibernate or Sleep mode. Do you recommend allowing it to reboot on it’s own, or should I do a hard reset? Are there any plug-ins that can be run simultaneously to solve this problem, such as Benadryl 2.5, Melatonin 4.6, or Sledge Hammer 1.8?

Secondly, I read in the system specifications that Boy Child 2.5 is designed to run congruously with Potty Training 1.0. However, every time I click on the Big Boy Potty icon, the system develops a high-pitched hum, and I have to ctrl-alt-change-the-subject to silence it. Also, the Dry Overnight script has not self-activated, and it is my understanding that Potty Training 1.0 works best when this is functioning. Do you suggest that I wait to install Potty Training 1.0 until the release of Boy Child 3.0? Because I would really love that, even though I might get scoffed in the Motherboard User Forums.

Thirdly, I am severely underwhelmed with the amount of intake apps that are compatible with this version. Chicken Crush, Angry Fries, and Bad Gummies are pretty much the only ones that launch successfully. I get an unhandled exception when I try to install Soup With Friends, and a run time error when I attempt to open iMilk, regardless of whether it’s the lite or full version.

Next, I appreciate that some functions that were previously manually performed are now built into Boy Child 2.5, such as the Hand Washing Function, The Stairs Function, the Spoon and Fork Toolbar, The Fetch Stuff Function, and a very valuable built-in safety lock to keep the Eject Function from activating during a System Clean. However, it would really be great if you could build in automatic prompts for the Dress Function, Clean Up Function, and The Wipe Nose Function (without using the Sleeve Plug-In.)

Also, it would be amazing if you could add some system defaults to prevent unnecessary actions such as licking the ground in public places (or private, for that matter), throwing things down the stairs that are loud enough to sound like a small human and therefore cause a Motherboard Power Surge, and add a fear subroutine to disable the motor skills interface right before it attempts to dive out of a shopping cart.

In addition, I am highly impressed with the significant upgrade in Boy Child 2.5’s Word Processing skills. HOWEVER. This version seems to be hacking into every other program’s database and picking up key phrases and spitting them out at the most inopportune times. Is there any way to modify the dictionary to be a read-only list of words? Also, it seems like a coding error has caused an infinite loop that continues until the data request is satisfied, which causes a stack overflow on the Family Server. Could the next version simply enter it’s request at the command prompt and then wait for a response?

Also, Boy Child 2.5 doesn’t minimize well at all. It continues to clog up the Motherboard with constant pings when other programs are running in the foreground. I have found this to happen most often when running School K.5, Cooking 5.6, and Cleaning 8.9.

I’ve been surprised that considering Boy Child 2.5 runs on an MOS (Male Operating System), the performance of the program is significantly affected by the template chosen for that day. It runs best when in the template of pajamas, firetrucks, and cars. It hates any template consisting of overalls or solid colors. It would have been nice to know this limitation on the front side when I bought my templates for the year.

But I don’t mean to just complain – I wanted to compliment you on the mobile version of Boy Child 2.5 – it is infinitely better and actually enjoyable! It used to have a significant whine anytime I tried to run it, but it now performs flawlessly, and with the added bonus of a director’s commentary on all other passing traffic. I am also thrilled with the cross-program integration between Boy Child 2.5 and Girl Child 6.5. The seamless communication between these two versions is a work of art, and has caused a significant decrease in system-wide crashes. However, I do sometimes get concerned with how well they are integrated. If I didn’t know better, I’d think the two programs were capable of conspiring against me.

But of course, that’s silly talk.

Thank you for any help you can give me on the above issues.

Sincerely,

The Motherboard.

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Comments

  1. 1
    Anna Duffey says:

    Pffft! dying…. I think Root Beer just came out of my nose….

  2. 2
    Holli says:

    Love it!! Be patient with Boy2.5 the potty training 1.0 will go through many changes before running perfectily. I have a Boy 9.5 and although it took time, there will be a time it will run smoothly. And there is a Ghost in the machine. My Girl 6.9 does intergrate with Boy 9.5 to a point of conspiircy that frightens both programmers. My only hope is that the Love app kicks in and saves me. :D

  3. 3
    LoraLynn says:

    This was brilliant. And hilarious.
    That’s it. I quit blogging.

  4. 4
    Heather says:

    This is awesome!

  5. 5
    Martha says:

    What a hysterical post.! I have found that all of the Boy upgrades have significant bugs……but by the time you reach Boy 17, most are resolved. Definitely wait for 3.0 for potty training. Anyone who shames you for it doesn’t have a clue !

    • 5.1
      Hanna says:

      I am on version 3.5 of Girl Child and still have not installed Potty Training 1.0. Since our new house has carpet everywhere (even in the bathroom) I am waiting to do a full system upgrade before launching any Potty Training programming. Especially since the bathroom carpet has been extremely incompatible with Boy Child 7, especially at night.

    • 5.2
      Rachel says:

      So you’re saying that I have 15.5 more years of faulty versions…

      Awesome.

      :-)

  6. 6
    Adrienne says:

    It’s both hilarious and relieving to see that someone else’s life with a toddler resembles my own!
    As for the potty training… Landen will be 3 next month and he is JUST NOW having success with potty training. Definitely wait until Noah wakes up (regularly) in the mornings with a dry diaper. Otherwise, you are just wasting your time because his little body just isn’t ready yet. I went through this whole, “I’m not a good mommy because my child is dangerously close to being 3 and not potty trained yet,” and then within the last month it clicked with him and he’s doing GREAT! The “shaming” from other moms is really more self-inflicted (or coming from mom’s of girls that inevitably mature faster and therefore cannot relate), than from momma’s of boys. Don’t stress and don’t force the issue, otherwise it will just backfire <- something you DEFINITELY don't want to happen! ;)
    GOOD LUCK! :D

    • 6.1
      Rachel says:

      Thanks for the encouragement! Yes, I’m definitely not ready to fight that battle yet, and I don’t think he is either.

    • 6.2
      NICOLE says:

      Exactly! Such a relief to see these posts! I have a 2 year old and my mother is always on me about potty training him because he’s at the stage where he either hides in the closet or in a corner to do his business.

  7. 7
    Christy says:

    We were successful with potty-training ours at 2.5, and I can’t remember a single accident during training. However we are at 6.0 now and STILL haven’t achieved dry overnight consistently. Pull-ups are our friend. (He sleeps so hard that it doesn’t even wake him up when everything is soaked.).

    • 7.1
      Christy says:

      Our clue for when he was ready was when he started bringing us a clean diaper telling us “Poop change”. That may have made it easier because he HATED having a poopy diaper on.

  8. 8
    Jamie says:

    You. Are. Brilliant. :) Our girls are about to upgrade to 2.0 and 3.0. I’m interested to see what these new versions bring. lol.

  9. 9
    Karen says:

    Thanks for the laugh! As for potty training, somehow I missed using staying dry all night as a clue for readiness. In that case we are far from ready as we have to employ 2 overnight diapers (3/4T with an even larger size over it) and even so Boy 3.2 wakes up wet through to the pjs a couple nights a week. He does now consistently use the toilet for all #2 without any in the diaper for 2 weeks now. Whoo hoo! And that progress was made by his own volition with no pressure, reward chart or plan being enacted on my part. I’m kinda hoping that #1 will work this way as well, but I may be waiting a while!

    • 9.1
      Rachel says:

      I think kids are totally different on the dry overnight thing – I’ve heard of kids who had this happen way before potty training, and others who had it happen way after. I don’t think it’s as much of an indicator as people would like for it to be.

  10. 10
    Rachel says:

    Lol. We have a looping data request malfunction over here too! From both 6.0 and 3.4! I’ve always heard boys are easier to potty train but you have to wait longer before you try. Good luck!

  11. 11
    Sarah says:

    Haha!

    And yeah, potty training worked much better all three times with 3.0 installed instead of 2.5 here. I am sure some people just thought I was slacking but really, the diapers were worth my sanity.

  12. 12

    This is hilarious. I never comment (bad reader! Oops!) but I just want to say that I seriously love every single post you write. You are so funny and such a great writer. Keep ‘em coming!

    • 12.1
      Rachel says:

      I’m a bad blogger, because I’m seven days behind in answering my comments! :-)

      Thanks so much – I appreciate the encouragement! I hope you have a great week!!

  13. 13
    Lindsey says:

    Thank you for that hilarious post! I have a 1.5 year old son and am quickly learning about all things boy – so it was nice to read and laugh.

  14. 14
    Kirsten says:

    This is great! I’ve got my first little one coming in January!

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