The Bathroom Chronicles.

Stuff happens in public restrooms.

Right?

Sometimes you get to see it after the fact, like this beautiful graffiti on a Church bathroom door…

IMG_5521…even for defacing Church Property.

And sometimes you are blessed enough to live through it – like the time, almost exactly a year ago, when I was in a Tampa restaurant bathroom stall while Chris and I were on our anniversary trip.

It was Tampa that finally helped me understand why Florida is considered the retirement destination of the world. I’d always been to North Florida, near the border of Alabama and Georgia, where it is full of gazoodles of families with small children, all watching the Perpetually Spring Breaking Girls Gone Wild walk up and down the beach while digging out their bikini wedgies every three steps. So I was left to wonder how Florida managed to hide all the retirement villages I’d heard so much about.

But Tampa – Tampa is a different Florida. I’m pretty sure their average resident age is 88 and a half. Which really cuts down on the beachfront wedgie picking ratio.

During one of our many delicious meals, we found ourselves in a restaurant that was wildly popular on the retirement scene. If they knew how to use UrbanSpoon on that newfangled smart phone their son-in-law insisted they have, they’d give it a rating of at least five denture creams. And maybe two hemorrhoid salves to boot.

I wandered to the Ladies’ Room. But before I continue, I must make a confession – at times, I quickly check my email while on the toilet – it only takes a couple of extra seconds, and I’m conscientious about being sanitary – I promise.

So I was checking my email.

The bathroom door opened and a retiree creaked in. I’m not precisely sure how I could tell that she was at least 95 – whether it was that she smelled like my Great-Grandmother’s kitchen or that her bionic hips were squeaking like the Tin Man in a Rain Forest Café.

She stepped into the other stall and heaved a great sigh and a couple small groans as she sat down.

I was ready to head back out to dinner, so I turned off my phone.

But you know that horrifically annoying camera-like click that an iPhone is defaulted to make when you turn it off?

Yeah.

She heard it too. And wasn’t exactly familiar with the meaning of the sound.

So she declared loudly, “I don’t know WHAT people do in here these days.”

As soon as I got back to our booth, I figured out how to disable that sound. While ducking for the ten minutes it took her to walk by.


Last night, Ali had her very own “Stuff Happens in Public Restrooms” moment.

We walked into a two-stall Ladies’ Room – an old one, the kind with the black lids on the white toilets and the rusty doors and a half-inch-buildup of grime on top of the tile grout – you know, the ones you wash your hands twice after you go. Ali was the reason for our visit, so Noah and I stood in the…commodal common area, for lack of a better term, as Ali entered the stall.

But before she could close the door and commence her business, an unusually round apple bounced underneath the wall, across the floor of Ali’s stall, and landed, perfectly leaning up against her toilet.

The inhabitor of stall-next-door would clearly dominate in a game of horseshoes.

All three of us watched the apple’s grand entrance, but Ali kept staring at it, then looked up at me.

“Um, Mommy? There’s an apple. Next to the toilet. What do I do?”

Captain Obvious. But a valid question.

I hoped stall-next-door would convey her wishes as to my daughter’s action with her fruit, but there was silence.

“Well…I guess you should pass it back under the stall, since that’s where it came from.”

The silence next door ceased not.

Ali looked doubtfully at me. “Okay, Mommy…”

She picked up the apple and stretched her arm under the stall, where a silent hand reached back and took it.

Then at long last, she spoke. In a muffled voice. “Guess I’m gonna have to wash that.”

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. 1
    Lindsay D. says:

    I am sure Bionic Hip grandma picked you out of the crowd once she returned to her seat. Especially if you were the only non-retirees there. Too bad you weren’t close enough to hear her, you’d probably have another new post for the “awkwardly intense busybody club” :)

    • 1.1

      “Carl, you’re not going to believe this…but there was some young whippersnapper in the bathroom stall next to me…taking pictures!! Of God only knows what.”

  2. 2
    Kristina says:

    Oh my! Who would eat that apple?!?

  3. 3

    I’m hoping that apple just fell out of her purse as she was sitting down or something and that OF COURSE she didn’t wash it and eat it later, she threw it away. Because VOM.

  4. 4
    Stephanie says:

    I’m with Katherine on this one. I wouldn’t even eat food that has touched a surface in the (relatively clean) bathroom in my house, let alone a public restroom. No amount of scrubbing could clean that apple.

  5. 5

    I want to read Apple Lady’s blog this morning.

  6. 6
    Jill says:

    I cannot stop laughing about the apple. Oh my, that is hilarious.

  7. 7
    Nikki says:

    THE APPLE!!! BUAH HA HA HA!!

  8. 8
    Rachel says:

    I literally laughed out loud. I can just imagine Ali’s response. That is too funny. I sincerely hope she threw that apple away!!!

  9. 9
    Stephy_B says:

    Oh wow- an apple!? Really? I don’t think the 5 second rule applies in a bathroom.

  10. 10
    EmilyB says:

    Pretty sure I have never even carried an apple in my purse. and I probably never will, now. What if she had said “No, dear, you keep it”….

  11. 11
    Tiffany K says:

    Hahahahaha!!!! I am dying!!!

  12. 12
    Eleanorjane says:

    Someone popped into the bathroom at work yesterday (while I was in a stall) and said ‘This is going to sound odd, but is my drink in there?”. It was a tiny stall with no surfaces that you could have put a cup on… unless she’s in the habit of taking a cup of coffee into the bathroom and leaving it on the floor…?!

  13. 13
    Tyler says:

    I’ve dropped my iPod in the (busy) restroom at the gym before. I’m sure people wonder, but sometimes you just have to own it.

  14. 14
    Becky Moyer says:

    That is hilarious! “Mommy, there is an apple on the floor!” I probably would have said the same thing!

  15. 15
    Lindsay says:

    once I dropped my work badge in the bathroom and it went under the next stall. with my picture face up. someone handed it back but I never did find out who…..and then I died of embarrassment.

  16. 16

    The apple story is HILARIOUS!

    I would eat the apple afterwards though – I’m not super germ-o-phobic to begin with and kitchens tend to be “dirtier”, even though less of an ick factor (now that would be an interesting graph – who would eat vs not eat the apple… And does it correlate with our non bathing tendencies :)

  17. 17
    Amanda Sheren says:

    hahahahahahahahahahahaha, that was GREAT!

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