The Best Worst Comments.

Sometimes people find my blog, thanks to The Googles.

These finders can sometimes have strong opinions, bottled-up anger, or an intense need to vent. These people, who are never regular readers, also don’t understand the context of my blog, which is largely based on the verifiable fact that nearly nothing I say should be taken seriously.

Which makes for some fabulous comments.

Some things that I’ve written lend themselves more to the Angry Googlers, such as my Bra-Fitting post (despite the fact that I linked in my recant,) My Chick Car Survey and Study Results, and, oddly enough, The Truth about Cats and Dogs.

But my favorite comments came from other posts.

So here they are. The top eight best worst comments I’ve ever received.

8.  I wrote a post in 2011 about discovering the crushing truth that the DirecTV Miniature Giraffes are not real. I likened my heartbreak to that of finding out that another infamous being is not real, and one Googler, two years later, felt that perhaps I was dis-servicing the entire world. And maybe I am.

Mini Giraffe Comment

So here’s the official warning:

PARENTS: do not let your Children of Santa Age read my blog.  Also, you might not want to let them use Google without supervision, as I’m pretty sure I might not be the only person out there sharing this bit of information.

7.  A comment that I did not allow to stay on my blog because, well, it was just too unoriginal, was this one, left by someone who had Googled something, found my blog, and spent about five minutes there.

“You are a complete moron and a waste of precious oxygen.”

Thank goodness I have people in my life that will speak truth to me.

6. This one wasn’t a comment, but a blog post reviewing of one of my blog posts. The post in question was one of the only pieces of fiction that I’ve ever written. It was a tongue-in-cheek version of The Three Little Pigs, and apparently I seriously ruined the moral of the story.

 

Three Little Pigs

…or was that morale. I don’t remember the morale of the Three Little Pigs, but I guess they were somewhat upbeat when fighting off the Big Bad Wolf…

 

Then there are the jean blogs. Clearly I don’t expect everyone to agree with my conclusions, and I have quite a number of dissenters. But a few stood out from the crowd.

5. The Rolling Butt Shelf:

Shelf Butt Comment 3

(I’m still trying to visualize a butt rolling down my leg, and desperately trying to get rid of the hungry-butt-cheek visual.)

4. The Person Who Desires Cliff’s Notes:

Gap Comment 1

(I just prefer not to discriminate against men named Brian, that’s all.)

3. The Constructive Criticism regarding Constructive Journalism:

Gap Comment 2 2

Moving on from the jeans.

2. Four years ago, I taught Ali to name the states because she was interested in geography and enjoyed it. We spent about five minutes a day on the project – five minutes that apparently should have been much better utilized:

Geography

Thank goodness for that smiley at the end – didn’t you feel like it made everything all better?

1. My all-time favorite commenter, though, happened across a post where I described playing with a Copperhead before realizing it was a Copperhead. My neighbor identified it for me, then beat the snake into snake pulp.

A year and a half later, Pete G set us straight.

Snake Comment

My eyes have been opened. I am a city puke. I’m off to set things straight – and find a baby skunk to love.

Leave your comment below!

Comments

  1. 1
    Katie says:

    Oh.my.word. I couldn’t stop laughing at the skunk guy. Favorite lines: “Horse pucky!” and “I have an illegal animal playing around my feet right now.” I’m glad you can laugh at these, instead of taking it personally. Love your blog!!

    • 1.1
      Rachel says:

      I used to take every single negative comment, no matter how obviously crazy, like a sword to the heart. It would eat me up for days!! But after five years of blogging, I’ve thankfully grown thick skin and can appreciate most of them. A few still get to me, but not too often. :-)

  2. 2
    Stephanie says:

    Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Some people just need to “get over it”! Sheesh! Also it seems to me that snake guy might benefit somewhat from living in a little box next to someone else’s little box. He is obviously starved for dialogue since he went on and on and on. And snakes and skunks don’t talk back so he is probably lonely….

  3. 3
    Lisa says:

    “I have an illegal animal playing around my feet right now.” hahaha – I guess he had to get that off his chest somewhere. :)

  4. 4
    Sheri says:

    While I really enjoyed the snake man’s rant, I have to say that number six is my favorite. I find it hilarious that they wrote a whole post about how your post obscured the “morale” of the story. I’m not a blogger, but if I was, I could write a whole post about how a point can be completely lost because spelling and grammar errors.

  5. 5
    Shiree says:

    My favorite is the one who thinks teaching you child by PLAYING A GAME is cruel. Snake Guy left me confused and speechless. And concerned for anyone who may live with him. A skunk?! Ummmm, gross.

    • 5.1
      Rachel says:

      Well, you know, children should not be allowed to play these days. Unless it’s of their own volition and in their own way. Otherwise you might be stifling their creativity.

  6. 6
    Kate says:

    Haters gonna hate! It’s too bad they don’t have a sense of humor…
    Also, does old skunk man not know that you live in Alabama? It’s not NYC….And the fact that you saw a copperhead on your walk should make him glad that you are so close to nature! I guess you need to get Ali and Noah a pet possum and one up his skunk :)

    • 6.1
      Rachel says:

      We did have a possum in our backyard a couple of weeks ago! Pete G would be so proud.

      …except for the fact that we didn’t invite it in for dinner.

  7. 7
    Adrienne says:

    Holy cow!! Those were hilarious! As a tribute to Pete, I may just start using the words “Horse-pucky”

    I think it’s pretty ignorant of these people to get SO offended at something that is PURELY humorous & opinionated!?

    I thoroughly enjoy reading your blog!

  8. 8
    Beth says:

    Oh man. Pete the Skunk defender is cracking me up! Imagine how horrible his house smells.

    He needs to start his own blog! I’d totally skim it.

  9. 9
    Beth says:

    Ps- I’m probably way la

  10. 10
    DJ says:

    I really enjoy your blog and can not believe the nerve of some people. My goodness. It’s horse pucky, I say. lol. Thank you for sharing your wonderful sense of humor.

  11. 11
    Mandy says:

    Horse pucky, he said horse pucky! That made my day reading skunk mans response. Though I must say, the “city puke” comment was going a little too far. It is definitely a good thing you have thick skin! The only other thing I don’t get is no one is making these people read your blog, so why are they getting so worked up? Keep up all your great blogging!

    • 11.1
      Rachel says:

      Yes, I’ve never quite understood that. My mantra has always been “There’s a big internet out there – go find the corner that makes YOU happy. If my corner makes you sad, it won’t hurt my feelings if you check out!”

  12. 12
    Jennifer says:

    I love when my butt looks like it’s on shelf.

  13. 13
    Ms. Nikki says:

    OH EM GEEEEEE! (That’s my dramatic way of spelling it.) Some people shouldn’t be able to have access to the “interwebs,”

  14. 14
    Melissa says:

    Thanks for the morning laugh. :-) When did society start to take everything so seriously? I can’t get over the person who “reviewed” your version of The Three Little Pigs. “Morale”. ROFL!!!!

  15. 15
    Amanda says:

    LOL omg skunk man is my favorite person ever.

  16. 16
    Rachel says:

    Wow, I could never be a blogger with a big fan base…I don’t have thick enough skin. Whenever my mom comes across an unpleasant person she always says, “I am so glad I don’t have to live with them!” and that was coming to my mind as I read these. That skunk guy has to be the world’s longest commenter! But I am totally going to start saying, “horse pucky”. That’s awesome. :)

  17. 17
    Roxaline says:

    Wow! All I have to say about skunk man is “bless his heart!” He is an old guy with nobody but snakes and skunks to talk to! You probably made his year by allowing him to be in one of your posts!

  18. 18
    Kim says:

    You’re right about one thing – those of us who read your blog regularly understand where you are coming from. I mean really, how can we take you seriously when you jump out of the bed, run into a wall and just about break your nose? (my fav post) Its our opinions that you need to listen to, and we say that you have a fantastic blog and you are a great person, and we all wish that we could be your friend IRL!

  19. 19
    Tom Horn says:

    That’s some good stuff Rachel! Thanks for sharing. Little did they know when they made their comments they would be the subject of a future post.

  20. 20
    Mary D says:

    “Dropped pocket” jeans will literally cut your butt in half? Ouch. I’m not sure I’m ready to suffer that much for fashion.

  21. 21
    Karla Archer says:

    yes – ripping you a new one and then ending it with a smiley or ‘lol’ makes everything better. :) << see?

  22. 22
    Meridith says:

    Lol wow people are so weird!

  23. 23
    Tara says:

    Rachel, this a riot. Thanks for sharing.

  24. 24

    Did these people not have a momma around to teach them the old saying, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all?” I mean, don’t get me wrong. I LOVED these comments and laughed out loud at most of them, but you’ve got to be a real jerk to leave a comment like #7.

  25. 25
    Marie says:

    bust out laughing. Thanks for making it fun!

  26. 26
    Meredith says:

    Well, I think you’re hilarious… even if you are sucking down oxygen while destroying the dreams of children and living in a cage with your butt-on-the-shelf and a trained monkey for a daughter.

    Really. You could be so much worse.

    • 26.1
      Rachel says:

      Okay so I’m super late in answering my comments (thanks a lot, $27.50 jeans!) but I LOVED this one. And I just wanted you to know.

  27. 27
    Erin L says:

    I am literally laughing out loud. And I don’t use the word literally if I mean figuratively. It is interesting to me that people feel the need to place their stamp of disapproval on something so disconnected from them, as if they somehow are being undermined by your blogs existence. That is horse pucky. (I may have just found a new not-a-swear for myself.) I think you are funny.

  28. 28
    April says:

    LOVE it. Seriously, how did Dwight Schrute make it all the way to your blog and talk about his pet skunk?! That’s awesome.
    And I totally agree with no-Brianer girl. You really should have said No to Brians a LONG time ago.

    (but for real…ever since Ali’s impressive states display “Teach Eden her States!” has been at the top of my list. so awesome!!)

  29. 29
    Kelley says:

    This post was so funny. I’ve noticed that #3 is a recurring type of comment on the internet. A blogger voices an opinion about something, and then some commenter will demand research and evidence and footnotes and then accuse the blogger of being “biased” and of “sloppy journalism,” etc. Although “constructive journalism” is a new one, I have to admit!

  30. 30
    Abbie says:

    I have had an appallingly low number of bad comments on my blog. And I say “appalling” because, even though the ones that get super-personal can sting, they also can be (clearly) extremely entertaining. I laughed SO hard when you first posted Pete G’s comment on your FB page a while back, and I honestly still find myself questioning whether he’s for real or if, perhaps, he was a bored teenager impersonating a kooky, old crank.

    Either way…hilarious (as were most of your other best worsts…bravo!).

    P.S. My favorite from today’s list was the “morale.” Awe.some.

  31. 31
    Lindsey Murphy says:

    Wow! So glad you’re able to laugh at this! The only one that upset me was the one about Ali learning her states! You should have just commented with a link to your “COEXIST” post. It’s one thing to make incoherent and grammatically incorrect assumptions about satire, but to attack you as a mother? How mean! That mama just probably feels inadequate at home and had to attack you to make herself feel better. I think it’s neat that you know what makes Ali tick and that you know how to indulge her analytical personality. :)

  32. 32
    Jui says:

    I am still giggling on the butt roll off the leg comment…!!
    That would be hilarous.. Poor single butted lady! Well, atleast the butt cheek creases will not be devouring anything then :P

    And dear God! The horsey guy! I was actually searching for a illegal animal to bite me by the time I reached half his comment… Verbal diarheoa.
    No wonder there is no house in any direction from his house. Poor guy.

    Nice blog btw.. Good to reuse the bestest bad comments ! They are good reads too!

  33. 33
    Eva says:

    what is it about the internet that makes people say the meanest things in comments?!

  34. 34
    Jenni says:

    So, wait… you’re saying that Santa’s not real, copperheads aren’t deadly, and there’s NO Brian?! I’ll never trust again!

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